"Michael!"
I was just getting done with a phone call with a congregant when my father entered the office. I was at my job, by the way. The one where I answer phones in the synagogue office.
"What did I do now?"
My dad usually doesn't sound excited when he says my name, so I was a little off-guard when he did it this time.
"Do you know what today is?"
"Mrs. Lipschitz has a Yahurtzeit for mother-in-law."
"I'm being serious."
"Seriously, she does. I was just on the phone with her."
"Michael, remember last week when Mark called?"
Mark is my sister Tara's boyfriend, aka the 2009 Peoples' Choice Award for Biggest Tool.
"I guess he may have called. What's it about?"
"We're playing golf with him this afternoon. The two of us and your brother."
"Darrin or JT? JT isn't much of a golfer--he'd be a great beverage cart girl though!"
"Darrin, of course. And don't talk about your younger brother that way. He has enough problems."
"I don't think being in the closet is a big problem, Dad. He'll have bigger problems when he finally comes out."
"I'm not discussing this anymore!"
"The golf or JT's sexuality?"
"The latter!"
It was then that we realized that the door was open and that all of the other happy workers at Temple Beth Zion could hear our conversation. This included our youth director, Maryl Moskowitz.
"Michael, I've been meaning to talk to you."
"Oh, Maryl, is this about the conversation we were just having? We were role-playing, really."
"No, Al, it's actually about USY. Can I steal your son for a bit?
"I don't see why not. I have work to do on this week's sermon before we head to the golf course."
I walked over to Maryl's office with her. It wasn't a big office, but there were lots of pictures of all things USY. There was even a picture of me with Ben and Melinda. You know Melinda, the girl who was my best friend until I fell in love with her.
"We haven't seen you at the house lately. Melinda told me you were in California for a while."
Did I forget to mention that Maryl is Melinda's mother?
"Yeah, I was there for a while. It was a good trip."
"I'm glad you had a good time."
I wondered if Maryl knew about the drama between myself and her daughter.
"Well, Melinda told me that Brian Berg held a party for you, but that she didn't see you much at the party."
I guess Maryl didn't know. It might be a good idea to keep it that way.
"Um, yeah. Ben and I split pretty early. It was boring, really."
"Hmm. Very strange, Melinda usually loves his parties. In fact, she told me all sorts of things about his beginning of Summer party. Her and Aaron made themselves official there, you know."
Aaron was also a good friend of mine, but then he fucked Melinda at Convention and the rest is history. I could say a lot of things about that situation, but keeping in mind that I was talking to Melinda's own mother, I just decided to say: "Yeah. That's what I heard."
"You certainly did miss a lot while you were gone, Michael."
"That's what Ben told me when he eventually came out to California."
"Yes, he waited until after our Board elections to leave town, which is something you should have considered doing."
Crap. I didn't think about the fact that I would be missing our board elections. I was going to be running for President of TBZ USY. I guess that didn't end up happening.
"Aaron got the position as President, Benjamin took Vice President, and the rest of the positions were filled by sophomores."
"Well, Ben didn't tell me about that when we were in Cali."
"Michael, Aaron is a devoted USYer, no doubt. He's also very good to Melinda. However, he can't do this alone. We're appointing a co-president and I would strongly urge you to come to our board meeting next week when the decision is made."
Wow, that would be great. I'd love to be a co-president. I have so many great ideas for USY and--and I'd be working with Aaron. Wow, I'd have to think about this.
"I have to think about this. It's a big commitment."
"Well, think on it for the next week. If you decide to come, have a speech ready. Aaron and Ben will be the ones making the decision. If they can't agree, then I will put in a third vote. I think that your chances would be pretty good."
She winked.
"Thank you, Maryl. I'll consider it."
I left her office and headed back to my dad's office. About ten minutes later, I punched out for the day and we left for the golf course. Mark apparently has a country club membership, so we went to the place that he is a member of: Tatum Creek Country Club.
"Mike! Rabbi! Glad you could come!"
Did this guy seriously just call me "Mike"?
"You guys are going to LOVE this place. State of the art desert course, full restaurant, hot showers."
He then looked at me.
"You'll love the fitness club here, Mike. The ladies LOVE a man who is physically fit. Your sister tells me you are a big fan of the ladies."
Once again, this guy called me "Mike".
"Yeah, I am a big fan of them. What guy isn't?"
"Our younger brother."
It was Darrin, my twin brother. I'd never been so happy to see him in our entire 17 years of existence.
"Darrin, I've never been so happy to see you in our entire 17 years of existence!"
"You just saw me this morning during breakfast."
"Well, I hate to interrupt the family reunion, but we have a 3:30 tee-time. It's already a quarter after 3."
"Then what are we standing around for? Let's head to the tee."
We got two carts: In the first cart were my dad and Mark. Darrin and I took the second cart. As we drove to the first tee, I decided to take this opportunity to discuss with my brother the possibilities of a hidden agenda.
"Mark doesn't have a hidden agenda."
"Suppose he does, though. I mean, I love Tara dearly, but who in their right mind would want to be with her?"
"Nick Schwartz, Ryan Bronstein, Joey Rabinowitz--"
"Okay, I get it. Tara has dated a lot of guys. However, they've all eventually left her."
"But Mark isn't going to leave her."
"How do you know?"
"Because he showed me a ring he bought for her. He's proposing tonight."
Before I could even respond, we heard Mark's voice saying: "Are you boys gonna hit or do we have to give you a one-stroke penalty?"
I have no idea how that was funny, but my dad started cracking up when he heard Mark say it.
"Yeah, we're coming."
Darrin and I each hit our first drives and then got back into the cart.
"Mark is proposing to Tara?"
"Yes he is. Mom and Dad are gonna be thrilled."
"Why on EARTH would he propose to Tara?"
"I'm gonna go with: he loves her and she makes him happy."
"Bullshit. Tara can't even make HERSELF happy."
We went to our respective golf balls, hit, got to the green, putted, and then got back in the cart and headed to the next tee.
"Suppose he's in it for the money."
"What money?"
"Dad's money."
"Dad doesn't have any money."
"Well, maybe Mark thinks he does. Afterall, TBZ is one of the largest growing synagogues in Phoenix right now."
"That's because there's only 10 synagogues in the whole state."
We continued to knock around our golf balls and putt. When we got to the third tee-box, Darrin finally told me: "Michael, whether you like it or not, Tara and Mark love each other. He's going to propose to her and she's going to say Yes. This is the best relationship Tara has ever been with, so DO NOT ruin it for her--for ANY of us."
And on that note, I kept my mouth shut for the rest of the round of golf. The next 15 holes went by slowly. Mark continued to make retarded jokes and my dad and brother continued to crack up at them. I got the occasional look from Darrin which would convince me to fake-laugh.
We were in the locker room after we played. Mark handed me a key of some sort.
"What's this?"
"I bought your dad a membership here. It's your membership too, so here's the key to your personal golf locker."
I didn't really know what to say about this.
"I really don't know what to say, Mark."
"Say that you'll play more golf with me. I'd love to have you out here."
Well, this was unexpected.
"This is unexpected."
"Listen, Mikey boy, I know that it's hard to accept someone new into your family. But I love your sister and I'm going to propose to her tonight."
"Darrin mentioned that."
"And when Tara and I are married, I think it's important that you see me as a big brother, rather than a brother-in-law. I know we don't know each other so well, but I'd like for that to change."
Wow, maybe I was wrong about Mark. Maybe he really was a pretty sharp guy.
"I'd like that too, Mark."
"Great. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to take a shower before the big night tonight. I'm taking Tara out, you know. Kinda a big night."
I nodded my head.
"Here's $100. This is a little something extra so you can go on more expensive dates. Women love a big spender."
"Thanks a lot, Mark. I can't wait to hear about how it goes tonight. Tara's gonna be freaking out when she gets home tonight."
I took the hundred dollar bill and walked off. I guess I was wrong about Mark. I mean, sure he was a bit of a tool, but he was an all-around nice guy and was, for some strange reason, in love with my sister.
"I can't wait to see ya, honey."
I guess he was on the phone with her now.
"Come on, Janie, just because I'm proposing to Tara tonight doesn't mean you won't be seeing me anymore. You'll always be my number one girl."
Huh?
"I love you too. I'll see you soon."
Maybe I wasn't wrong about him!
Sincerely,
Mac-Attack
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