The Day After a Break-Up in the Life of the Mac-Attack

In case you aren't caught up on my life right now, here's some things you may have missed:

1. I recently accepted my admission to the University of Florida.
2. A few days later, Melinda suggested that we give ourselves a deadline on our relationship.
3. After she presented her idea, I broke up with her.

This episode will focus heavily on NUMBER 3.

Let's start at the events immediately following the break-up. First, I'll recap exactly what was said:

"I don't think that there's much fun involved in being on edge and worrying about whether or not we're gonna stay together. If we make the decision to break up by a certain time, than we'll be able to just enjoy the rest of our time together without any stress."
"Without any stress? You don't think it's gonna be stressful when it gets closer to our 'deadline'?"
"By that time, we'll be ready."
"Ready for what? To break up and move on with our lives? I don't know if I'll be ready to let you go in 3 months, four months, or even five. I love you, Melinda."
"I love you too, but you need to understand."
"Understand what?"
"Understand that, realistically, we're not gonna last. I don't wanna get hurt, Michael."
"Yeah, neither do I...which is why I'm thinking we should break up now."
"Now?"
"Yeah. You don't wanna get hurt and neither do I. You say we're not gonna last; why put off the inevitable?"
"Michael--"
"Goodbye, Melinda. I'll see you around."

This brings us to what happened next. You see, the previous exchange happened while we were having dinner at By the Slice. Following the break-up, I got up from the table and walked right out (not before leaving money for the waitress, of course. It would've been really shitty to make Melinda pay for dinner).

As soon as I was outside the restaurant, it started to rain. Actually it started to pour. By the time I got to the parking lot, my clothes were soaking wet. Of course, things just had to get worse. I guess I didn't realize that I had parked in a 30 Minute Parking Zone, so when I got to my car, I was greeted by a nice little parking ticket.

"Well this is just perfect."

No sooner did I get to the parking ticket when I felt someone's breath down my neck. I turned around.

"Um, can I help you?"

He was a dirty looking man with ripped clothes and torn shoes. It looked as if he hadn't shaved in several weeks.

"Would you happen to have any spare change?"

Not that I'm not a generous person, but I wasn't exactly in the mood to give money to this strange homeless man.

"Sorry, I don't."

I attempted to turn back around when the man grabbed me.

"I bet you do have some spare change."

And then, as if the situation couldn't have gotten any more uncomfortable, the man pulled out a switch-blade. Yup, a Thunder Out-the-Front knife with a 3.4 inch blade, made of black powder-coated anodized aluminum and stainless steel. Yes, I was being held at knife-point for spare change in the pouring rain after seeing a parking ticket on the same night that I broke up with my girlfriend.

"Okay, okay. Uh, I think I have a few singles in here."

He put the knife away as I took my wallet out and found three one-dollar bills.

"I see a 20 in there...you wanna give it to me?"
"Not especially."

He took the switch-blade out again.

"Okay okay!"

I gave him a 20.

"You have a kind soul."

The mugger walked away happily, with more money than he'd probably had in a long time. I, on the other hand, had just been scarred for life. I finally opened my car door and sat down in the dirvers' seat. I proceeded to scream.

"WHY ME? WHY DOES IT ALWAYS HAVE TO BE ME? I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING...well, there are plenty of girls that will disagree with that statement...BUT I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING RECENTLY!!!"

I sat in my car for the next ten minutes, yelling at nobody in particular about nothing specific. It continued to rain, and I suddenly felt tears in my eyes. I had heard a lot of stories about guys crying after a big break-up...I now knew what it felt like. I'll be honest, I didn't enjoy how it felt.

I stayed home from school the next day. I didn't really feel like dealing with more drama, so I laid in bed and watched "You've Got Mail". I felt like such a woman.

"This is worse than I thought."

I looked up to see that my best friend Ben was standing at the door to my room.

"Shouldn't you be at school right now?"
"It's 4:00."
"Oh. Well, then school is over."

Ben walked over to me; I still wasn't out of bed.

"Melinda told me."
"What'd she say?"
"That you broke up with her."
"It was mutual."
"Really, cus she said that--"
"It was mutual. She said that we were gonna break up anyway. I said that if we were gonna break up anyway, it might as well have been last night. So we broke up."
"Well, I'm sorry."
"Yeah, I'm sorry too."

There was a pause.

"How is she?"
"As good as can be expected. You guys were only together for four months, but you guys loved each other for a long time. She loved you for 17 years, man. That's since infancy!"
"I'm well aware of how long we were together. That's why I can't believe she'd want to put an expiration date on our relationship."
"Doesn't it make sense, though? Mac, you're going to Florida next year and she's staying here."
"I know that we probably would've broken up eventually, Ben, but I didn't necessarily want to have that in the back of my mind. I know that if we had decided on a deadline, it would've been on my mind 24/7."
"So you broke up with her."
"Yeah."

It was quiet.

"Okay, you need to get out of bed."
"I don't wanna get out of bed, Ben. I'm at the part of the movie where Tom Hanks e-mails Meg Ryan to tell her he'll meet her at the park with his dog Brinkly. Meg Ryan doesn't know who he really is, but Tom Hanks knows who she is and--"

Suddenly, I felt the open plam of Ben's hand go right across my face.

"Are you listening to yourself? You're the Mac-Attack! Pull yourself together!!!"
"That really hurt."
"Sorry. I was doing it for dramatic effect."
"Well, it worked."
"So you're gonna turn the lame romantic comedy off and get dressed?"
"No."

Ben slapped me again.

"Ouch! Damn it, Ben, what the hell was that for?!"
"You need to come outside, maybe play some basketball. I have an idea; let's call the team and get an impromptu practice going. God knows we need the work; we're playing Team L.A. next month."
"I don't wanna coach today, Ben."
"I don't see that you have much of a choice. I'm the head coach; I decide when the practices are."
"Congratulations."

Ben proceeded to use the most powerful tool he had...his whistle. He blew it three times, directly in my face.

"Alright, alright! I'll get out of bed and we'll call a practice. You happy now?"
"No, I'm not happy. My best friend is upset and I can't seem to cheer him up."
"Well, what the hell do you expect? It's been literally nine hours since I broke up with the only girl I've ever truly loved. I appreciate your concern, but I'm not gonna be fine right now."

Ben didn't say anything.

"Give me like 10 minutes to get dressed. I'll meet you downstairs."
"You got it. We'll take my car."

We headed over to Temple Beth Zion's basketball court where all 15 of our devoted teammates were waiting for us.

"Alright, take three laps around the court...except for you, Sam."

Sam was easily the best player on the team. Her and Ben had been dating for about a month.

"Yes, Coach?"
"Give me a kiss, will ya? I didn't see you all weekend."

The player began making out with her coach. This was clearly the wrong day to be showing public displays of affection in front of me. I blew my whistle.

"Okay, that's enough PDA. Go run your laps, Bernstein."
"Sure thing, Coach."

She kissed Ben one more time and began running.

"Was that really necessary?"
"I wasn't able to go out with her this weekend. I had to make up for lost time."
"And I'm gonna have to make up for a lost lunch."
"Sorry."
"So unprofessional too. You don't see Phil Jackson kissing Kobe Bryant during practice, do you?"
"Well, that'd be a little gross."

Soon, the team was done running laps.

"Alright, here's the deal for today. You guys may have beaten Team Vegas, but you need to be more solid during a game in its entirety, and not just toward the end. We're gonna split you into two groups. Mac will take one group and I'll take the other. Then we'll switch it up."

I took my group into one corner and Ben took his group into the other.

"Okay, so I wanna teach you guys a new concept that may be a little hard for you guys to follow."

They all looked at me intently.

"I like to use an acronym: K.I.S.S."

Bobby Goldstein, one of our shooting guards, looked at me.

"Are you calling us gay?"
"No! K.I.S.S. stands for this: Keep it simple, stupid!"

The players began to laugh.

"Basketball is not a hard game to follow. You dribble, you pass, you shoot. You choose one person from the other team to cover and you stay on their ass the entire game."
"It still sounds like you're calling us gay."
"Bobby, 40 push-ups. Now."
"But--"
"Say another word and you'll do 50."

He got on the ground and began doing his push-ups. The team was staring at him.

"Stop staring and listen to what I have to say. Do the rest of you want to be on the ground as well?"

They each said "No, Coach" and became intent again.

"I don't need disrespect when I'm trying to talk. You guys want to win more games, don't you?"

They all nodded.

"The only way that's gonna happen is if you listen to me."

They all nodded again.

"Now, like I was saying--GOD DAMNIT, LARRY! GET YOUR HEAD OUT OF YOUR ASS AND LISTEN TO ME!!! HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO SAY THIS? I DON'T NEED THIS!!!"

I didn't have a mirror in front of me, but I could tell my face was red. It was like in the old cartoons, when steam comes out of peoples' ears. I could imagine myself looking like that.

"Do I have your attention?"

They nodded.

"Do you guys know how to say 'Yes, Coach'?"
"Yes, Coach," they all said in unison.
"Thank you."

I could see the terror in their eyes. I had never been so stern with them. Really and truly, I was starting to take my anger out on the team.

"Alright, I'm done chewing your heads off."

I waved my hands to Ben as a signal to rotate.

"Go to Ben. I'm sure he'll have some stuff to say."

They continued to stand there.

"That's an order!" I shouted as I blew my whistle. They began to hustle.

Practice was over a little while later. I sat down on the bench with my head buried in my hands, clearly realizing that I was wrong in the way I treated my players. All because I was too angry to be a professional with them.

"Hey, Coach, are you alright?"
"I made Bobby Goldstein do 40 push-ups for making a joke. I love when people make jokes. I am the one who makes jokes."
"So why'd you make him do the push-ups?"
"Because I have so many emotions running through me right now, Ben. I'm sad, I'm angry, I feel like I'm just going through the motions of life. I don't know what to do with myself."

My best friend looked at me.

"It's only been one day, Mac. Give it time. You'll be fine."
"What makes you so sure?"

He looked at me again and smiled.

"Because you're the Mac-Attack. You always bounce back up when you're being brought down. Remember last year at Convention? We all thought your head was gonna explode because so much was going through your mind. But what did you do? You picked yourself up, got in your car, and made a great excuse to go on a vacation! And I was with you for a good part of that vacation. It was great!"

I smiled.

"It was a pretty great trip, wasn't it?"
"You could've sat and sulked alone in your room the entire summer. Instead, you and I had an incredible adventure. And that's what I'm here for. You're my best friend, and I'll always be there to pick you up when you're down. That's what we do for each other."

I got up from the bench and we hugged for a long time.

"I love you, man."
"I love you too. No homo."
"No homo."

When I got home that night, I still felt like shit. But I thought a lot about what Ben said about how I've always been able to bounce back up when I've been down. This is true, and while at the moment I felt that the worst had happened and that I may never be able to recover, I knew that somehow, if I had been able to pick myself up before, this would be no different.

Sincerely,
Mac-Attack