The thing is, the break-up alone isn't the hardest part. There are so many different aspects to relationships. I generally refer to them as the five phases:
Phase 1: The actual break-up
Phase 2: The initial shock
Phase 3: The depression
Phase 4: The confrontation
Phase 5: The acceptance
I had spent the first weeks following my break-up with Melinda going through Phases 1-3. I had been avoiding Phase 4 for about three weeks before she initiated it the other day:
"It's been three weeks. I still have a lot of stuff that you left at my house. I spent last weekend organizing it and getting the stuff put in boxes. Clothes, a toothbrush, a razor, stuff like that."
"I have some stuff of your's as well. I haven't looked through any of it, but I'm sure it's all in my room."
"If you could organize the stuff for me and bring it by my house this weekend, that would be great."
"I can come by on Saturday night."
"Saturday night sounds good. I guess I'll see you then."
"I guess so."
This exchange happened on the Thursday of that week, so I had two days to organize all of her stuff to bring to her. I figured I could do it all on Friday. Afterall, how much of her stuff could she have possibly left?
"Wow, that's a lot of womens' clothing. I thought JT was the gay one."
My twin brother Darrin was referring to the mountain of Melinda's clothes that were in my room. Seriously, the pile could compete with Mount Everest for the tallest peak in the world!
"They aren't my clothes, dumb-crap. They're Melinda's."
"Wow, I didn't realize she kept so many of her clothes here."
"I didn't realize she spent so much time here."
"I think the whole family can vouch for how much time she spent here."
To be funny, my brother decided to do a really bad impression of what an orgasm sounds like.
"How much bad porn do watch?"
"I get bored really easily."
"Clearly."
I stared at the mountain of her clothes. Pajamas, jeans, shirts, skirts, and even some really sexy lingerie. Suddenly, the intimate memories of being with her came rushing back to me. The time that really stuck out in my mind was the first time we made love. She wore this sexy black lace set as she lured me up the stairs. I remembered all the soft, yet passionate kisses that we shared under the covers at both my place and her's. The thought of her skin made me wanna cry. The memory of what her lips tasted like made me wanna shoot myself for breaking up with her. Still, I knew it was the smart thing to do. I knew that the pain couldn't possibly last much longer...could it?
"Do you want a laundry bag or something?"
I was suddenly snapped back into the present situation.
"Yeah. Thanks."
Darrin left the room and returned with a laundry bag a few minutes later.
"Hey, Michael?"
"Yeah?"
"For what it's worth, I think you were the best version of you when you were with Melinda. We all thought so."
I had a hard time speaking. I felt I would cry any minute now.
"Thanks, man" were the only words that could come out of my mouth.
He left the room and I felt my knees hit the ground as I started to bawl my eyes out. I could barely see because my eyes were so full of tears. I didn't know how to handle myself and I was really losing it. After about ten minutes, I realized that this was me regressing back to Phase 3, and that was definitely something I didn't need to do. Somehow, I managed to get myself together and I began to throw the clothes into the bag. I guess I didn't feel the need to fold the clothes because I was sure Melinda would wash them anyway. When the bag was full, there were still some clothes on the ground. I grabbed another laundry bag and threw the rest of the clothes in there before checking my bathroom for anything she may have left in there. I looked through the drawers and found a toothbrush of her's. I also found a box of condoms that I had bought the week before we broke up.
"Serves me right to have bought a 30-pack! Damn you, Costco!"
I put her toothbrush in a plastic bag and put it with the other stuff. I took the stuff downstairs to load it into my car when there was suddenly a knock on the door.
"Feeling a little depressed?"
Not only was Ben at the door, but Ari "Mohawk" Barnes, an old USY friend from Tucson, was with him.
"Mohawk?"
"Hi ya, Mac-Attack!"
He hugged me. We hadn't seen each other since the camping trip back in September.
"Mohawk? You're here?"
"Yeah, I was due for a vacation. Plus, I'm touring ASU tomorrow. I figured I'd make a trip out of it."
I looked at Ben, still in disbelief.
"I can't believe you're actually here, Mohawk."
My two friends were still standing outside.
"You gonna invite us in or are we subject to stand out here in the cold all night?"
"Oh, yeah. Sorry. Come on in."
They did so and we all sat down in the living room. My mother, who hadn't seen Mohawk since he stayed with us during freshman year, entered the room.
"Ari Barnes, as I live and breathe."
"Hi, Mrs. Maccabbi."
He got up and gave my mother a bear hug. She didn't really know how to react; she was never a big fan of Mohawk. Neither was my father, who also entered the room.
"Ari?"
"Hi, Mr. Maccabbi."
"It's actually 'Rabbi' now."
Mohawk shook my father's hand, embarassed for not having known he had become a rabbi.
"To what do we owe the pleasure?"
"We're here to cheer up Mac, Rabbi."
"I was really just questioning why Ari is here."
"I'm visiting ASU tomorrow. I talked to Ben last week about seeing the two of them while I was in town."
"Well, that's uh, very nice of you. Please excuse us."
My parents left the room. About two minutes later, we all began laughing.
"So you're parents still can't stand me."
"Yeah, they never really warmed up to you."
"Eh, whatever. I'm used to it."
We all laughed. Having my two friends at my house was making me feel a lot better, but I suddenly didn't wanna be at home.
"Okay, we have got to leave this house."
"I agree. Where do you wanna go?"
"Anywhere."
"We can't go too far--I have to be in Tempe tomorrow."
I laughed.
"Anywhere in this general area."
"Let's just go to By the Slice and grab a pizza."
"We are always at By the Slice, Ben."
"Well, I've never been to By the Slice, Mac."
"It's not that great."
Ben was offended by my comment.
"Not that great? How could you say such a thing? It's the best restauraunt on this planet! Why I oughta--"
"Ben! Calm down. We can go to By the Slice."
Ben sighed.
"Thank you."
We got a pretty good table when we got there, and I was wrong about the pizza not being that great. I don't know what I was thinking when I said that.
"This pizza is delicious. Sorry about what I said before, Ben."
"You're forgiven."
As I took another slice, the question that I'd been dreading all night was finally asked.
"So, how are you doing right now? I mean, with the break-up and all."
"I don't really wanna talk about that right now, Mowhawk."
"Okay. Sorry I brought it up."
It was quiet for a minute or two before I began to speak again.
"I had to gather all the stuff that she left at my house today."
Neither Ben nor Mowhawk spoke. They obviously thought I had more to say.
"I'm going to her house tomorrow night and we're gonna exchange all our stuff. I don't want to. Actually, I didn't want to break up with her."
"So why did you?"
"We're going to be seperated next year. I'm off to Florida, she's staying here. It makes sense to break up now instead of doing it down the road. I know I did the right thing, but that doesn't help me sleep at night."
I grabbed another slice of pizza.
"Hungry?"
"I'm eating my feelings."
Mohawk decided to pay for the pizza. I offered but he refused my money.
We left By the Slice around 9:00 with plenty of time to raise some hell around Phoenix. We ended up just cruising around for a couple hours, blasting the music in Ben's car and shouting random profanities out the window. It was one of those nights that we generally have when we got to California to see friends like Gahl Sinai and Max Altman. The best part was that it really took my mind off of things.
However, the next day would not be so easy. I slept as long as I possibly could that morning and ended up waking up around 11:00. I did whatever I could to stay busy all day. I started out by cleaning my room. Then I decided to clean my bathroom. Eventually, I was cleaning the entire house. I was even wearing rubber gloves!
"Hey, Consuela, you missed a spot."
"Up your's, Darrin."
"Someone's cranky."
"I'm just trying to clean the TV right now, Darrin. What do you want?"
"Why are you cleaning the TV?"
"It's dirty."
"Dare I ask what you plan to clean next?"
"The refrigerator magnets."
My brother gave me a WTF look before slapping me.
"Dude, what the fuck?"
"You need to snap out of it, Michael. You're losing it!"
"The only thing I'm losing is time. It's 5:00 and I want to get to the couch cushions before sundown."
"You've gotta be kidding me."
"I don't tell you how to live your life, Darrin!"
My brother was still giving me a weird look.
"Okay, what is with that look?"
"Obviously, you're trying to keep your mind off of Melinda right now."
"What of it? It's working."
"No it's not."
"Because you can read my thoughts?"
"I've seen you when you have a lot on your mind. You get frantic and go all OCD on everyone."
I then looked down at my rubber gloves and quickly removed them.
"Is that better?"
"Why yes."
"Anything else you'd like to council me on, Dr. Phil?"
"Yes."
"What's that?"
"Weren't you supposed to be at Melinda's by 6?"
"Yeah, it's only 5."
"The clock is slow. It's 5:35."
My face suddenly went into FML Mode.
"Shit, I gotta get dressed!"
"You can't wear what you're wearing?"
"I have to look good. I guarantee she's gonna look great."
"She always looks great."
"Exactly! I need to shower, I need to shave; maybe I need to get a haircut! I need--"
"Michael!"
"What?!"
"Start with the shower."
"Right."
I started heading up the stairs.
"And Michael?"
"What?"
"It's 5:45. You have 15 minutes."
"Shit!"
I was about ten minutes late to Melinda's. The sun was setting and it was starting to rain as I pulled into her driveway. I knocked on the door and melted at the sight of her. She was wearing a red blouse and jeans. For lack of a better term, she looked really hot.
"Hi."
"Hi. Come in."
I stepped into her house feeling eerie. It was weird to be around her without kissing her. Everytime I looked at her, there was a reminder that I couldn't kiss her. I felt uncomfortable and tense. I could tell she was feeling the same way.
"So, are your parents home?"
"They went up to Sedona for the weekend."
"That must be nice."
"Yeah, I'm sure they're having a good time."
It was silent again for a minute or two.
"So, what's new with you?"
"Nothing really. Senioritis is killing me."
"Tell me about it. I had a pile of homework this weekend and I haven't done any of it!"
We laughed a little bit about senioritis...and then it was silent again.
"It could take a while to go through all the stuff."
"Oh. You wanted to go through it?"
"Well, yeah. I wanted to make sure all your stuff is there."
"Okay."
I didn't know how to act around her. It had been so long since we weren't a couple that I forgot what it was like to just be friends with her. Of course, I don't know if we were exactly friends at this point, but still, I didn't know how to not be her boyfriend. I wondered if she was having the same difficulty that I was.
"So, uh, should we start looking through the stuff?"
"Yeah. Give me a sec, your stuff is still in the car."
I stepped outside in the now-pouring rain and began to pace.
"God damnit! Why does this have to be so fucking hard?"
I was pulling my hair as I paced around.
"Fuck! Why do we have to sit and go through the stuff? Why can't she just let me drop the stuff off and let me go in peace? Why, why why?"
"Because it's something that we have to do."
I turned around to see that Melinda was standing right there.
"But why do we have to do it? What's the point? Wasn't the break-up hard enough?"
"In my defense, you broke up with me."
"Huh?"
"You were the one who said that we should break up now and not later. I figured it was what you wanted."
"What I wanted?"
"Yeah. The signs were there, Michael. I mean, you decided to go to Florida over staying here with me. I figured that meant that you wanted to end things with me."
"Melinda, my decision to go to Florida had nothing to do with you. It had to do with the fact that I've wanted to go there my whole life. I shouldn't give up a dream on anyone's account."
"I would've done anything to stay with you."
"Bullshit, Melinda! Who was the one that initiated the talk three weeks ago about how we needed a deadline on our relationship? Do you have any idea how much it killed me inside to hear you say that?"
I heard the sound of thunder.
"Do you know how much it hurt me to be the one to end things with us? But I wouldn't have ended things with us if you hadn't suggested it first."
It continued to rain heavily as we stood there in silence. Thunder was heard as I looked into my ex-girlfriend's sad eyes. Lightning struck as she looked into mine. It seemed that there wasn't much else left to say.
"Would there even be any chance for us if we decided to stay together with no deadline?"
I looked at her. We were both crying.
"No. No, I don't think we would've lasted."
We both continued to cry in the pouring rain.
"At least you're honest."
"I always have been."
We were pretty close together at this point. I felt myself stroke her wet hair gently. She gripped my fingers tightly and I stopped. Our heads came together as we continued to cry. I was suddenly holding her the way I used to when we were together. It continued to rain on us as we just stood there, holding each other in silence. In any other circumstance, I would've trusted every single instinct of mine and kissed her right there and then...but I ignored my intuition and stopped myself.
"I can't do this. Please understand."
"I understand."
"It hurt too much the first time."
"I know."
I loosened my grip on her and she slowly broke away from my hold.
"Bring my stuff in and I'll grab your stuff for you."
"Okay."
I set the laundry bags down in her living room and set the plastic bag with her toothbrush on the kitchen counter. She entered the room with two boxes that I immediately took off her hands. She had folded all my clothes very nicely and had obviously washed them. Without a word, I started walking toward the front door and out into the rain. When I was loading the boxes into my car, I suddenly saw her running out the door and toward me. Very quickly, I closed my trunk and opened my arms for what would be the last time. We kissed as if nothing had changed between the two of us. We kissed as if we were still a couple, as happy as can be.
I ran my fingers through her hair as we kissed more passionately than we ever kissed the entire time we were together. It was comparable to the kiss we shared in the middle of the hospital parking lot the day my father had his heart attack. It was different, however, because it truly felt like a last kiss.
"I love you, Michael Maccabbi.I'll always love you. No matter where we go in life, I'll always love you."
"I love you too, Melinda."
We kissed once more and hugged. We were both crying again; it seemed to be the trend of the evening.
I got in my car and drove off in the rain. There was quite a bit on my mind as I headed home, but something that sticks out in my mind is the five phases.
Phase 1: The actual break-up
Phase 2: The initial shock
Phase 3: The depression
Phase 4: The confrontation
Phase 5: The acceptance
I had now moved past the first four phases, and while it could potentially have been the hardest thing I would ever experience, I knew that I could safely ease into Phase 5.
Sincerely,
Mac-Attack
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