In this life, we all have moments that define us. For instance, President Abraham Lincoln's defining moment was his Gettysburg Address, Barack Obama's defining moment was becoming the first black president, and Michael Moore's defining moment was being booed off the stage at the Academy Awards for voicing his opinions on George W. Bush (if only the First Amendment still existed). I had a defining moment of my own on Wednesday, when I was appointed to be the co-president of TBZ USY. It was a great moment, and I was glad to be chosen. I just knew at that moment that some great times in USY were ahead.
However, writing my speech distracted me from something that had been bothering me. You see, I have a crazy sister named Tara. Tara recently fell in love with a jackass named Mark. Mark proposed to Tara and now they are going to be getting married. Oh, did I forget to mention that Mark is CHEATING on Tara with some slut named Janie? Yes, I heard him on the phone with this whore. His words were: "Just because I'm proposing to Tara tonight doesn't mean you won't be seeing me anymore."
What a fucking bastard. Well, I'm gonna do something about it. Crazy or not, Tara is my sister and I can't watch her enter the union of marriage with this guy.
"I don't think Mark is cheating on Tara."
It was really hard to convince my twin brother Darrin. I guess I wasn't surprised; everyone in my family is up Mark's ass, and Darrin is no exception.
"Darrin, I know what I heard."
"Michael, need I remind you that you have a record for bad judgment. Remember Danika Payne?"
Danika Payne is this bipolar girl I hooked up with at the homecoming game my sophomore year. It wasn't a proud moment when she punched me in the face at the dance the next night.
"Come on, Darrin, I was a sophomore. That's Greek for Wise Fool."
"I don't see where the Wise part of that fits in."
"Listen, Darrin, I know you guys think that Mark is this great guy. It's probably because he spends his money on all of you. It's how he reels people in."
"Are you saying that Mark is cheating on Tara or that he's a con-artist?"
"Now that's an interesting new theory. Maybe he is a con-artist. Maybe he gets engaged with crazy girls for a living!"
"Why would anyone do that for a living?"
"I don't know. It's a crazy world full of crazy people, including our crazy sister who is about to marry someone who she doesn't know anything about! Well, I'm gonna take down this son of a bitch, Darrin."
"Well, can I make a suggestion?"
"Sure."
"Before you go telling everyone about the evil that is Mark, you may want to answer your phone. It's been vibrating constantly for the last minute or so."
Just then, I noticed the sounds of the vibrations coming from my phone. It was my co-president, Aaron Youngston.
"Hello?"
"How ya feelin, Mr. Co-President?"
"Hey, Aaron. How are ya?"
"I am quite well. We need to discuss some USY stuff, president-to-president. Can you meet me for lunch?"
"Yeah. I can do By the Slice around 1."
"Sounds good."
I got to By the Slice right at 1. Aaron was already there.
"President Mac-Attack."
"President--Aaron Youngston."
Aaron doesn't have a cool nickname like mine, therefore I didn't know how else to address him.
"So the first thing we need to talk about is membership."
"Our membership is stronger than ever, Aaron. We have a chapter of 150 people."
"And you're satisfied with that?"
"Well, being that the Jewish community of Phoenix, AZ isn't very big, I'd day we're doing something right."
"Am Yisrael has 200 members."
"They also cover more ground. That place is the zone for Tempe, Mesa, Chandler and Gilbert. While there aren't too many Jews in any of those cities, it all adds up."
"You don't think we could be doing better?"
"Aaron, our chapter is big enough to the point that we need TWO presidents. That's where I come in."
"Yes. Yes it is."
"I think membership should be the LEAST of our concerns. I think the most important thing we need to look at is programming."
"Oh?"
"Yes. We can't be doing the same old stuff that we've always done. You can only go bowling so many times."
"That's always such a popular event."
"Aaron, think about it. People are gonna want something fresh. I mean, we live in Arizona, one of the best states to go hiking in. Piestewa Peak isn't far from TBZ, yet we've never had an event in which we have taken a group up there. I think that could generate a lot of interest."
"Hmm. I'm intrigued. Keep talking."
"Well, in the wintertime, we have Flagstaff. Think of how many people live in Arizona who haven't ever seen snow. We could do a Retreat up there over a weekend. Think of how amazing Shabbat would be up in the mountains."
Aaron appeared as if he was thinking.
"You know, Mac, there's a reason you were appointed to be my co-president."
He raised his glass.
"Here's to fresh ideas."
I raised my glass.
"Here's to a great year in USY."
I'd say lunch was very productive.
I got home around 3 and saw that Mark was there.
"Mike, I've been wondering where you've been."
Have I brought up the fact that he calls me Mike? I hate it when people call me that, especially when NOBODY CALLS ME THAT!!!
"Mark, how are things?"
I was being completely fake with him. I didn't really care how things were with him!
"Things are great. I just settled a 10.5 million dollar case yesterday."
"That's a lot of money."
"Yes, and I get 5% of that money. Looks like your sister and I are gonna have a pretty extravagent wedding."
That's what you think, Mark, but there will be no wedding. Not if I can help it.
"Oh, Michael, you're home."'
My mom entered the room.
"How did the lunch meeting go?"
"It was good. It's going to be a great year in USY."
"Well that's nice. Did Mark tell you about the case he just settled?"
"Yes."
Like I said before, everyone is up this guy's ass.
"Well, I just think it's wonderful. Well, Michael, don't you think it's about time you put on something presentable. We're having a big Shabbat dinner/Engagement party for Tara and Mark."
"Really? Why?"
"Because it's a big deal. We're going to be having a wedding in two months!"
"Two months?"
"We didn't want a long engagement. I'm taking care of everything, it's going to be great."
Two months isn't a long engagement at all. In fact, it's a very short engagement!
"Michael, aren't you just so excited for the par-tay???"
I shoulda known that JT would be excited. It seems that everyone is excited except for me.
"To be honest, I am not in the least bit excited."
"Well, why ever not? I mean, it's an engagement! There's going to be a wedding! It's going to be FAB-U-LOUS!!!"
I really wasn't in the mood to deal with JT's metrosexuality.
"I have to get dressed. And then I have to break the news to the whole engagement party that Mark is a fraud."
"A fraud? Mark? No! It can't be!!!"
Overdramatic much?
"I think he's just super. He even bought me a fedora today! Do you think I can rock the look?"
No.
"Yes, JT, I think a fedora will make the ladies fall head-over-heels for you."
"Ew, why would I want that?"
"What?"
"What?"
"What's all the chatter about?"
"Michael thinks that Mark is a fraud! SAY IT ISN'T SO, DARRIN!"
"Overdramatic much?"
Darrin proceeded to look at me.
"Michael, I think you are wrong about this."
"You'll all see. I know what I heard and that's all the proof I need. This guy is a lawyer, so let's see how he handles being put on the stand."
"Michael--"
"There's no time, Darrin. I'm getting dressed now; I'll see you downstairs in a little bit."
I wasted no time. As soon as I put on my black dress shirt and slacks, I headed downstairs where there were a ton of people. All my parents' friends and also a bunch of people I'd never met before; I assumed them to be Mark's family.
"Ah, everyone, Michael has finally graced us with his presence."
Some people seemed happy, and some people had that facial expression that said: "Ah, the rabbi's son. What's he gonna do with his life? All he does is chase tail."
"Mikey boy, I want you to meet some of my friends."
"Yes, that'd be great, Mark. But first, I think you and I need to have a little talk in the other room."
"Uh, okay. Sure, I can do that."
We went into the living room. I wanted to just completely lay into him, but I felt that there was a better approch.
"You come into my family and expect us all to just bow down to you. Well, Mark, you may have everyone else fooled, but not ME!"
"Oh, I see what this is. You're doing a bit right now. I had no idea you were an actor."
"I'm not acting, Mark. I heard your phone call while we were at the golf course and I know that you aren't who you say you are."
"Mike, I think you have the wrong idea."
"No, Mark. YOU have the wrong idea. You think you can just buy us all off with expensive gifts and country clubs and fedoras. Well you're NOT gonna buy me, Mark!"
"Mike, will you please calm down and listen to me?"
"And another thing: STOP CALLING ME MIKE!!!"
"Uncle Mark, why is there so much yelling?"
A small child who was maybe 6 years old entered the room--Did she just say "Uncle Mark"?
"It's okay, Janie. Michael here was just confused."
Mark looked over at me.
"Michael, this is Janie--my neice."
Neice?
"Nice to meet you, Michael."
Neice?
"Uh, it's a pleasure."
"Janie, why don't you go play with Mommy for a while? I'll be back in a minute."
"Okay, but you owe me a piggy-back ride later!"
"Of course. Now run along."
Neice?
"Michael, I can see you don't have a very high opinion of me."
I felt awful.
"I guess I didn't give you much of a chance."
"Michael, I understand. I have a sister too and I was always very protective of her. But I've become rather close with my brother-in-law. He's really good to my sister, just like I am to your's."
"Looks like I owe you an apology, Mark."
"Eh, don't worry about it. Afterall, we're brothers now, and brothers fight all the time."
I smiled.
"Come on, let's go have Shabbat."
And so we walked back into the dining room. I met some of Mark's lawyer friends, talked to my parents' friends, ate challah and matoball soup and all that other good Shabbat stuff. I spent the rest of that night hanging out with my soon-to-be brother-in-law. Sometimes things are not always what they appear to be, which is a lesson I learned well that night. I hate learning lessons, but none the less, I had a feeling Mark and I would come to be good friends.
I guess this entry has a moral!
Sincerely,
Mac-Attack
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