Friday, August 28, 2009

A Board Meeting in the Life of the Mac-Attack

That first week of school went by extremely fast, and the second week got off to a great start. My teachers are great, my classes are so easy, and I'm also getting laid everyday.


I know it makes me sound like a desperate and horny teenager, but it's not like all Melinda and I do is have sex. Really, we're kinda in a relationship. Well, she's not ready for a relationship. So, I'm waiting it out. I go to her place everyday after school and we make love. We would go to my house, but since my dad got back from the hospital, he's always at home. It's hard to get a moment alone when a man recovering from a heart-attack needs help 24/7.


It was Wednesday when Melinda and I were just laying in her bed, cuddling and bestowing soft kisses on each other's lips. Suddenly, there was a knock on the door.


"Melinda, open up."


Shit! It was her mom!


"Shit! It's my mom! Quick, hide in the closet!"


Not thinking about the gay closet puns that may soon follow, I jumped out of bed and ran into her closet. I know I should've been relieved when I got in there, since her mom didn't catch us, but the first thought on my mind when I got in there was: "Jesus, how can anyone own so many shoes?"


"Come in, Mom," I heard Melinda say. Suddenly, her mom, also our Youth Director, entered the room.


"I'm going to the board meeting now. Text if you need anything."
"Okay, I will."


As soon as Melinda's mom left the room, I came out of the closet. (Insert laughter here).


"I can't believe I forgot about the board meeting. I have to be there!"
"Okay, fine. I understand."


She was pulling that whole "Jewish Guilt" thing on me, and while it was amusing, I remembered my position as President of Temple Beth Zion USY.


"You know I have to be there, baby."
"I know. Well, I guess we'll have to continue this later."


I put my clothes on and kissed her. I was about to walk out the door when I heard Melinda say:


"Hey, Michael?"
"Yeah?"
She then motioned for me to come back to the bed so she could whisper something to me.
"I love it when you call me baby."
We kissed one more time and I was off.
I got to the meeting about 10 minutes late, which meant that they were gonna start the meeting 10 minutes late. After all, they wouldn't start without their devoted president.
"Michael, now we can start. We can't start without our devoted president, you know."
My point exactly.
I looked at all my board members: Tony Abromi, Communications; Sharon Stone, Israel Affairs;
Amanda Braun, Membership/Kadima; and Josh Mauer, Religion/Education. Also, of course, was Ben Sheiner, my Vice President/Best Friend.
"Where have you been?" Ben asked as I took my seat at the head of the table.
"My dad had to go to the bathroom and needed help."
Did I mention that Ben has no idea that Melinda and I are hooking up? Before last week, I would've never dream of lying to my best friend, but Melinda wanted it to be our little secret. I have made lying to Ben about my situation with Melinda into a full-time job.
"Now that the whole board is here, I think we should get started. Michael, do you have any opening thoughts before we get to the agenda?"
"Yes, Maryl. Okay, guys, we have one main objective this year. That objective is to keep our members interested. Before Aaron resigned, we talked about doing some things that haven't really been done in our chapter before."
"Like what, hotshot?"
Tony Abromi is a smart-ass Italian Jew with a nose to show for it. He thinks he's the toughest Jew just because he's Italian. I have this theory about sophomores that states that they all walk around with an unearned sense of accomplishment. Tony is no exception.
"Well, Tony, I had an idea to do a camping trip."
"Campin' trip? Back in New York, the only campin' we did was waitin' in line for the subway to take us to Brooklyn. Now that's camping."
"Like, Tony, you were like, born in Peoria."
Josh Mauer is extremely feminine, but very friendly and very knowlegable about Judaism. He was a solid choice for Religion/Education, but he, like Tony, is a sophomore.
"Tony, this is Arizona. Most chapters in Vegas and even L.A. use their location to their advantage. There's no reason why we can't."
"Well, I think it's just a fantabulous idea!"
"Thank you, Josh. It's nice to have some support."
"So are we all in favor of doing a camping trip?"
Everyone nodded their heads.
"Good. The camping trip is set for the weekend of September 25-27. We'll do it up in Prescott."
"Perfect. Now, on to the agenda. Ben, would you like to start?"
"Sure, Mac. Now, membership shouldn't be too big of an issue and--"
"Excuse me...it's the only issue!"
Amanda Braun means well, and she takes her position as Membership/Kadima Officer very seriously. However, she may take it too seriously. Plus, she sounds like Fran Drescher and it makes my ears bleed.
"Amanda, we have 150 members currently signed up."
"And Congregation Am Yisrael has 200."
"It's a bigger congregation and a bigger target demographic."
"Then what was I elected to do if we have enough members?"
"Smile and look pretty, and maybe get us a couple pizzas."
I disregarded Tony's comment.
"There's Kadima, Amanda."
"Who cares about Kadima? It's just a bunch of bratty children!"
"Okay, I think it's time to move on."
"Agreed. Ben, please continue."
"Thank you. Anyway, like I was saying, we're expecting to expand the 'Education' part of Religion/Education. I think it might be good to get some guest speakers and stuff like that."
"I actually had a really great idea to bring to the table."
"Alright, Josh. The floor is your's."
"Thank you, Mac. I think it would be cool to talk to the youth groups from the Orthodox and Reform Communities and get representatives to be on a panel and have a debate."
"That sounds like a great idea, Josh. And, since you are our Religion/Education Officer AND since this was your idea, you will be the one to serve on the panel."
"Ooh! Ooh! Can we be wearing formal wear? I have this fabulous suit that I can wear!"
"Uh, I guess."
"FAB-U-LOUS!"
We all kinda looked at Josh and then continued.
"Moving on, let's hear from the Israel Affairs Department."
"Yes. Israel Affairs is going to be a huge part of our programming this year. There's a few rallies and such in support of Gilad Shalit. I think it's important that we have a representative at these rallies."
"Consider it done."
Sharon Stone is always a very reliable Israel Affairs Officer. While she is usally shy in social circles, Israel is her passion and she would do anything to spread the word out.
"That would be great, Sharon. Is there anything else to discuss pertaining to Israel Affairs?"
"I've been in touch with Zachar Stern, Israel's liason to West Coast USY. We're hoping he can come to Phoenix really soon for a Q&A about the current state of Israel."
"Oh yeah? Zachar Stern, heh. Nice name. Where'd he get it?"
"His parents."
"Good one. High Five, Girlfriend!"
As Josh and Sharon high-fived, I took a look at my board. While they were young and inexperienced when it came to USY Politics, they were completely devoted to making TBZ USY the best chapter it could possibly be.
After the meeting, Maryl talked to Ben and I in the parking lot.
"I'd say this was a very productive meeting."
"I agree. Great job, Mac."
"Oh, you know it was a team effort."
We were all quite satisfied with the way the meeting went.
"Well, my husband's going to be here in just a little bit and we're gonna go out to dinner. By the way, Michael, I'm looking forward to the camping trip. You did a good job."
"Thanks. See you later, Maryl."
As soon as Maryl was gone, I walked over with Ben to where our cars were parked.
"So, Mac, I was thinking."
"Good for you. It's been forever since you've done that!"
"Very funny. Anyways, since this whole Melinda thing didn't work out, I wanna tell ya about this girl I met last week who'd be perfect for you. Blonde cheerleader with tan skin and long legs."
As Ben started talking, I recieved a text from Melinda. The text read: "My parents will be out for at least another hour. Feel like coming over?"
I began to text back when I realized Ben had said something.
"Mac, did you hear me?"
"Oh, uh, yeah. Sorry. What did you say?"
"Blonde cheerleader with long legs."
"Gotcha, I'll let you know. I've gotta go, though."
"Stuff with your dad."
"Uh, yeah. Something like that."
As I got into my car, I responded to Melinda's text with: "I'll be there in a bit."
I wondered if I should've felt guilty for lying to my best friend about this. I mean, he knew about all the other girls I'd hooked up with. But Melinda was different because I was in love with her. I would do whatever it takes to make her happy, even if it means lying to others about it. Love is about compromises. I guess this was just the compromise I would have to make.
Sincerely,
Mac-Attack

Monday, August 24, 2009

The Aftermath of a Moment in the Life of the Mac-Attack

I guarantee that most of you can describe the best kiss you've ever had. Some remember being under a tree at age 13. Some feel that their best kiss was after prom, right before they were going to make love for the very first time. There's always the cliche "kiss in the rain". I've experienced all of these types of kisses, and none of them could compare to the kiss that I had just shared with Melinda.

It was under the strangest of circumstances: You see, my dad was in the Emergency Room after having a heart attack. Melinda came to the hospital to be with me and my family and to see my dad. Then, after I walked her out to her car, she ran to me and we kissed. We kissed for what seemed like a hundred years; those are the best kisses.

We looked at each other and continued to kiss, these kisses being a little softer and sweeter.

"I'm sure glad I came to the hospital now."

I laughed and we continued to kiss.

This wasn't the first time we'd ever kissed. The backstory goes as follows: at prom, I was still seeing Dara Karpen. While Dara was in the ladies' room, Melinda confessed that she had loved me for a long time. The next day, after making love to Dara, I was dumped. I then had the impulse to go to Melinda's house, and when she answered the door, I kissed her.

I wasn't exactly in my right mind when I did that, since I had just been dumped, but I knew I was in my right mind this time. Her lips felt so amazing against mine that I never wanted to detach myself from her. They were the perfect amount of soft.

"I wondered when we'd do this again."
"Well, here we are doing this again."

She kissed me again.

"I love you, Melinda. I've always loved you."
"Michael, I love you too."

We kissed for a really long time again. I wondered if we should've moved; there were a lot of angry people trying to get around us in the parking lot.

"Well, I think I should probably get home. My parents are gonna come in a little while to see your dad, though."

She then looked at me seductively.

"I'm gonna be all alone."

I could tell she was trying to entice me to come over. Dara used to do this to me all the time. Gentlemen who might be reading this: when a girl starts talking like that, understand that she's finding a creative way to invite you over.

"Well, being alone is no fun."

My other advice to all you gentlemen is to play along with it. Keep the dialogue going.

"Yeah. I wish I had someone to be with me. I mean, there could be burglars, and I can't protect myself from them."

Since Melinda wasn't just some girl I was looking to hook up with, I figured I should probably make myself sound more romantic.

I moved even closer to her and said: "I will always protect you, Melinda. You can always count on me."

"So I'll see you later then?"
"Absolutely."

We kissed one last time in the parking lot. She then went to her car and drove off.

My first instinct was to call Ben. I just knew he would want to hear about it.

602 294 1027

I got his Voice Mail.

"Yo Yo Yo! You've reached B to the E to the N; that spells Ben! I'm out and about livin it up and can't get the phone now. Leave a message after the Ba-zeep!"

My best friend is so goofy sometimes!

"Hey, it's me. Something amazing happened and I have to tell you about it. Give me a call."

I walked back into the hospital to let everyone know I was gonna go home.

"We're all gonna stick around for a while. You sure you wanna go home?"

My mom had a point, but I didn't really want to be with anyone other than Melinda. Plus, I'm not a big fan of hospitals. I decided to use the second reason as my excuse.

"You know how I feel about hospitals. I'll be fine."
"Don't wait up."
"I won't."

I walked over to my father's hospital bed and hugged him.

"I'm glad you're okay."
"Me too, son. Me too."

On that note, I left the hospital and headed home. About an hour later, I got the text message from Melinda.

"All clear. Come over whenever."

I figured that "whenever" was now, so I headed over there.

There was a sign on the door that said: Just Come on In. I did exactly as the sign told me to do. As soon as I knew it, I saw Melinda standing toward the middle of her staircase wearing a sexy number made of black lace.

"I've been waiting for you."

I can't say that I wasn't nervous. I mean, I hadn't been a virgin for several months now, but the last time Melinda had offered herself to me, I ran away.

"I've been waiting for you too."

It seemed that I had been waiting for her my entire life. I didn't know it when we were two years old, but I knew now that Melinda Moskowitz was the only girl I wanted.

"Why have we been waiting so long?"

I started walking up the stairs.

"Because it wasn't our time yet."

I was right where she was standing now. I was so close that I could feel her breath on my lips.

"Is it our time now?"

I looked at her with romantic eyes.

"I think we've waited long enough."

On that note, we kissed even more passionately than we had earlier in the hospital parking lot.

The next thing I knew, we were in her bedroom. The last time I was in there, I was tucking her drunk self in after a party. That night, she had asked me to stay, but I didn't. The difference was that, this time, we were both sober and I would stay.

After we made love, I held her for a long time. Suddenly, I heard my phone ringing.

602 294 1027

"Well, Ben's finally calling me back."
"Oh? When did you call?"
"Right after you left the hospital. I wanted to tell him the good news."

Melinda looked at me as I was about to pick up my phone. She grabbed the phone from me before I could answer it.

"Michael, there's no real news to report to Ben."

What did she mean?

"What do you mean?"
"I mean that I just got out of a relationship. I'm not completely over Aaron yet."

I looked at her, this time with confused eyes.

"Then what was all of this? You said you loved me."
"I do, but I can't be in a relationship right now."
"Can't or won't?"
"Maybe both."

My phone was still ringing.

"Are you gonna answer that?"

I got out of bed and answered my phone.

"Hello?"
"Mac, you called me about something amazing. What happened?"

Melinda looked at me as if she was begging me not to tell him.

"Oh, uh, my dad's heart attack was only mild. He's doing great and that's what the amazing thing is."
"Your dad had a heart attack?"
"Yeah. I thought I had told you. Well, no worries because he is fine."
"Well, that's good. Give him my best."
"I will. I'll talk to you later, Ben."
"Alright. Bye, Mac."

I hung up the phone and decided to start putting my clothes on.

"Please don't go, Michael."
"Melinda, I don't know what you want."
"Well, what do you want?"
"I want you."
"And I want you. I just need more time."

She looked at me.

"We can be together, Michael. We just can't tell anyone about it, at least not right now."
"So you just expect me to fool around with you until you decide that you may or may not want something more with me?"

She looked at me again, and then: "If that's not too much to ask, then yes. That's what I'm asking of you. For me."

I thought about it for a minute. I knew that this could end up hurting me more than the other option, but at the time, it made the most sense to me.

"I can do that."
"Good. Thank you. Now--are you gonna come back to bed?"
"Sure."

As I got back into bed and kissed the woman I loved, I thought about what I was doing. I hadn't done the "friends with benefits" thing since Carrie Wilcox, and that situation didn't exactly turn out in my favor. I hoped I was making the right decision right now. It was either "have Melinda as a FWB" or "don't have Melinda at all", and when I thought about it that way, the first option sounded pretty good.

People do really crazy things when they are in love. Some guys decide that it is more important to be with their girl than to be with their family. Some guys completely leave their best friend out of the loop. Some guys even decide that being with a girl in any fashion is okay, no matter who's heart is on the line.

That night, I did all three of those things. I just hoped I wasn't setting myself up for a big fall.

Sincerely,
Mac-Attack

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Finding the Perfect Moment in the Life of the Mac-Attack

BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP
BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP
BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP

Oh the lovely sound of an alarm clock on the first day of school.

Yes, it was the first day of my Senior Year.

Was I excited? Somewhat.
Was I nervous? Somewhat.
Was I scared out of my fucking mind? VERY MUCH SO.

The first day of school at Deer Valley High is always hectic. Everyone is getting their schedules, catching up with old friends, making new friends, etc. Teachers are always in an extremely good mood.

"I love teaching, especially seniors. I love seniors, and I also love the PARENTS of Seniors because they will always be there for you. ALWAYS."

My American Government teacher is named Ms. Lowe. She is from the South and she apparently loves parents. She seems...interesting.

Luckily, I have some familiar faces in the class.

"Hey, Michael."
"Hey, Melinda."

Melinda finally started talking to me again. I guess now that Aaron is out of the picture, she doesn't feel weird about hanging out with me. Last week, after we were at a party, Melinda told me that she loves me and wants me. Of course, she said this as I was tucking her in; she was a little drunk.

"Class, do you all understand the importance of letting your opinions be heard?"

Yes.

"In America, there's a way for you to get your opinions heard. Who knows of this process?"

No one was raising their hands. They must have been retarded.

"Voting, Ms. Lowe."
"Very good. What is your name?"
"Mac."
"Well, Mac, you get a Gold Star. Very good, Mac. What a creative name: Mac. Does anyone ever add 'Attack' to the end of it?"

Most of the people in the class laughed and nodded their heads, since most people do call me "Mac-Attack".

"Mac, this is strange. I don't see you on my roster."
"That's because Mac is just a nickname. My name is actually Michael Maccabbi."
"Why didn't you say so? You had me believing that your name is really Mac. I was frantically looking through my roster and didn't see the name 'Mac' anywhere! You should've told me your real name, Mac. Why didn't you tell me your real name?"

This was going to be a FUN CLASS!!!

The bell finally rang.

"Wait up, Melinda."
"That was quite a show."
"Oh, you mean with Ms. Lowe?"
"Yeah. Why don't you just say your real name for once?"
"Come on Melinda, no one calls me 'Michael' besides you and my parents."
"Other than me and your parents, who else matters?"

She smiled playfully.

"So where are you off to next?"
"Pre-Calc. Those numbers are calling my name."
"Well, I'd walk there with you--except that I'm not in Pre-Calc."

We laughed a little bit. I feel like we were having a moment or something because we suddenly began moving a little closer. However, we moved no closer when Ben entered our sight.

"Hey, guys."

Melinda and I awkwardly began acting like there was nothing between us.

"Uh, hey. Good to be back in school with my two best friends."
"Yes, very best friends. Glad to be back in school."

Ben looked at us.

"Did either of you guys take your coffee Irish this morning?"

Melinda and I awkwardly laughed.

"So, I'll see you later?"
"Definitely."

We shared an awkward hug.

"Bye, guys."

After she walked away, Ben looked at me.

"What's going on between the two of you?"
"Well, for the moment, nothing! Thanks to you, nothing is going on."
"What did I do?"
"I think Melinda and I were having a moment. Then you interrupted it."
"Oh. I'm sorry, Mac."
"I may never have a moment with her again. Those don't come around everyday, you know."
"Mac, after last week's party, the possibilities are endless."
"You think so?"
"Come on, Mac. She practically begged you to sleep with her and you turned it down because you didn't want to take advantage of a drunk girl whom you were in love with."
"Geez, is that what I did? Wow, that's the second time I've turned down sex from her. I really need to stop doing that."
"Mac, I'm being serious. All you need to do now is let your feelings for Melinda be known to her."
"I think she knows."
"It wouldn't hurt to remind her."

As I went to English with Mrs. Parkdale and thought about what Ben was saying about reminding Melinda of my feelings for her. Afterall, I had told her my feelings initially back in May. It was August now. There was no reason why I shouldn't let her know that my feelings hadn't changed. After school, I waited by Melinda's car.

"Hey, what are you doing over here? I figured you'd want to head home."
"Traffic's gonna keep me here for a while anyway."
"I see. You have a point."

We were quiet for a minute.

"Michael, I never thanked you for what you did after B's party? You didn't have to."
"Well, actually, I kinda did."
"Not after the way I'd been treating you. I didn't even congratulate you on becoming President of USY."
"Melinda, don't sweat it. I gave you your space and you came around."

She smiled.

"I was really drunk."
"No. Really?"

We laughed a little bit.

"I should probably get to my car."
"Wait, Michael."

I was heavily anticipating what she was going to say.

"I said some things to you while I was drunk."

Oh great. The bomb was dropped on me that she didn't mean anything she said while she was drunk. I thought alcohol was supposed to make you tell the truth!

"I understand. We all say things we don't mean when we are drunk."

No we don't. The thing is that we are completely honest when we are drunk. At least, that's how it's SUPPOSED to be.

"No, I meant every word of it."

Suddenly, she began moving closer. I moved closer at the same time.

I feel like we were about to kiss when suddenly my phone started vibrating.

"Damnit."

It was my Mom.

"Hello?"
"Michael, your father has gone into cardiac arrest. He's being rushed to the hospital."

I didn't say anything.

"Michael, I need you to say something."
"What hospital, Mom?"
"Mayo."
"I'll be right there."

I hung up.

"What's wrong?"
"It's my dad. He's going to the hospital. I'll call you later."

I ran off to my car and drove to Mayo Hospital. My dad was in the Emergency Room where they were figuring out what was wrong. It was very mild, so they didn't need to have him in the ICU, but it was still traumatic for me. When the doctors said I could, I went into his room where my mom and sister Tara were sitting.

"Dad!"

I was crying my eyes out as soon as I saw him. I walked toward him and gripped his hand.

"Michael, it's okay. The doctors say I'm going to be fine."
"What happened?"

I was still crying. I couldn't remember the last time I cried so much.

"I haven't been eating right or exercising nearly enough. I was walking up the stairs when I suddenly felt this crazy pain in my arm, as well as in my heart."

I couldn't believe that my father was describing a heart-attack to me as if it was a completely normal thing. I mean, he had been in the hospital before for a much longer period, but it was still very scary for me.

"Luckily your mother knows CPR or I wouldn't be standing here--well, laying here--today."

Suddenly, there was a knock on the hospital door.

"That's probably the nurse with my heart-healthy meal."
"Come in."

It wasn't the nurse and there was no heart-healthy meal.

"Hi, Rabbi Maccabbi. How are "ou feeling?"
"Melinda, how many times do I have to tell you? Call me Al!"

Melinda smiled.

"We've missed seeing you this summer, Melinda."
"Yeah, I'm sorry about that. Was kinda busy with things."
"Well, that's okay. We're not that exciting anyway."

Melinda, along with my mom and sister, laughed at my dad's comment.

"Melinda, did you hear I'm getting married?"
"Yeah, I heard. Congratulations."
"Thank you. It's gonna be a fabulous wedding!"

Everyone was quiet.

"Michael, why don't you and Melinda go get some drinks from the cafeteria? Darrin and JT want to come in here, anyway. There can't be too many people in here, you know."
"Yeah, we can do that."

We left the room. Melinda and I began walking toward the cafeteria. We didn't talk much while getting our drinks. I never feel like talking much when in hospitals for some reason.

"Well, I should probably get to my car."
"I'll walk you out there."
"Okay."

We got out to her car.

"You have no idea what it means to me that you came here to see my dad. Thank you, Melinda."
"Well, your dad has always been so good to me."
"Well, he's a good guy. I'm glad he's okay."
"Me too."

It was silent for a moment.

"Well, uh, I should get home."
"Yeah, I should get back in there."

We shared another awkward hug. I then started walking away. To my surprise, I didn't see Melinda drive away. In fact, I didn't even hear her shut her car door. I looked back and saw that she was still standing there. I then turned around and found myself running toward her. She was running toward me as well. Once we finally got to each other, we were kissing passionately. We had kissed before, but this time was different.

All day, I'd been trying to find the perfect moment with her. I'd come close twice already but got interrupted both times. I guess it took a heart attack and a hospital for her and I to get it right.

Her lips were soft and tasted of strawberry lip balm. It was like no kiss I'd ever had before. I knew right then and there that it was possible that I would never have a kiss like that again.

At that moment, I wasn't sure where the kiss would lead to, but I wasn't thinking about where it would lead to either. I was living in the moment, and at that particular time, the moment was the best place to live.

Sincerely,
Mac-Attack

Thursday, August 13, 2009

The End of Summer in the Life of the Mac-Attack

There was one week left of summer, and if I can tell you one thing about this summer, it's that this was quite possibly the longest summer of my life. Let's recap:

- I went to California on a crazy whim and stayed there for almost six weeks.
- I got back from California to find that the love of my life had officially been driven to someone else.
- My sister got engaged.
- I was appointed to be the Co-President of USY.

I'd say that's a pretty eventful summer.

But it wasn't over yet.

There was one more party to go to this summer.
Brian Berg, or B, had already thrown two parties this summer. I suppose he felt that he needed to end his summer on a good note.

"You see, Mac-Attack, I need to end my summer on a good note."
"Well, you know I never miss your parties, B."
"Then you'll be there?"
"Of course."
"Great! I wasn't sure if I'd even want to have a party without you there, Mac-Attack. My beginning of summer party was definitely missing something. It's probably because you weren't there."
"Yup. That must be it."

B admires me a lot, and it can be a little overwhelming/creepy at times.

The day before the party, we had our very first board meeting. I was there, obviously, along with Ben (my best friend and our Vice President) and Aaron (my co-president and boyfriend of Melinda). Maryl, our youth director and Melinda's mom was also in attendance.

The rest of the board was there as well. All of them are sophomores just dying to get involved in USY Politics.

Our Communications officer is named Tony Abromi, and he's an Italian Jew. This would explain why he has big black hair and an equally big nose.

Our Israel Affairs Officer is named Sharon Stone, and she's pretty chill. Very quiet, but passionate about Israel and what not.

Our Membership/Kadima Officer is named Amanda Braun, and she's a tad bit annoying, especially with her unsettling voice that sounds similar to that of Fran Drescher.

Our Religion/Education VP is named Josh Mauer. The funny thing about Josh is that he is so similar to my younger brother JT. Both of them are into shopping, and there is also debate on each of their sexual orientations. I don't think they've ever met, but it might be nice for JT to have a new friend.

"Hello, board members. In a minute, I'm going to be giving the floor to Michael and Aaron, but I just wanted to start off by saying how excited I am for this year in USY. We have a lot of enthusiastic people on this board, so it's going to be a lot of fun."

For some odd reason, the sophomores began clapping. Aaron and I looked at each other and then started off.

"Okay, guys. I am Aaron, and this is Mac. We are your co-presidents."

The sophomores clapped once again.

"This is gonna be a long meeting," I muttered under my breath.

When the sophomores were done clapping, I continued.

"I'd also like to introduce Ben Sheiner, your Vice President--you guys really don't need to be clapping after we name everyone."

They didn't clap for the rest of the meeting. If they had, the two hours would've gone much slower than it was already going. After the meeting, I was about to drive off when Aaron caught up with me.

"I need to talk to you."
"Yeah, I know, the board is really young, but that could be to our advantage."
"Mac, it's about something else."

He looked at me for a minute.

"I'm breaking up with Melinda tomorrow."
"What?"

I wondered if what he had really said what he had just said. I'd recently had many dreams in which Melinda would come to me and say: "I left Aaron. You're the only one that I want, Mac-Attack." But then I realize it's a dream because Melinda has never called me "Mac-Attack" in our entire lives. In fact, she hates that aspect of me.

"Everything with her and I has just become so routine. There's nothing exciting about it anymore."
"And you think you can find more excitement with someone else?"
"Listen, Mac, you understand. Relationships are overrated; maybe I should just take your approach."

I looked at Aaron. On one hand, I was sorta hoping that this day would come. Afterall, I am in love with Melinda. Maybe with Aaron out of the picture, I could finally have my shot.

But on the other hand, Aaron made her happy. I didn't want to see her get hurt.

"Aaron, forget everything I've ever said about relationships. You don't wanna be like me. You have an incredible girl and you shouldn't just throw it away due to lack of excitement. I'm sure there's lots of things you two could do to spice things up."

Aaron seemed to be intrigued by this statement.

"Well, there is something I've been wanting to try in bed. I just need some duct tape and some hand cuffs and--"
"Okay, Aaron. Glad I could help. See you at the party tomorrow night."

Tomorrow night came fast. Ben was the designated driver of the evening, and I told him all about the conversation with Aaron.

"I thought you'd be thrilled that Aaron wants to dump Melinda. You could get your relationship with her back on track. She only got with Aaron in the first place because you didn't make a move on her."
"But it turned into something more. She loves him and I can't see her get hurt."
"Even if it means that you end up hurt."
"So goes the game of love."

When we arrived at B's house, it was apparent that this would be different than any of his parties that we had been to before.

"BEER WAR!!!"

Our gracious host was already wasted.

"Did you know there would be alcohol here?"
"B never said anything to me. Oh well, let's go grab a beer."
"I'm driving."
"Oh yeah. Well, more for me."

I'm not a big drinker, but I felt that a couple beers might relax me and get me into the partying mood.

"MAC-ATTACK!!!!!!"
"B. I can tell you're taking advantage of not having to drive tonight."
"This is the BEST PARTY EVER!"

On the other hand, it might be smarter to have just one beer. I wasn't in a "get drunk" type of mood.

B grabbed me a Sam Adams and I walked around looking for people.

"Are Melinda and Aaron gonna be here?"
"Aaron said they would."
"Maybe we should find them."
"Alright. You look out here and I'll look upstairs."

After walking up 40 steps, I was finally upstairs. Most of the bedroom doors were open--except for one. I wondered if maybe Aaron and Melinda were in that room trying out that thing he almost told me about.

"No harm in knocking," I thought.

I knocked and heard Aaron's voice saying: "WHO IS IT?" He didn't sound sober.

"It's me. I was wondering where you guys are."
"Oh, Mac-Attack, you can come in!"

I walked in and saw something I did NOT want to see. A pants-less Aaron and--not Melinda.

"Ladies, meet my man Mac-Attack."

There were two girls that were not Melinda.

"Um, this is different."

I stared in silence for about a minute before I finally lost it and said:

"YOU BASTARD! HOW THE FUCK COULD YOU DO THIS TO MELINDA? I SHOULD KICK YOUR ASS FOR THIS!"
"Mac, calm down. It's okay."
"No, Aaron, it's not okay. The fact that she chose you over me, thinking you were a better guy for her than me. Well I'll tell ya--"
"Melinda broke up with me, Mac."
"This is just an outrage and--wait, what?"
"Melinda came over to my place and broke it off with me."

I was silent as I stared blankly. I didn't know what to say.

"Don't look so surprised--ladies, can you give us a minute?"

The two girls left the room.

"Do you know why she broke up with me?"
"How should I know? I thought she was crazy about you."
"She never loved me, Mac. She really loved you. She's always loved you."
"And she said this to you?"
"She just told me she couldn't keep pretending. I assume it meant that she isn't over you."

I was speechless again.

"I'd love to keep talking, but can I please have my rebound three-way now?"
"What? Oh, yeah, sure. I have to go find her."

As I ran out the door, I heard Aaron attempting to run after me saying: "Mac, she's been drinking!" I also heard him fall face-first onto the carpet. It's not exactly easy to run while you're drunk.

I got a call from Ben.

"Mac, Melinda is with me. We have to get her home. She's plastered."
"I'll be right down."

The two of them were waiting right by the stairs.

"Is that Michael? Hi, Michael, remember me?"

I'd never seen her drunk before, and I must say that she was being much nicer than she had been lately.

"We should go."
"Yeah."
"I don't wanna go. I'm a girl and girls just wanna have fun. I just wanna have fun."

She didn't protest at all on the ride back to her house. When we got there, I got out of the car and I helped her to the door.

"Michael, I broke up with Aaron."
"I heard."
"I--There's a reason I--wow, you are hot."

She attempted to take a step forward and fell backward. I caught her.

"And you are so strong. There's a reason I loved you for so many years."

I helped her get into her house. I carried her up the stairs and into her room very quietly.

I layed her down on her bed, and I suddenly felt her lips against mine. I pulled away after a few seconds.

"Stay with me tonight. I love you."
"I can't."
"But I want you!"
"You're drunk."
"I'm not drunk--You're drunk!"

She looked at me with her bright blue eyes.

"Don't you still want me?"

I then looked at her with sympathetic eyes.

"Of course I do."

I tucked her in. She fell asleep immediately.

"That's why I can't be with you tonight."

I kissed her forehead and walked back down the stairs. I got into Ben's car and we headed back to my house.

The next day, everything was back to normal. Well, almost everything.

"Michael, I need to talk to you."

I was working when Maryl came into my dad's office.

"Yes, of course."

We walked to her office and she handed me a peice of paper:

Dear Maryl,
Due to recent events involving my personal life, I have chosen to resign the presidency of TBZ USY. I know that Mac will do a fine job as President. Afterall, he knows more about USY politics than I do.
-Aaron Youngston

"Michael, I can't appoint another co-president. It wouldn't look good."
"What does this mean?"
"It means you are on your own. Don't worry, I have a lot of faith in you."

I was stunned.

"There's an emergency board meeting. You are to announce Aaron's resignation to the board at that time."

A couple hours later, I was standing in front of the entire board of TBZ USY.

"Board members, it is with great shock that I announce to all of you that Aaron Youngston has resigned the Presidency. I will be the only president of TBZ USY."

There was some talking amongst the board members.

"I know it's going to be hard to run a big chapter like our's without two presidents, but I think that if we all work together, this year will still be successful. Our chapter is still as strong as ever, and I am confident that our board will be strong enough to hold it all together. If there are no further questions, we can all be on our way now."

I got up and walked out. I wondered what would happen next and if I could even do this without a co-president. But when I saw the expression on the faces of the board members as they got up from the meeting, I realized that we had a devoted team and that I wouldn't be alone at all.

Sincerely,
Mac-Attack

Sunday, August 9, 2009

An Engagement Party in the Life of the Mac-Attack

In this life, we all have moments that define us. For instance, President Abraham Lincoln's defining moment was his Gettysburg Address, Barack Obama's defining moment was becoming the first black president, and Michael Moore's defining moment was being booed off the stage at the Academy Awards for voicing his opinions on George W. Bush (if only the First Amendment still existed). I had a defining moment of my own on Wednesday, when I was appointed to be the co-president of TBZ USY. It was a great moment, and I was glad to be chosen. I just knew at that moment that some great times in USY were ahead.

However, writing my speech distracted me from something that had been bothering me. You see, I have a crazy sister named Tara. Tara recently fell in love with a jackass named Mark. Mark proposed to Tara and now they are going to be getting married. Oh, did I forget to mention that Mark is CHEATING on Tara with some slut named Janie? Yes, I heard him on the phone with this whore. His words were: "Just because I'm proposing to Tara tonight doesn't mean you won't be seeing me anymore."

What a fucking bastard. Well, I'm gonna do something about it. Crazy or not, Tara is my sister and I can't watch her enter the union of marriage with this guy.

"I don't think Mark is cheating on Tara."

It was really hard to convince my twin brother Darrin. I guess I wasn't surprised; everyone in my family is up Mark's ass, and Darrin is no exception.

"Darrin, I know what I heard."
"Michael, need I remind you that you have a record for bad judgment. Remember Danika Payne?"

Danika Payne is this bipolar girl I hooked up with at the homecoming game my sophomore year. It wasn't a proud moment when she punched me in the face at the dance the next night.

"Come on, Darrin, I was a sophomore. That's Greek for Wise Fool."
"I don't see where the Wise part of that fits in."
"Listen, Darrin, I know you guys think that Mark is this great guy. It's probably because he spends his money on all of you. It's how he reels people in."
"Are you saying that Mark is cheating on Tara or that he's a con-artist?"
"Now that's an interesting new theory. Maybe he is a con-artist. Maybe he gets engaged with crazy girls for a living!"
"Why would anyone do that for a living?"
"I don't know. It's a crazy world full of crazy people, including our crazy sister who is about to marry someone who she doesn't know anything about! Well, I'm gonna take down this son of a bitch, Darrin."
"Well, can I make a suggestion?"
"Sure."
"Before you go telling everyone about the evil that is Mark, you may want to answer your phone. It's been vibrating constantly for the last minute or so."

Just then, I noticed the sounds of the vibrations coming from my phone. It was my co-president, Aaron Youngston.

"Hello?"
"How ya feelin, Mr. Co-President?"
"Hey, Aaron. How are ya?"
"I am quite well. We need to discuss some USY stuff, president-to-president. Can you meet me for lunch?"
"Yeah. I can do By the Slice around 1."
"Sounds good."

I got to By the Slice right at 1. Aaron was already there.

"President Mac-Attack."
"President--Aaron Youngston."

Aaron doesn't have a cool nickname like mine, therefore I didn't know how else to address him.

"So the first thing we need to talk about is membership."
"Our membership is stronger than ever, Aaron. We have a chapter of 150 people."
"And you're satisfied with that?"
"Well, being that the Jewish community of Phoenix, AZ isn't very big, I'd day we're doing something right."
"Am Yisrael has 200 members."
"They also cover more ground. That place is the zone for Tempe, Mesa, Chandler and Gilbert. While there aren't too many Jews in any of those cities, it all adds up."
"You don't think we could be doing better?"
"Aaron, our chapter is big enough to the point that we need TWO presidents. That's where I come in."
"Yes. Yes it is."
"I think membership should be the LEAST of our concerns. I think the most important thing we need to look at is programming."
"Oh?"
"Yes. We can't be doing the same old stuff that we've always done. You can only go bowling so many times."
"That's always such a popular event."
"Aaron, think about it. People are gonna want something fresh. I mean, we live in Arizona, one of the best states to go hiking in. Piestewa Peak isn't far from TBZ, yet we've never had an event in which we have taken a group up there. I think that could generate a lot of interest."
"Hmm. I'm intrigued. Keep talking."
"Well, in the wintertime, we have Flagstaff. Think of how many people live in Arizona who haven't ever seen snow. We could do a Retreat up there over a weekend. Think of how amazing Shabbat would be up in the mountains."

Aaron appeared as if he was thinking.

"You know, Mac, there's a reason you were appointed to be my co-president."

He raised his glass.

"Here's to fresh ideas."

I raised my glass.

"Here's to a great year in USY."

I'd say lunch was very productive.

I got home around 3 and saw that Mark was there.

"Mike, I've been wondering where you've been."

Have I brought up the fact that he calls me Mike? I hate it when people call me that, especially when NOBODY CALLS ME THAT!!!

"Mark, how are things?"

I was being completely fake with him. I didn't really care how things were with him!

"Things are great. I just settled a 10.5 million dollar case yesterday."
"That's a lot of money."
"Yes, and I get 5% of that money. Looks like your sister and I are gonna have a pretty extravagent wedding."

That's what you think, Mark, but there will be no wedding. Not if I can help it.

"Oh, Michael, you're home."'

My mom entered the room.

"How did the lunch meeting go?"
"It was good. It's going to be a great year in USY."
"Well that's nice. Did Mark tell you about the case he just settled?"
"Yes."

Like I said before, everyone is up this guy's ass.

"Well, I just think it's wonderful. Well, Michael, don't you think it's about time you put on something presentable. We're having a big Shabbat dinner/Engagement party for Tara and Mark."
"Really? Why?"
"Because it's a big deal. We're going to be having a wedding in two months!"
"Two months?"
"We didn't want a long engagement. I'm taking care of everything, it's going to be great."

Two months isn't a long engagement at all. In fact, it's a very short engagement!

"Michael, aren't you just so excited for the par-tay???"

I shoulda known that JT would be excited. It seems that everyone is excited except for me.

"To be honest, I am not in the least bit excited."
"Well, why ever not? I mean, it's an engagement! There's going to be a wedding! It's going to be FAB-U-LOUS!!!"

I really wasn't in the mood to deal with JT's metrosexuality.

"I have to get dressed. And then I have to break the news to the whole engagement party that Mark is a fraud."
"A fraud? Mark? No! It can't be!!!"

Overdramatic much?

"I think he's just super. He even bought me a fedora today! Do you think I can rock the look?"

No.

"Yes, JT, I think a fedora will make the ladies fall head-over-heels for you."
"Ew, why would I want that?"
"What?"
"What?"
"What's all the chatter about?"
"Michael thinks that Mark is a fraud! SAY IT ISN'T SO, DARRIN!"
"Overdramatic much?"

Darrin proceeded to look at me.

"Michael, I think you are wrong about this."
"You'll all see. I know what I heard and that's all the proof I need. This guy is a lawyer, so let's see how he handles being put on the stand."
"Michael--"
"There's no time, Darrin. I'm getting dressed now; I'll see you downstairs in a little bit."

I wasted no time. As soon as I put on my black dress shirt and slacks, I headed downstairs where there were a ton of people. All my parents' friends and also a bunch of people I'd never met before; I assumed them to be Mark's family.

"Ah, everyone, Michael has finally graced us with his presence."

Some people seemed happy, and some people had that facial expression that said: "Ah, the rabbi's son. What's he gonna do with his life? All he does is chase tail."

"Mikey boy, I want you to meet some of my friends."
"Yes, that'd be great, Mark. But first, I think you and I need to have a little talk in the other room."
"Uh, okay. Sure, I can do that."

We went into the living room. I wanted to just completely lay into him, but I felt that there was a better approch.

"You come into my family and expect us all to just bow down to you. Well, Mark, you may have everyone else fooled, but not ME!"
"Oh, I see what this is. You're doing a bit right now. I had no idea you were an actor."
"I'm not acting, Mark. I heard your phone call while we were at the golf course and I know that you aren't who you say you are."
"Mike, I think you have the wrong idea."
"No, Mark. YOU have the wrong idea. You think you can just buy us all off with expensive gifts and country clubs and fedoras. Well you're NOT gonna buy me, Mark!"
"Mike, will you please calm down and listen to me?"
"And another thing: STOP CALLING ME MIKE!!!"
"Uncle Mark, why is there so much yelling?"

A small child who was maybe 6 years old entered the room--Did she just say "Uncle Mark"?

"It's okay, Janie. Michael here was just confused."

Mark looked over at me.

"Michael, this is Janie--my neice."

Neice?

"Nice to meet you, Michael."

Neice?

"Uh, it's a pleasure."

"Janie, why don't you go play with Mommy for a while? I'll be back in a minute."
"Okay, but you owe me a piggy-back ride later!"
"Of course. Now run along."

Neice?

"Michael, I can see you don't have a very high opinion of me."

I felt awful.

"I guess I didn't give you much of a chance."
"Michael, I understand. I have a sister too and I was always very protective of her. But I've become rather close with my brother-in-law. He's really good to my sister, just like I am to your's."
"Looks like I owe you an apology, Mark."
"Eh, don't worry about it. Afterall, we're brothers now, and brothers fight all the time."

I smiled.

"Come on, let's go have Shabbat."

And so we walked back into the dining room. I met some of Mark's lawyer friends, talked to my parents' friends, ate challah and matoball soup and all that other good Shabbat stuff. I spent the rest of that night hanging out with my soon-to-be brother-in-law. Sometimes things are not always what they appear to be, which is a lesson I learned well that night. I hate learning lessons, but none the less, I had a feeling Mark and I would come to be good friends.

I guess this entry has a moral!

Sincerely,
Mac-Attack