A Sibling Rivalry in the Life of the Mac-Attack

So lately things in my life have been going pretty great. I have an easy job, great friends, and a beautiful girlfriend who is crazy about me. There is no one on Earth who can bring me down right now.

Well, except one person.

My twin brother Darrin was less than thrilled about all the good in my life right now. I could never understand what his damage against me was, until just recently.

You see, our sibling rivalry began at the tender age of one, when we each said our first words.

For our parents, Big Al and Shayna, raising twins hadn't been easy, so naturally, my first words showed some appreciation for all the hard work that they did.

"Yay!"
"Al, come quick, Michael said his first words!!!"
"I'll get the video camera!"

So he got his video camera, right as Darrin was about to say his first words.

"Hello."
"Goodness, you know how to greet us!!!"
"He's a genius, Al!"
"Yay!"

And it was at that very moment that Darrin became the star. In school, he excelled. He even won the class spelling bee in third grade.

"D-I-C-H-O-T-O-M-O-U-S. Dichotomous!"

Now, it's not like I wasn't good at anything. I mean, I was always more of the athlete in the family. The problem was--no one in my family really liked sports.

"Mom, I hit my first home run today!"
"MICHAEL, ARE YOU SAYING YOU BROKE INTO SOMEONE'S HOUSE?"

See what I mean? But you know what, it never bothered me. No matter what, I always had my friends...and my girls.

I remember my first girlfriend, Tammy Hayes. She had brown hair that flowed through the wind and stuff. We were twelve years old, when young feelings really start to blossom and the age of innocence really ends.

"You can touch my developing boobs if you'd like to, Mac-Attack."
"Sweet!!!"

By the way, seventh grade is when I first became known as the Mac-Attack. I always wanted to create a nickname for Darrin, but I could never think of anything good.

"Michael, Mom wants to know if--I'm interrupting something."
"Yeah, you are. Get out of here, Scarin Darrin!"
"Actually, I think I'll get out of here."
"Wait, Tammy."

Making out as a seventh grader can be strangely awkward, but I felt that it was necessary in order to maintain a healthy relationship.

"Bye, Mac."

Darrin waited until she was out of the house to say something.

"What's with the nickname, anyway? What's wrong with people calling you Michael?"
"Well, Mac sounds way cooler...especially when you add Attack to the end."
"It's lame."
"You're lame."
"You're lame times infinity!"
"Says the kid with no girl!"

Now, at the time, I thought that it was just a casual insult-battle. I realized recently though that he really had taken that personally.

Last Monday, Dara and I had a history project to work on...so naturally we went straight to my room and made out.

"Michael, phone call for you."

Darrin really enjoyed interrupting me.

"Can you take a message? Dara and I are sorta...busy."

Darrin picked up the phone.

"He'll have to call you back. What was your name again? All right, Valerie, he'll give you a call."

I didn't think much of it until after Dara had left my house. I remembered that I had hooked up with a girl named Valerie on New Years' Eve. I wondered how she had gotten my number, but then I remembered that she was best friends with a girl that my buddy Brian Berg (aka B) was going out with at the time.

"So who's this Valerie girl anyway?"
"Darrin, can't you read what I just wrote?"
"Darrin picked up the phone."
"The paragraph after that."
"Okay...you hooked up on New Years' Eve? Where was I?"
"Not there."
"Oh, yeah I had a choir trip."
"That would explain why you weren't in the episode."
"So, does Dara know about this girl?"
"No. It happened months before Dara and I got together."
"Well, you probably wouldn't want anyone telling her about it."
"You wouldn't!"
"Why not?"

Well, for one thing, I can punch you in the face.

"Darrin, I'm in love. Do you know what that's like?"

There was a pause.

"No, I really don't know what it's like. I've never had a girl!"

This is what prompted me to remember that fateful day back in seventh grade. Darrin hadn't had a girlfriend. He didn't have one now. I realized why he resented me!

Darrin was good at everything except for the one thing that I am good at: Getting Girls!

I suddenly got an idea.

"Okay, Darrin, here's my best offer. You don't tell Dara about Valerie...and in exchange, I'll set you up on a date with her."

Darrin looked at me in disbelief.

"She's really hot. One of my best hook-ups."

Darrin still looked at me in disbelief. But then:

"Fine, I'll do it."
"Great, I'll call her up!"

So I picked up my phone and called Valerie. I remembered the hook-up extremely well because I hadn't known her name until after all was said and done.

"Hello?"
"Valerie, it's Mac."
"Hey, Mac. Long time no see."
"Yeah, really."
"Don't think I haven't forgotten New Years' Eve. I was hoping we could get together soon...maybe reenact it."

This was gonna be harder than I thought. I could tell she really wanted me.

"As tempting as that sounds, I have to tell you that I have a girlfriend now."
"Oh. Wow. I'm a little embarrassed now."
"Oh, you don't need to be. I actually do have an offer for you."
"A three-some? Because I am into that sort of thing!"

I didn't remember her being this much of a slut...but knowing that she made out with me after talking to me for a minute, it shouldn't have surprised me.

"Actually, I was hoping you'd want to meet my twin brother. He's single and he's a great guy."
"Does he look like you?"
"We're twins."
"Okay, I'm in."

Alright, I got my brother a date. Valerie and I set it up for the following Saturday night. Now all I had to do was convince Dara to help me out.

"So you want me to help you out by helping Darrin score with the girl you hooked up with on New Years?"

I had to tell her the background. I just couldn't have her hear it from someone else.

"Sounds simple enough doesn't it?"
"I don't know, Mac. I mean, how are we going to do this?"
"You and I will be at the same restaurant, at a different table. We observe the two of them, and if things look bad, we go over to their table and join them."

After Dara thought for a second, she finally said: "Okay, I'm in."

We got to the restaurant approximately fifteen minutes after Darrin and Valerie did.

Everything over at their table seemed to be going well...until:

"So what's it like to have Mac-Attack as your brother?"
"it's okay."
"You're brother is so cool...and he's an AMAZING kisser."

Darrin looked very uncomfortable.

"I think it's time to join them."

I thought that going over to their table would help...but I was very wrong.

"Mac-Attack! We were just talking about you."
"Were you now?"
"Well, she was."
"Have a seat. Oh, is this your girlfriend?"
"Valerie, this is Dara."
"Nice to meet you."
"So what's it like to be going out with the Mac-Attack?"
"Well, I love Mac. He's amazing."
"Thanks, baby."
"Isn't he an amazing kisser?"

It became awkward. Thank the lord that the waiter came over to us.

"Is everyone ready to order?"

We all ordered. I thought food would make everything less awkward...but I was very wrong.

"So, Valerie, are you involved with anything at your school?"
"Yes. I'm in choir."
"Oh, really? I'm in choir."
"Darrin is a fantastic singer."
"Can you sing, Mac?"

So here's a breakdown of what was going on in our heads:
I was uncomfortable.
Dara was uncomfortable.
Darrin was uncomfortable.
Valerie was...well, Valerie was horny.

"Dara, I think we should go; let these two kids be alone.
"What a wonderful idea."

We got out really fast. I drove her home, and then I went back to my house to await the return of my sure-to-be angry brother.

An hour later, he came home.

"Darrin, I am so sorry. I--"
"Let me speak."
"Okay."
"So after you left, everything turned around for the better!"

Now that was a twist of events.

"She was so disappointed when you left, we suddenly came to a mutual agreement that you are a jerk!"

I really didn't know what to say to that.

"So we walked around for a while...then she stopped and told me that I was a much different than you!"
"That's nice, Darrin."
"And then she kissed me!"
"Oh yeah, was it good?"
"Yeah, it was amazing!"
"So you're gonna go out with her again?"
"No way, she's still obsessed with you. BUT, I do want to thank you for setting me up tonight, you really are a good brother."
"But I'm a jerk."
"Exactly! By being a jerk, it's made you a great brother!"

I didn't quite understand what he was getting at, but I guess what really matters is that my brother and I had put aside our differences. Now we could coexist as brothers and we could even get along.

Well, obviously the rivalry will continue. We're siblings; it's our nature!

Sincerely,
Mac-Attack