So my trip to California has been going great. I've gotten to spend some time with my Grandma, I just met this really amazing girl, Laura, and it's been great just hangin' at the beach.
However, even with all the good things, I sorta missed Arizona...NOT!
I had been in Los Angeles for about three weeks when I heard my phone ring one afternoon.
"Hello?"
"Enjoying the beach?"
It was none other than my best friend Ben. I just then realized that I hadn't spoken to him since I had left town on that fateful Sunday night after Convention.
"Ben! It's great to hear from you."
"Must be nice falling from the face of the planet!"
I laughed.
"Yeah, sorry about that. I guess I needed to get away."
"Perfect timing too."
I sensed a little sarcasm in Ben's voice.
"What's going on? Is everything okay?"
"Why should I tell you on the phone when I can tell you in person?"
"How would you...hold on--"
I looked outside and saw my best friend standing on the driveway of my grandmother's house.
I ran outside and gave my best friend a big hug.
"You crazy son of a bitch! What are you doing here?"
"Well, you missed out on B's party for the first time in three years, I figured something must be up."
I still couldn't believe it. I was so happy to have my best friend by my side. Just when I thought this trip couldn't be any better, it just did.
We went inside the house and sat down in the living room.
"Nice place. Three weeks in Malibu and you're already living the life of a highroller."
"If the life of a highroller is driving my grandma to her various appointments and what not, then yes, I am living the life of a highroller."
"Hahahaha. Mac-Attack, I can most definitely see why you would've missed B's party for this."
"The thought hadn't even crossed my mind, Ben. Honestly, I didn't even leave this house until last week."
"You mean you haven't been partying with Gahl and Max and all them?"
"They're up at Camp, being counselors and what not. They said they'll all send postcards though."
"So what have you been up to? In three weeks, something exciting must have happened. You're the fucking Mac-Attack for crying out loud."
He did have a point. I am the fucking Mac-Attack.
"Knock knock."
That seemed to answer Ben's question for me.
"Hey, Laura," I said as I opened the sliding glass door for her.
"Hey, Mac. I was hoping we could take a walk or something."
"Yeah, that sounds great--"
"Ahem."
I suddenly remembered that Ben had just gotten there.
"Laura, this is my best friend Ben. He just got here like 15 minutes ago from Phoenix."
"Benjamin Rudolph Sheiner at your service."
Btw, Ben said this in a British accent.
"Well, it's nice to meet you. Mac has told me so much about Phoenix."
"Oh, I'm sure Young Michael has told you all sorts of exciting stuff."
He was continuing with a British accent.
"So, are you British?"
Suddenly, Ben realized that he was not an 18th Century British Gentleman.
"Um, no. I'm actually from Newport originally, but I moved to Phoenix in the sixth grade."
Laura gave me a strange look.
"Uh, Mac, let me call you later."
"Probably a good idea."
She walked out and I looked at Ben.
"You're middle name is Rudolph?"
"You didn't know that?"
"Does ANYBODY know that?"
"Probably not."
I can't say I'm surprised at how Ben introduced himself. He's never been particularly good with women.
"So when did that happen?"
"When did what happen?"
"You and that Laura girl. When did it happen?"
"Last week. Went to a bonfire with her, she's really cool."
"Yeah, she seems like it."
Ben looked very serious for a minute.
"Mac, Aaron and Melinda are an item now."
Well, I didn't see that one coming.
"I didn't see that one coming."
"It became official at B's party last weekend."
I was speechless. It was hard to believe that Melinda had moved on so quickly. At prom, she told me that she had been in love with me for a long time; we've been friends our whole lives.
"Well, I guess that's good for them. I hope she's happy."
"She sure seemed like it. You seem to have moved on too, though."
"What? Oh, yeah. Yeah, Laura is a fantastic gal; really terriffic."
"Is she from the 1970s, when those descriptions were last used?"
"You're just too fucking hilarious."
"I try to be."
We were laughing for a little bit.
"Hey, I got an idea. I'm supposed to be going out with Laura tomorrow night; I bet she has a friend who we can fix you up with? You feel like staying a few days?"
"Do you think I woulda driven six hours if I didn't feel like staying a few days?"
"I'm so glad you are here, Ben. This is gonna be great."
However, not all was great. Not only did I have Melinda on my mind suddenly, but I found out when I went to Laura's that finding a date for Ben might be difficult.
"Mac, all my friends are taken."
"You don't have any single friends?"
"None that your friend would be interested in."
"Trust me, his standards aren't that high."
I should say so. Especially after he hooked up with this girl Ariel Woods on the Disneyland trip Freshman year. Wow, that was gross.
"Okay, I have a cousin who lives not far from here. Her name is Gertrude and she's single."
"Gertrude? Is she an 80 year old woman?"
I enjoyed hearing Laura's laugh. In fact, out of all the girls I've dated, Laura wins for Best Laugh.
"Ben and I will pick you girls up at your house around 7. I bet we could roll in my grandfather's old Camaro."
"Oh, I love a man with a fast car."
"Oh yeah?"
"Especially if it has a big back seat."
"I don't think you'll be too disappointed."
"I hope not."
She kissed me softly. It was a really bad time for my phone to start vibrating.
"Is that your phone, or are you just happy to see me?"
"Very funny,"
I answered my phone.
"Hello?"
"Michael!!!"
Oh goody; it was my overly feminine younger brother JT.
"Hi, JT. How are you?"
"I am just fantabulous! How are you?"
"I'm good. Uh, can I call you back? I'm sorta busy."
"Too busy to talk to your own brother???"
He's really overdramatic like that.
"Are you calling about anything important?"
"Um, yeah. I wanted to tell you all about my amazing day of shopping!"
"Goodbye, JT."
The last thing I ever want to hear about is JT's shopping sprees. To be honest, there's nothing in the world that I hate more than shopping.
"Fun conversation?"
"Oh, tons. I gotta go; God knows how Ben is doing alone with my Grandma."
I got back to my grandma's house in time to hear her telling the story of her and my grandpa's wedding night.
"You know, Benjamin, back then we waited until we were married to engage in intercourse. I tell you, life was so much simpler only making love to one man for my entire life."
"Thank you for that, Grandma."
"Oh, Michael, you're home. Benjamin tells me that you two are going on a double date tonight."
"Yeah."
"Do you need any condoms?"
"No, I think I'm pretty much covered in that area."
"Alrighty, well, if you need anything."
"Thanks, Mrs. Maccabbi. It was a lovely story!"
Once my grandma was finally out of the room...
"Did you know that your grandparents fucked in that old Camaro out there?"
"Wow. Thank you for that, Ben."
"What's the story on tonight?"
"Laura has a girl for you."
"Is she cute?"
"I didn't see a picture."
"What's her name?"
"Uh, I didn't ask."
I lied, but how could I tell her that his date's name was Gertrude? He'd never go for it!
7:00 came around really fast. Ben and I got dressed in our best attire, for we were taking these girls out on the town. We got in the Camaro and drove a couple houses down to Laura's place.
"Um, Mac?"
"Yes, Ben?"
"Please tell me that we're meeting my date at the restaurant."
"I'd be lying to you if I told you that, Ben."
"Mac?!"
"Hi, guys."
"Laura, hey! Is this your cousin?"
Laura's cousin looked like a clone of that TV Personality, Ugly Betty...you know, except not as good-looking.
"Hi, I'm Gertrude."
Ben whispered to me: "It has a name?"
"Be nice," I whispered back to him.
"Gertrude, this is Mac and Ben."
"Hi, Ben."
"Hi, uh..."
"Gertrude," I whispered.
"Gertrude. Um, how are you this fine evening?"
"You're cute...ACHOO!"
"Bless you. Um, sorry. Gertrude has a bit of a cold."
"That's--"
"Fine. That's cool, we're not germaphobes here. You girls get in the back, we've got a whole night in store."
The night was a little shaky. First, when we got to the restaurant, Gertrude sneezed all over Ben's salad.
"Oh, sorry about that, Ben. At least I didn't sneeze on your steak."
Then she sneezed on his steak...and his baked potato.
"Oh, it's quite alright. I'll just have the waiter take it back...for the fiftieth time."
"You know what, it's okay. Because dinner is on ME!"
I ended up paying for five steaks: mine and all four of Ben's.
After we were done at the restaurant, I figured we'd test our luck at the beach. Afterall, the beach brings out the best in people.
"You wanna go for a walk?"
"I'd love to...you kids have fun now."
I was so happy to be alone with Laura as we walked on the beach.
"Okay, I am so sorry about Gertrude. I can tell your friend is just having an awful time!"
"Yeah, I'm sorry too. I've gotta make it up to him somehow. He's probably gonna be sneezing for weeks after tonight!"
"Well, if it's any consolation, I think it was really noble of you to set her up. No one ever wants to go out with Gertrude."
"Yeah, same with Ben. The guy can't ever seem to catch a break."
"How about you? Do you catch a break very often?"
"I've been known to find some good girls every now and then."
"Who says I'm good?"
As we heard the sounds of the crashing tide, we began making out on the beach.
"It's okay if you're not good. Sometimes I like a girl who's a little bad."
"I never said I wasn't good."
She had a very seductive smile on her face.
Suddenly:
"Gertrude, can I please have my pants???"
Oh boy. I most definitely won the award for Worst Best Friend!
Sincerely,
Mac-Attack
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