A Camping Trip in the Life of the Mac-Attack

Phoenix, Arizona has got to be the hottest place on Earth between June and September. However, there's a place a little north of Phoenix called Prescott. Around this time of year, Prescott is in the 80s during the day and the 60s during the night. Perfect camping weather, if you ask me.

That's why I proposed we'd do a USY camping trip on the last weekend of September, right before Yom Kippur naturally. It was definitely the best programming idea I've had since I assumed the role of President for TBZ USY. In fact, the idea was so good that the USY Chapter from Tempe, Congregation Am Yisrael, decided they would collaborate with us. Word then spread to a chapter in Vegas, Kehilat B'Nai Yisrael, and a chapter in Tuscon, Temple Ahavat Olam.

Soon, everyone in the West Coast USY Region was talking about the brilliant mind of your's truly, the Mac-Attack. Apparently, the whole USY Camping thing had never been done before.

Our final board meeting before the trip was on Wednesday, and everyone seemed really stoked about it.

"This Campin' Trip is a STUPID idea, Mac!"
"Thank you for that sentiment, Tony."

Our Italian-Heritaged Communications Officer, Tony Abromi, always seems to have something to say.

"Tony, aren't you going on the trip?"
"As a matter of facto, I am, A-man-da. Perhaps we can go star-gazin', Toots."
"In your dreams."
"Damn straight, in my dreams."

It was always interesting when Tony would attempt to hit on our Membership Officer Amanda Braun.

"Um, Mac?"
"Yes, Josh?"

Josh Mauer is our somewhat-overly feminine Religion/Education Officer.

"Like, I won't be going on the Camping Trip. Legally Blonde: The Musical is in town this weekend at the Gammage and I am like totally going to see it. It is going to be a delicious treat!"

Ben, my best friend and Vice President of TBZ USY, gave me a "WTF" type of look as Josh was speaking.

"Before I continue, is there anyone else who won't be on the trip besides Josh?"
"Yes, I won't be there."

Sharon Stone is our Israel Affairs officer.

"Where will you be, Sharon?"
"Well, uh--"
"She's seeing Legally Blonde with me!"

Ben whispered to me: "Shoulda known they were gal-pals."

I chuckled for a second before formally beginning the meeting.

"Okay, so we have three other USY Chapters going on this trip. Am Yisrael basically knows how we work since we do so many joint activities with them, but KBY and Ahavat Olam have no idea. I say, let's show them what TBZ is all about!"

I've always been good at being inspirational.

"Is that seriously your pep-talk? I'd rather have my grandmother give me a pep-talk over a bowl of spagetti!"
"We get it, Tony. You're Italian."
"An Italian, New Yorker Jew!"
"You were born in Peoria. You're dad moved to Arizona was he was 10."

The whole rest of the board let out a laugh. Tony didn't think it was very funny.

A couple days later, we loaded two busses with 50 TBZ USYers on each bus. It was a two hour bus ride. When we got to the campsite in Prescott, our friends from Am Yisrael were already there.

"We beat you guys on the number scale and we get to the campsite before you guys. Is there anything that TBZ does that Am Yisrael can't do better?"

I laughed at my friend Brian Berg's comment and gave him a hug.

"It's good to see you, B."
"Same to you, Mr. President Mac-Attack."

Ben and Melinda got off the bus. Ben greeted B, but Melinda walked right past us. She's a friend of B's, but at that time she wasn't very happy with me.

"Uh, Mac--are you and Melinda at odds again?"
"Afraid so, Ben."
"Jesus, you guys are worse than my parents in the weeks following their affairs."

Ben and I looked at B strangely.

"What? Don't your parents sleep with other people sometimes?"

We continued to look at B.

"Okay, so I don't have the general family dynamic. But who does these days, am I right?"
"Um, sure. Happens all the time, B."

The next person to get off the bus was Sam Bernstein, a goddess who was new to our lovely USY Chapter.

"Hey, Mac."
"Hey, Sam. Have you met my friends here?"
"No. I don't believe I have."
"Brian Arthur Berg, at your service."

Ben and I looked at B.

"Uh, but you can call me B."

I had never seen B get nervous around a woman before.

"I'm Ben Sheiner, Vice President of Temple Beth Zion USY and resident Best Friend to the Mac-Attack."
"Nice title."
"Thank you."
"I've heard about both of you from Steve."
"Steve?"
"Steve Schuckman. He goes to KBY in Vegas."
"You're going out with Schuckman?"
"Yup. Going on three years."

Sam always has a smile on her face whenever she mentioned Schukman. If only she knew the bastard as well as we all do. Next to me, Schuckman is the biggest player in all of West Coast USY.

"Is Schuckman gonna be here?"
"Yes, but he doesn't know I'm here. I'm gonna surprise him."
"He'll certainly be surprised."

Just then, the bus from Ahavat Olam in Tuscon arrived. I knew a few people from their chapter.

"Mohawk is here!"
"Really? I haven't seen him since Freshman year!"
"Who is Mohawk?"
"Look for yourself."

Walking off the bus was Ari "Mohawk" Barnes, complete with army pants, a spiked vest and combat boots. From what I always remembered, Mohawk was soft-spoken and had a good heart...that is, until he went to Juvie for beating up his own step-father.

"Mac-Attack Maccabbi!"
"Mohawk. How are you?"

When Mohawk hugged me, I could feel the spikes from his vest go through my chest.

"I'm fine, Mohawk. I haven't seen you in a long time. What have you been up to?"
"You know, just...stuff."

He then noticed Ben and B.

"Is that Ben Sheiner and Brian Berg?"

I'm guessing it was a rhetorical question cus neither Ben nor B answered.

"It really has been way too long, hasn't it?"
"Yes, very long."
"Not long enough," B said under his breath.

The greetings continued for another half hour or so before the Vegas bus got there.

Kehilat B'Nai Yisrael is known for one thing: beautiful women. I would know, I've hooked up with a ton of them. The first to get off the bus was Brittany Ziegler, a gorgeous free-spirit whom with I've never had the pleasure.

"Hey, Mac-Attack."
"Brittany."
"I heard about your heartaches from B. I'm so sorry."
"That's okay. It means I'm back on the market."
"Good for you. Well, I'm sure you'll find someone."

She walked away and Ben laughed.

"Swing and a miss! Strikeout!"
"Shut up, Ben."

It would've been very hard to mistake the next person who got off the bus, mostly because he ad two girls hanging on him.

"Steve?"
"Sam?"

Steve Schuckman had arrived.

"Baby, why didn't you tell me you were coming?"

He motioned for the two girls he was with to go away. I couldn't tell if he was happy to see her or if he was pissed that she ruined a potential three-some for him.

"I wanted to surprise you...Surprise!"

The jackass kissed his woman.

"I'm definitely surprised. That's definitely the best word to describe me right now."

The two wandered off and it was back to being just myself, Ben and B.

"So, Mac, you and Melinda aren't talking. What are you gonna do about it?"
"I don't know."
"What happened? When you guys came to my house earlier this week, you were getting along fine."

Melinda and I had been sleeping together for several weeks. I was in love with her, and she told me that she felt the same. However, she made it clear to me that she really didn't when she said all it was to her was increbible sex. Needless to say, I was hurt by this and didn't want to deal with her.

"Things just don't turn out the way you hope they will, I guess. Sometimes things aren't what you think they might be."
"Do you still love her?"
"Of course I still love her."
"But she doesn't love you?"
"I don't know. She said she did."
"This is really confusing."
"I'm sure it is, but either way, it's almost time for Shabbat."

Shabbat up in Prescott was beautiful. The stars were out and that made the services a thousand times better. Our activity that night was a tribal dance around a campfire. It was a lot of fun.

The next morning, I woke up early and took a deep breath of the morning air. It smelled great up there. I always loved the great outdoors.

"Up a little early?"
"I'd say the same to you. Good morning, Brittany."
"Good morning. So, I hear this whole camping trip was your idea."
"Initially, but my board got a good say about it."
"Well, this is definitely one of the most original programming ideas I've ever heard."
"I figured we could use original programming."

It suddenly became quiet, and all the two of us could hear was the chirping of the birds. Brittany and I seemed to have been having a moment when, all of a sudden, everyone else woke up.

"Well, I suppose it's breakfast time."
"Yeah. Um, sounds great."

We awkwardly walked away from each other and joined our respective groups of friends.

"Nice, you and Brittany."
"Come on, Ben, it's damn near impossible to get Brittany Ziegler. She's one of those free-spirit type, therefore, she sees right through all my crap."

We were then joined by Mohawk and B.

"Good morning!"
"Hi, Mohawk."
"Isn't it a beautiful day?"
"Yes. Yes it is."

The awkward breakfast with Mohawk lasted another hour. We then had more Shabbat services up in the mountains. Afterwards, we went on a hike. Brittany came on the hike, so I decided I'd hang out with her some more.

"Okay, so describe for me your current predicament. When has the Mac-Attack ever had drama in his life?"
"You and I obviously haven't spent enough time together, Brittany. There's lots of drama in my life."
"Spill it. B told me a little bit, but he didn't know much."

I would've questioned why she cared so much, but I figured I might as well just tell her.

"You know Melinda Moskowitz."
"The Youth Director's daughter, right?"
"Yeah. Anyways, I finally figured out that I was in love with her. After a few speedbumps, we finally started something up...sex."
"Oh my."
"Well, it turns out that it didn't mean much to her. It hurt, so her and I are no longer speaking."
"Wait, let me get this straight--you were hurt? The Almighty Mac-Attack was vulnerable?"
"Okay, I deserved that."
"I'm sorry, Mac. But, you know, I've heard so many stories about you. Mostly good things because USY girls don't take hook-ups too seriously, but you've been known to break a couple hearts too."
"Well, a girl named Dara Karpen changed that last year. Now I'm the one who ends up with a broken heart."
"I'm not a fan of the broken heart."
"It's not exactly my idea of a perfect situation either."

We continued walking and talking. Brittany was very easy to talk to.

That night, there was another campfire. We had smores and sang songs. It was really amazing.

I decided to take a walk and try to gather all my thoughts. One thought that was on my mind was Brittany. I had been talking to her a lot and concluded that I must've liked her because I'm usually bored with girls after 15 minutes to an hour.

As I walked, I saw that Tony Abromi did convince Amanda Braun to go star-gazing with him. I also noticed that instead of gazing at the stars, their lips were attached to each others'.

"Go Tony," I said under my breath.

Brittany caught up with me.

"Beautiful night, isn't it? I wish I could paint a picture of this."
"Nights like these are what I'm all about. I love the stars."
"Mac-Attack Maccabbi, do we have something in common?"
"I think we may be more alike than you think."

I don't remember for certain, but I think I was about to kiss her when we were interrupted once again. This time, by a crying Sam.

"Sam, what's wrong?"
"It's Steve! He's...he's...he's..."
"Not very bright?"
"A BASTARD! That's what he is!"
"I know, honey. Come on, let's walk."

And just like that, Brittany was gone and I was alone again.

I wasn't alone for long, though. Mohawk appeared.

"Hey, Mac."
"Mohawk."
"Listen, Mac, I don't think I told you where I've been for the last couple years."
"Juvie, right? You punched out your step-dad."
"What?"
"You weren't in Juvie?"
"No. I was deported back to Canada. It took a couple years for my dad to get that taken care of, but I'm back now and I'm an American citizen."

I didn't know what else to say except: "You're Canadien?"

The two of us laughed about that.

The next day, it was time to leave. That night would be Kol Nidre, so most people would be leaving relatively early. The Tuscon people were the first to leave.

"Mohawk," I said as I caught my old friend. "Will you be at more events this year?"

Mohawk smiled.

"I missed two years of this shit. You think I'm gonna miss another?"

We hugged and he got on his bus.

About ten minutes later, the Vegas people were getting ready to leave. Brittany came up to me before getting on her bus.

"Hey."
"Hey. Is Sam doing better?"
"Yes, much. Schuckman is a douche and doesn't deserve her."
"Well, it was nice of you to help her out."

It was quiet for a second.

"Hey, Brittany?"
"Yes?"
"If things were a little different, like if I had been a much nicer guy over the years, do you think we'd have a shot?"

Brittany looked at me and smiled.

"Who knows? You may be a much nicer guy than I thought."

She kissed me on the cheek.

"Goodbye, Mac-Attack."

I got my bus shortly after and sat down next to Ben.

"So, Brittany Ziegler."
"Yup. Maybe something might be in the cards."
"Didn't you say yesterday that she can see through all your crap?"

I smiled.

"Yes. Maybe that's just what I need."

And on that sentiment, the bus began to move.

The next day was Yom Kippur, the Day of Atonement. I approached Melinda at services.

"Melinda, I'm sorry for everything that happened between us this year. If things were different, maybe things could go back to normal. But we can't pretend that nothing happened between us, and we can never move on if we keep pretending."

Melinda looked at me.

"I'm sorry too. I'm sorry things aren't different."

On that note, we walked away from each other. Perhaps I had finally gotten closure on that whole situation.

But knowing me, there's always more drama to be had, isn't there?

Sincerely,
Mac-Attack

An Apology in the Life of the Mac-Attack

"L'Shana Tova, Michael!"

Mark Eisenberg, my future brother-in-law, was particularly giddy this year on Rosh Hashana.

"Uh, thanks. You too."

I, on the other hand, was far from giddy.

"Wanna hear something crazy? In just one month, you and I are going to be brothers!!!"

Mark can be a little overwhelming at times. I guess whoever said that opposites attract was wrong because my sister Tara is far from the opposite.

"Yay." I said unenthusiastically.

Mark immediately realized something was wrong.

"Is something wrong, Michael?"
"Aside from the fact that my best friend is mad at me and the fact that the woman I love doesn't know what she wants from me, everything is fine."

Mark gave me a blank look. It was then that I realized that I hadn't vented about my situation to anyone, let alone my brown-nosing future brother-in-law.

"Well, it seems you are in quite a predicament," Mark said after a long pause.
"That's a phrase to describe it."
"You wanna tell me the whole story so I'm not standing here guessing?"

Did I want to tell the whole story? Not really. However, maybe talking about it would help.

"I don't know if you wanna hear it, Mark. It's a long story."
"Try me. I've got plenty of time."

Mark smiled, so I began.

"Remember the day where my dad had the heart attack?"
"Yes."
"Well, after I left the hospital, I went to Melinda's house and we--well, you know."
"Your first time?"
"Not even close."
"Uh, okay. Continue."
"Well, I love Melinda and I've loved her for a while. Allegedly, she's loved me since we were little kids at Temple Beth Zion Preschool, but she never told me until the end of last year."
"I never heard about this."
"Story for another time."
"Got it."
"Anyway, Melinda and I had been--well, you know--for a while. Since the day of my dad's heart attack. During this period of time, I was asked by her to not tell anyone, including my best friend Ben. It broke my heart to have to lie to him, but at the same time, I was--well, you know--with a girl who I loved. Well, last week, at a USY Lounge, I ended things with Melinda and in the process, Ben overheard the conversation and realized I'd been lying to him. Now I think I may have lost my best friend due to a stupid mistake."

It felt kinda good to be talking about this with someone. I hadn't really ever had anyone in my family whom with I could talk about this stuff without being judged. Mark didn't seem to be judging me at all; he just listened.

"I wanna ask you something."
"Okay."
"Do you regret sleeping with Melinda?"

I thought for a moment.

"In the grand scheme of things--no, I don't regret it."
"Then how was it a mistake?"

That was a good question. I wondered if it was still a mistake if I didn't regret it. I knew it was wrong to have slept with Melinda and lie to Ben about it.

"Mark, I don't quite understand."
"You see, Michael, it was definitely a mistake to lie to your best friend. However, the act of having sex with Melinda doesn't seem to have been a bad thing."

What Mark was saying made a lot of sense to me.

"At shul yesterday, your dad was talking about the Days of Awe. My advice, for what it's worth, is to apologize to Ben and patch things up with Melinda. If you two really love each other, maybe you should be together."

I liked the sound of what he said.

"You know, Mark--you're not really as stupid as you look."

Mark laughed.

"What are brothers for?"

I thanked Mark for the advice and then decided that I would give Ben a call.

602 555 3133

"Hi. You've reached Ben. I can't come to the phone right now so please leave a message after the beep."

Okay, I'll leave a message.

"Ben, it's me. I have to talk to you. Please call. It's important."

After several hours, I hadn't recieved any calls from Ben. I spent a good portion of that day just sitting in my room with my phone in my hand. It didn't ring and I didn't use it. I just held it as I waited for my best friend to call.

By the time I went to sleep, Ben still hadn't called me back.

I found Melinda at school the next day and I was able to catch her attention before the bell rang.

"I need to talk to you."
"And I have to talk to you."
"Is it for the same reason?"
"I think so."

There was a pause.

"Is Ben talking to you?"
"No. I called him yesterday and he hasn't called me back."
"He's not talking to me either."

There was another pause.

"We shouldn't have lied to him, Melinda."
"I know. I was so stupid."
"Not as stupid as I was."
"We shouldn't argue about this, Michael. We were equally stupid. Let's leave it at that."
"Well, now that we've established that we were stupid, what do we do now?"
"I think we have to talk to Ben. We have to do it together."

The next day, Melinda and I drove over to Ben's house. His parents let us in, obviously ingnorant to the fact that Ben was mad at us.

"Oh, Benjamin will be so thrilled to see the both of you!"

Mrs. Sheiner was what one would call the stereotypical Jewish mother.

"Can I get you anything to eat?"
"I'm not really hungry."
"Neither am I."
"Well, if you insist, I'll get a fresh batch of cookies going."
"Um, thanks."

Suddenly, there was a big burst of sound.

"BENJAMIN! MICHAEL AND MELINDA ARE HERE TO SEE YOU!!!"

Ben peeked his head out his bedroom door.

"I'm not here right now."

Then, realizing we could hear him, he came downstairs and stood in front of us.

"Well, if it isn't Bill Clinton and Monica Lewinsky. Here to tell me that you two had no sexual relations?"
"No, Ben. We're here to tell you that we did."

Melinda hit me.

"We're here to apologize for lying to you. It wasn't Michael's idea; it was mine. I'm so sorry, Ben."
"And I'm sorry too. It nearly killed me to lie to you, Ben. I promise I'll never lie to you again."

We waited patiently for his response.

Finally: "When did this start?"
"The first day of school, the day my dad had his heart attack."

There was another long silence before Ben spoke again.

"Why couldn't you guys tell me? I would've been thrilled for the two of you."

Before I could answer, Melinda answered for me.

"We didn't tell you because there was nothing to tell."

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is the sound of the glass that is my heart being shattered into a million pieces.

"So you guys were just having sex? You're not going out?"
"Well, it would appear that way, Ben."

Ben could tell that I was hurt by what Melinda had said. He looked sort of sympathetic.

"Well, I suppose if that's all it was, it was never really my business."
"But it was wrong of us to lie," I said before looking at Melinda. "It would seem that it was hardly worth it."

There was an awkward silence.

"Are we cool?"
"I can't stay mad at my best friends forever."

The three of us hugged. It was about 15 minutes before Melinda drove me back to my house.

"I'm glad we got that all squared away."
"Yeah, Ben isn't mad at us anymore."

There was a pause.

"So we're good, right?"

I thought for a minute before finally saying what I'd wanted to say since we were at Ben's house.

"No, Melinda. We're not."

She looked at me in disbelief.

"You made it obvious today that what we had meant virtually nothing to you."
"Michael, I--"
"I can't keep doing this with you, Melinda. It became clear to me tonight that there will never really be anything between us. Apparently, there was never anything between us anything."
"You know that isn't true, Michael."
"Oh yeah? Then why couldn't you tell that to Ben?"
"Because it was just sex. It was really incredible sex. I thought that was enough for you."
"It was, Melinda. It was."

I unbuckled my seatbelt.

"But it's not enough anymore. Goodbye, Melinda."

I got out of the car and walked into my house with tears in my eyes, knowing that I did what I had to do. You see, love does strange things to a man. It's the one thing that can be complicated, incredible, agonizing, beautiful, stressful, and wonderful all at the same time.

But alas, if only love were as simple as those six descriptions.

Sincerely,
Mac-Attack

Realizing a Sad Truth in the Life of the Mac-Attack

"How was your date with Carrie Wilcox?"

Ben was not referring to my ex-girlfriend, Carrie Wilcox. He was actually referring to another girl named Carrie Wicox. Coincidences are strange when you really think about them. Basically, the first Carrie Wilcox was trying to ruin my reputation (yet again). When our vice principal called Carrie down to the office, I found out that there was another girl named Carrie Wilcox that was called down to the office by mistake. After our vice principal dealed with Carrie Wilcox, I decided to go out with the other Carrie Wilcox.

"It wasn't anything special, Ben. Just coffee."
"No dessert?"
"If you're asking me if I fucked her, the answer is no."
"A kiss?"
"I didn't even go for it."

To be honest, I don't even know why I went on the date to begin with. You see, for the past few weeks or so, I've been with Melinda every night. After her and her boyfriend Aaron broke up, things finally started up between the two of us. However, she made the decision that we shouldn't make things official yet. It's gotten to the point where I feel guilty every time I talk to Ben. He's my best friend and he doesn't even know that I've been fucking our other best friend.

"Why didn't you kiss her?"

Because I had Melinda on my mind the whole time.

"I didn't feel like it."
"You always kiss the girl at the end of the date."
"I didn't feel like kissing this one."
"Is there a particular reason, Mac? She was really hot."

I decided to come up with a good excuse quickly.

"Ben, do you remember the last time I kissed someone named Carrie Wilcox? It didn't end so well! Now will you STOP ASKING ME ABOUT IT?!?!?!"

I may have been overdramatic.

"Alright, Mac, let's not be overdramatic."
"Sorry."
"So I hear Melinda is gonna go out with that guy Peter Cressler Saturday night."
"Is that the guy she was talking to in the hallway?"
"I guess."
"What's his story?"
"He's the starting tailback for the football team, he's a Saggitarius, and he loves the color Green."
"How do you know all that? What are you, his stalker?"
"It's all on Facebook, Mac."
"Of course it is. I really should get one of those."
"Yes. Everyone else does. It's because MySpace is kinda dead."
"Yeah, I don't wanna be one of those losers who still has a MySpace and no Facebook."

There was a brief silence.

"What were we talking about?"
"No idea. Wanna car-pool to the USY lounge? I'll drive."
"Sure. Sounds good."

When we got to the Youth Lounge at Temple Beth Zion, we saw that a lot of people were already there. There was all the members of our board plus a bunch of other people. My brothers Darrin and JT even came to the lounge.

"Michael, this lounge is FAB-U-LOUS!"
"Glad you guys could make it."
"Yeah, we needed to get out of the house anyway. Mom and Dad are double dating with Tara and Mark."
"How very interesting. Should be an awkward evening for all of them."

I continued to walk around and mingle. Part of my job description as President is to promote new members and events.

"Okay, so there's membership applications over there and a flyer for our camping trip on the 25th-27th of this month."
"That sounds great--but don't you remember me? We did have dinner together."

I suddenly realized that she was right. Her name is Sam and she recently moved to Phoenix from Vegas. She obviously did something different with her hair because I didn't recognize her.

"Jeez. I'm sorry, Sam. Did you do something different with your hair? I didn't recognize you."

She laughed.

"It's not that I did anything to it, it's that I didn't do anything to it. I haven't colored it in so long, so it's my natural blonde hair."

And a magnificent blonde head of hair it was. She was gorgeous.

"Steve likes me better as a blonde anyway. He told me when we were chatting via webcam earlier today."

I know her boyfriend, Steve Schuckman, through USY. I never knew he had a girlfriend until I met Sam, mostly because Schuckman is always cheating on her with random USY girls and has never professed to me that he has a girlfriend.

"I haven't talked to Schuckman in a while. Give him my best."
"I will."

I continued to walk around and mingle

You're probably wondering why I haven't told her the truth about her boyfriend. Well, the truth is that it's really none of my business. I'm not someone who likes to get involved in other peoples' affairs, especially since my own affairs aren't exactly in order.

"Hi, Michael."
"Uh, hey. What's happening, Melinda?"
"I have to talk to you."
"Not sure if this is really a great time."
"Why not?"
"Well, there's people around."
"Okay, I deserved that. Can we walk?"
"Yeah. We can do that."

We walked out of the Youth Lounge and walked around the synagogue courtyard.

"What's up, Melinda?"
"Michael, I need to explain myself."
"Explain how you agreed to go on a date with Peter Cressler?"
"Yeah."
"Well, I can see why he's a good catch. According to Facebook, he's a Saggitarius and loves the color green."

Melinda looked at me strangely.

"What?"
"I don't know. It's what Ben told me."
"Michael, I shouldn't have said yes to Peter."
"Melinda, it's not that you said yes. It's that you didn't consider my feelings about it. I mean, usually when people say they love each other, they mean it."
"I did mean it."
"Then why would you want to go out with the starting tailback from the football team?"
"I thought you'd be okay with it. I mean, you and I aren't even dating."
"That wasn't my choice, Melinda. If it were up to me, I wouldn't be lying through my teeth, trying to convincemy best friend that I haven't been laid since the summer!"
"Michael, don't yell. People can hear you."
"I wish I still cared about that, Melinda. I thought this was gonna be a temporary thing and then we'd be together for real after a few days."
"Well, I thought you understood what I was looking for."
"Apparently not."
"So where do we stand now?"

I thought for a moment before speaking again.

"Here's what we're gonna do. You're gonna go out with Cressler on Saturday night. I'm gonna figure out a way to deal with it."
"And then?"
"And then, I'm gonna figure out how to get over you and we're gonna move on and pretend like none of this ever happened. We're gonna go back to being friends because it seems we know how to do that. We don't know how to love each other, Melinda. We better quit while we're ahead."

I began to walk away. I heard Melinda call after me.

"So it's over, just like that?"

I turned around.

"Here's the sad truth that I realized tonight, Melinda: nothing is really over because nothing really started."

I continued to walk back to the Youth Lounge and noticed that Ben was standing right outside.

"Hey."

I didn't get a response.

"What's up?"
"I know why you didn't kiss that girl yesterday."

I didn't know what he was getting at really.

"I overheard your conversation with Melinda. You guys talk so loudly sometimes."
"Ben, I--"
"Lied. I'm your best friend, Mac. Why wouldn't you tell me about this?"
"Melinda didn't want anyone knowing."
"And she got to run the show?"
"Either way, the show is over now."
"Mac, what the fuck did you get yourself into?"
"Love. It sucks."
"Bet you didn't realize you wouldn't be the only one hurt by this. I can't believe you lied to me."
"I'm sorry, Ben. I know it was wrong."
"And you knew it was wrong while you did it. Yet, you still did it."
"Ben--"
"You can find another ride home."

On that bitter note, Ben left the synagogue and started driving.

I knew that I should've never lied to my best friend. Now, because I lied, he didn't seem to wanna be my best friend anymore. Things with Melinda would certainly become awkward, even if we decided to resume our friendship, it would be a rocky friendship at best.

So as I stood outside the Youth Lounge of Temple Beth Zion, I realized that I was totally and completely 100% alone. The sad truth is that I deserved it.

Sincerely,
Mac-Attack

Untrue Accusations in the Life of the Mac-Attack

"Mark!!!"

My sister Tara was in the middle of her weekly freak-out when I got back from Melinda's house.

I walked up to Mark, my future brother-in-law, to find out what was going on this time.

"What's up?"
"It's the wedding planner. She quit."
"Why did she quit?"
"Because Tara made her quit."

I should've known that Tara would've driven their wedding planner insane. I can't say I didn't feel sorry for Mark. Afterall, he would be married to my sister in a little more than a month. Of course they would want to have a wedding planner.

"It's all ruined! Everything is ruined!"
"Calm down, Tara. Everything will be okay."

My dad is one of those people who always thinks things are gonna be okay.

"Dad, without a wedding planner, we have no wedding!"
"Your mother and I didn't have a wedding planner."
"I've seen the pictures. YOUR WEDDING SUCKED!!!"

Tara ran to her room crying. Mark followed her.

"I have a strange suspicion that it would be in my best interest to leave the house."
"Probably. It's gonna be a long day. Luckily, Mark is a wonderful guy who can cheer your sister up!"
"Yup. Well, I'm gonna go to Ben's house."
"Okay. Call and let me know what your plans are."

I got into my car and then called up Melinda.

"I'm leaving my house. My parents think I'm going to Ben's."
"Oh, Michael Maccabbi, you're so sneaky."
"That's just the type of guy I am. I can stop by your house in a bit."
"Okay. My parents shouldn't be back from the mall for at least another hour."
"Perfect."

I came to her house where it was inevitable that I'd be having sex. We kissed, we touched, we rolled around. I loved sex with Melinda because I was in love with her and that makes sex all the more better. I held her as we moved together, our bodies against one another. Afterwards, her soft kisses were beautiful.

The only downside to this whole affair was that it truly was an affair. It was secret. Nobody, not even Ben, knew of my daily visits to Melinda's house. We both loved each other, but she had just gotten out of a relationship with Aaron Youngston and still wasn't ready for something new. Her and I had been sneaking around for three weeks now. I wondered when it would be that she would want to make it official with us.

The next day, at school, I couldn't concentrate. Melinda was now on my mind 24/7 and I couldn't wait til after school, when I could come to her house and make love to her. We would be going to my house, but between my sister planning her wedding and my dad recovering from his heart attack, there was just no possibility of finding a moment alone.

Walking to English, I noticed that Melinda was talking to someone...a guy. I didn't know who he was or why Melinda was talking to him. In fact, I was just about to walk up to her and ask her about it when an old nemesis came into sight.

"Mac-Attack."
"What do you want, Carrie?"

Carrie Wilcox. My ex-whore.

"I've been thinking about you all summer and how bad I was to you. I wanna make it up to you."
"Make it up to me, Carrie? You want to make it up to me?"
"I hear you're more experienced now. I want you. I want you more than I did last summer."

I thought for a second before coming up with a clever response. I then got real close and said:

"It's always good to want things, Carrie."

I then walked away, quite proud of myself. Well, I was proud of myself until I recieved a slip in English to go see Ms. Cropp, our Vice Principal.

"Hello, Michael."
"Ms. Cropp, why am I in here? Do I need an attorney present?"

Strangely enough, I hadn't been in a principal's office since I was in Hebrew School. Ben and I, along with our old friend Scott Siegel, practically lived in that place. Needless to say, I had never been in a regular-school principal's office, therefore I didn't really know the process.

"You don't need an attorney, Michael. Here, have a chocolate."

Wow, maybe I should get called into Ms. Cropp's office more often.

"Now, Michael, an old friend of your's was in here a few moments ago. A certain girl named Carrie Wilcox."
"Oh, God, what did she say?"
"That you were quite rude to her."
"Rude to her? Ms. Cropp, I barely even talk to the girl anymore. Today was the first time I spoke to her in months!"
"Well, I'd be careful about her. She scared even me."
"Will do. Can I go back to class now?"

As soon as I entered the halls of Deer Valley High School, I noticed that people were looking at me. They were looking at me with disgust, hatred, and a bunch of other bad types of looks.

I saw Ben.

"Dude, what the fuck is going on?"
"Mac, there's a new rumor right now."
"About me?"
"Yes."
"And what;s the rumor?"

Ben was hesitant.

"Ben, tell me about the rumor. Please, tell me about the rumor."

Ben took a deep breath and then spoke:

"Mac, Carrie is trying to tell people that you once forced yourself onto her."
"What? You mean she's saying I raped her?"
"No, no. Just that you pushed her against a wall and forcefully made out with her."
"Oh, God. This isn't good. How many people know about it?"
"Well, she put her personal account of it on that bulletin board."
"PERSONAL ACCOUNT???"
"Mac, you need to talk to Ms. Cropp before this gets out of hand."
"I just talked to Ms. Cropp!"
"About what?"
"Carrie came to her office saying that I had been quite rude."
"Were you?"
"OF COURSE I WAS!"

The rest of the day really sucked and I couldn't wait to go to Melinda's and blow off some steam.

"God, I needed that," I said as I laid her her bed.
"So, what exactly is going on with Carrie Wilcox?"
"Rumors, Melinda. Everything she's talking about is untrue. I can't believe it."
"It's probably cus you didn't fuck her."
"I can't believe she'd still be pissed about that."
"Me either."

Melinda kissed me.

"How could anyone try to ruin the life of someone as cute as you?"
"I don't know. It's a true mystery."

We began kissing again and it seemed we were about to go for Round 2 when I suddenly remembered something I needed to ask her.

"Melinda?"
"Yes?"
"Who were you talking to earlier?"
"Michael, I've talked to a lot of people today. You're gonna have to be more specific."
"A guy, Melinda. Who was the guy you were talking to right before 4th hour?"
"Oh, that guy. Don't worry, it's no one you need to worry your cute little butt about."

She kissed me again.

"Melinda, was he asking you out?"
"Michael, why do we have to talk about this? Can't we just make love in silence?"
"Because it's important, Melinda. Was this guy asking you out?"
"Okay, fine. He was asking me out."

I looked at her.

"Did you say yes?"

Melinda looked at me hesitantly.

"Yes. I said Yes. He just wants to take me to dinner. A girl's gotta eat, right?"
"You know, I could take you out to dinner. I have a job. I make enough money that I could take you out every single week."

I got out of bed and put my pants on.

"Why are you being like this?"
"Why am I being like this? Because I'm sneaking around with you, coming by when your parents aren't home, lying to my best friend and my family, and it's all because I'm so in love with you that none of that shit matters!"
"Michael, you know I love you too."
"Oh yeah? Then why aren't we doing something about it?"
"We are."
"Yeah, cus coming over to your house and fucking you is doing something about it!"
"Michael--"
"I've got other things to deal with right now. I'll see you tomorrow."

I left Melinda's house without giving her a kiss.

The first thing I did when I got to school the next day was to go to Ms. Cropp's office to deal with the Carrie Wilcox situation.

"Ms. Cropp--this girl is conspiring to ruin my life!"

Ms. Cropp was silent before laughing.

"That's just what women do. Just wait until you're married."
"Ms. Cropp, she's starting rumors. She posted a 'personal account' about the evil that is me on the bulletin board right outside."
"This is serious."
"YOU THINK?"
"I'll get her in here right away."

Ms. Cropp picked up her phone.

"I need a Carrie Wilcox to come to my office. Thank you."

Ms. Cropp wanted me to stay in the office. About four minutes after the phone call, Ms. Cropp's phone rang.

"Okay, send her in."

When the girl walked into the office, I only had one thought on my mind.

"Uh, Ms. Cropp--that's not Carrie Wilcox."
"Yes, I am. Who are you?"

I couldn't believe it. There were TWO girls named Carrie Wilcox.

"I'm Michael Maccabbi. Uh, you're not the right Carrie Wilcox."
"No duh. I'm a cheerleader, I'm in AP Classes, and I have a clean record. What am I doing in here?"
"Oh, I'm so sorry. I was trying to get the other Carrie Wilcox in here."
"Wait, I know who you are now--you're the Mac-Attack. My friend Lily hooked up with you at Cashman Park last year."
"Uh, nice to meet you too."
"Michael is subject to some rumors right now."
"That's what I've heard. I don't believe them."

Suddenly, the correct Carrie Wilcox entered the office.

"Ms. Cropp, what is Mac doing here? And who are you?"
"I'm Carrie Wilcox. You must be Carrie Wilcox."
"Ms. Wilcox, we will have no more of your rumors at this school. It ends now. Michael, Carrie #2, you can both leave now. Other Carrie, I'm calling your father!"
"No!"
"Have a nice day."

I walked out of that office a new person. No one was trying to ruin my life anymore. I was a free man.

The bell rang and everyone was looking at me with respect and pride. It felt good to be loved by the people again.

"Hey, Mac."
"Carrie #2."
"I was thinking--I heard you were really fun. I was wondering if I could see for myself."

This took me by surprise. I wasn't sure how to respond. However, my response just came to me when I saw Melinda talking to the guy from yesterday again.

"I usually like to buy a cup of coffee for the girl first."
"I'd like that. Are you free after school?"

I caught Melinda's eye as she was talking to this other guy. I decided that if she was gonna date other people, maybe I should too.

"Yeah. That'll be fine."

I was told once by my grandfather that, in complicated situations, you do what you have to do. Melinda wanted to keep our affair a secret, so I did what I had to do by lying to everyone about it. Carrie Wilcox was trying to ruin my life, so I did what I had to do by going to Ms. Cropp. Melinda wanted to see someone else, so I did what I had to do by deciding to go out with the other Carrie Wilcox.

It was a complicated situation, so I did what I had to do.

Sincerely,
Mac-Attack