I was slow to answer Maryl, my youth director/mother of my ex-girlfriend Melinda.
"Michael?"
I snapped out of my day-dream immediately.
"Uh, sorry. Just a lot on my mind."
In retrospect, there really wasn't a whole lot on my mind. To be honest, I just wasn't paying much attention.
"Listen, I know it might be weird for you to be around me now that you and my daughter are no longer seeing each other, but I am still your youth director and you are still the president of TBZ USY. If you wanna talk about something, I'm still willing to listen."
"Thanks. It's nothing really."
"Well, my office door is always open. Now, back to what I was saying: we need a good program for this weekend."
"Well, it's the first event of the semester, so it needs to be good."
"You think I don't know that?"
"Well, we should probably think about the events that have been successful in the past."
"We've never had an event that wasn't successful, Michael. Take your pick."
I thought for a moment. We needed a real kick-ass event to start the semester off. Between you and me, we were in a major competition with Congregation Am Yisrael of Tempe. They had at least 50 more members than we did and were quickly growing. In the past year, Temple Beth Zion hadn't grown much in the way of youth; it had really just stayed the same. But with all the seniors (like myself) that would be graduating this year, we needed to start growing. We needed to start growing fast.
"Bowling."
"Bowling?"
Ben's tone of voice showed a slight indifference to the idea.
"Why not?"
"We're trying to expand our programming in order to build an even bigger chapter...and you came up with bowling?"
"Okay, ask Tara Hudson. She'll tell you that there are three events that, while cliche, always work: Ice Skating, Pottery Painting, and Bowling."
"Why didn't you choose the other two?"
"Because nobody wants to go ice skating when the weather outside is cold as it is...and pottery painting is really gay."
"I suppose I'd agree with you on both counts."
"We can definitely figure out a good marketing strategy for this."
"It's Sunday, Mac. The event is on Saturday. In case you didn't realize it, we don't have much time for an intense marketing campaign."
"I'll figure it out tonight and I'll talk to Tony tomorrow about getting the word out."
"What did you have in mind?"
To be honest, I had no clue. I was desperate to get people to come to the event and I didn't think that saying "Hey, you! Come bowling!" would be a good advertisement.
I decided to ask my dad for advice on the subject when I was working for him the next day.
"I had a marketing director for that type of stuff, Michael. I don't know anything about advertising."
"Great."
"Good morning, Rabbi Maccabbi. Hi, Michael."
Rabbi Joseph Moon, the newly hired associate rabbi, entered the office.
"Joe, I hope you know that it's 3:30 in the afternoon."
"Uh, yeah. Sorry, Rabbi Maccabbi."
"No need to apologize. And please call me Al."
He was kinda a strange guy. He was always sucking up to my father. I'm pretty sure that if my father was a complete asshole, he would've treated Rabbi Moon as the Egyptians treated the slaves. I'm also certain that Rabbi Moon wouldn't have minded it.
"Have you ever done any marketing, Rabbi Moon?"
"I worked for my high school's newspaper."
"Well, there's this USY event this weekend and I only have five days to get the word out."
He thought for a second.
"I was a USYer when I was your age. It's been years since I've been to an event."
I was suddenly hit with an ingenius marketing campaign.
"Rabbi Moon, how would you like to attend our USY event on Saturday night? Have you ever bowled before?"
"I love bowling! I used to hang around the Lucky Strike in L.A. every weekend when I was in college."
"Awesome. Then I'll see you in the Youth Lounge on Saturday night around 7."
"Sounds great!"
He left the office enthusiastically.
"There's something very odd about that man."
"Yeah, whateva."
I e-mailed our communications officer, Tony Abromi, to get the flyers sent out. The flyer said this:
TO ALL TBZ USYers, GRADES 7-12
COME ONE, COME ALL
THERE'S A NEW RABBI IN TOWN AND HE'S READY TO SHOW YOU WHAT HE'S MADE OF
SO SEE IF YOU CAN WIN AGAINST RABBI MOON
IF YOU DO, YOU'LL GET A $5 DISCOUNT
"Sounds like an offer they can't refuse."
"I hope so."
Saturday night came really quickly. I was pleased to see the great turn-out we had. 122 USYers, including 12 seventh graders, 15 eighth graders and 21 freshman. I could feel our chapter growing already.
"Wow, this was a great idea. One question."
"Sure."
"Where's Rabbi Moon?"
It was a valid question. It was already 5 after 7, and Rabbi Moon was nowhere to be found. Suddenly, people started asking questions.
"Is this a scam?"
"Why did you lie to us?"
"Will there be any free food?"
It started getting out of control. Suddenly, Maryl got a call on her cell phone and I was literally alone with 122 anxious teenagers.
"Okay, sounds good. Alright. Buh bye."
When she was done on the phone, she pulled me aside.
"Rabbi Moon is right outside."
"And he's not coming in because--"
"He thinks it would be cool if we introduced him."
"You mean like they do at football games?"
"Exactly!"
Maryl seemed very excited about it. I thought it was just plain weird. Still, I obliged.
"Ladies and Gentlemen, may I have your attention please?"
I then grabbed a chair and stood up on it.
"It is my pleasure to introduce the man of the hour. His sermons are interactive and he can read any torah portion on the spot. Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you Rabbi Joseph Moon!"
There was some applause as the rabbi ran into the youth lounge, high-fiving all the USYers. He looked as if he had just jumped out of a bowling magazine. He was wearing a bowling shirt, jeans, and bowling shoes. His hair was slicked back and it seemed that he probably would've danced for everyone if there had been music playing upon his entrance.
"Wow. He is really cool!"
"You don't find it somewhat odd that he wanted a grand entrance?"
"But just look at how everyone is responding. They love him!"
"I guess."
Just then, the rabbi approached me.
"Wasn't that great?"
"Oh yeah, it was a blast."
I doubted that he sensed my sarcasm.
"I'm looking forward to getting to that bowling alley. I don't mean to brag, but I'm very good at bowling."
"I'll bet you are."
I really wasn't very interested.
"So when are we heading over there?"
"As soon as the busses get here."
"We're taking busses?"
"Yes."
"Sweet! I just know all you USYers are gonna keep me young!"
Out of nowhere, Rabbi Moon gave me a big hug. I felt quite uncomfortable.
"Um...thank you?"
After about two minutes, I heard Maryl's voice.
"Busses are here!"
"Oh thank God."
I broke away from Rabbi Moon's hold and sprinted to the busses. I sighed with relief when Ben sat down next to me.
"You have no idea how happy I am to be sitting with you and not--"
"Is this seat behind you taken?"
It took everything I had not to scream with annoyance. It was the longest 10-minute bus ride I had ever taken. Rabbi Moon spent the whole ride chewing my ear off about his time in Rabbinical School and how amazing he thinks my dad is. I had never been happier to see a bowling alley in my entire life.
All the lanes of the bowling alley were filled by TBZ USYers. Ben and I teamed up against a couple cute girls that we barely knew. However, our game was interrupted by someone. Yes, you guessed it. Rabbi Moon interrupted.
"Wow, Michael and Ben, you guys are quite the ladies' men."
The cute girls proceeded to walk away.
"Thank you. Thank you so much."
I walked away as well, leaving Ben alone with the rabbi.
"Hey, Michael."
I turned around to see Melinda. I hadn't talked to her all week, not since we had our last kiss on her driveway the week before.
"Hi. How are you?"
For whatever reason, it was still a little awkward to be around her. I tried my best to keep the tension down, but I couldn't help but feel weird around her.
"I'm good. This was a great event idea."
"Was it?"
I sat down, suddenly drained of energy. She sat down next to me.
"Are you okay?"
"Oh, I'm just peachy. Rabbi Moon is about to drive me crazy, but I'm doing good."
"He's really that annoying?"
"He's more annoying. I don't know why he has to annoy me. There's 122 other kids that he could just-as-easily bother!"
"Maybe he's sucking up to you."
"What?"
"Think about it. Your dad is his supervisor and his mentor. He knows that your dad didn't want an associate rabbi to begin with. Maybe he feels that if he is really nice to you, you'll convince your dad that having an associate rabbi isn't that bad."
"It makes sense. What can I do about it?"
She thought for a moment.
"Challenge him."
"Come again."
"The flyer said that anyone who can beat Rabbi Moon in a game can get $5 off."
"Okay. There's just one problem."
"What's that?"
"I'm horrible at bowling!"
She got the look on her face that she always gets when she's getting an idea.
"Remember when we were little and our parents would take us to the bowling alley all the time?"
"Yeah. Good times."
"Well, over the years, I developed into an excellent bowler. I'll give you a quick tutorial game to prepare you for your game against Rabbi Moon."
It sounded like a long-shot, but I had no objections. Melinda grabbed a bowling ball for me and began studying my stance. It was as if I was a stage actor and she was my director, giving me notes on how to improve. By the end of the game, I was pulling strikes out of my ass and it looked good.
"Attention, TBZ USY: You have time for one more game!"
Melinda looked at me.
"It is time."
I approached Rabbi Moon.
"I'd like to challenge you, Rabbi."
"You're on, Michael. Let's do it."
We each grabbed bowling balls. The silence was intense as we prepared.
He went first. He bowled two strikes in a row to start the game. I was suddenly nervous as I got into my stance.
"You can do it, Michael."
The words of my ex-girlfriend encouraged me. I closed my eyes and bowled a strike. There was some applause. The rest of the game was basically like that. Everytime he would bowl a strike, I would do the same. Every time he bowled a spare, I did the same. The scores were pretty even throughout the whole game. Both of us were getting worn out.
"One more ball, Michael."
"Bring it on."
The rabbi took his stance and hurled the ball down the lane and knocked all but two pins down. When he got back into his stance, he knocked both down for a spare.
I took a deep breath before taking my stance. The silence was deafening.
I closed my eyes and threw my ball down the lane. I heard it hit the pins, but I kept my eyes shut until I heard a huge roar of applause from my fellow USYers. I opened my eyes and saw that all the pins were knocked down. I won the game.
"Yeah!"
Everyone from USY came running toward me and mauled me. Somewhere in the crowd was Melinda, my coach. I looked at her and smiled for about two seconds before I was carried out of the bowling alley by all my fellow USYers. I felt like Rudy!
Once outside, I approached Rabbi Moon and shook his hand.
"Good game, Rabbi."
"Correction. Great game."
The bus ride back to TBZ was quiet. I was so worn out from the game that I didn't feel much like talking. I was proud of myself, though. It was the same feeling that I had after our basketball team beat Team Vegas on the first night of Hanukkah.
I got home late last night, but I saw my father sitting in the kitchen looking at what appeared to be pictures.
"Michael, you're home."
"What are you doing?"
"Looking at baby pictures. Pull up a chair."
There was one of me and my twin brother Darrin wearing sailor suits.
"You couldn't have had us wearing Army uniforms? The Navy is such a sausage-fest."
My dad gave me a weird look before speaking.
"It's really hitting me that you guys are off to college next year."
"Well, Darrin's gonna be at ASU."
"And you're gonna be in Gainseville. It's a long way from home."
"I know."
"I'm gonna miss you, son."
"I'm gonna miss you too."
It got quiet before he spoke again.
"So, was Rabbi Moon a good bowler?"
"Not as good as me. I beat him."
"Very good."
It was quiet again.
"He's not so bad. I mean, he's a little annoying, but I think he's a nice guy."
"I never said he wasn't a nice guy. It's just that--"
He stopped in mid-sentence.
"Dad?"
"Never mind, Michael. It's probably nothing."
He got up from the table.
"Dad, what's on your mind?"
"Just a feeling I have. Don't worry about it."
He smiled.
"Goodnight then."
"Goodnight."
I wondered what my dad was thinking. It couldn't have been good, so I was naturally worried about him. I hoped that what he was feeling truly was nothing. I could only speculate that it had something to do with Rabbi Moon's presence at TBZ. That night, I made a promise to myself that I would keep an eye on Rabbi Moon and make sure that whatever he was doing, he wasn't doing anything to harm my father's position at the synagogue.
Sincerely,
Mac-Attack
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