There was one week left of summer, and if I can tell you one thing about this summer, it's that this was quite possibly the longest summer of my life. Let's recap:
- I went to California on a crazy whim and stayed there for almost six weeks.
- I got back from California to find that the love of my life had officially been driven to someone else.
- My sister got engaged.
- I was appointed to be the Co-President of USY.
I'd say that's a pretty eventful summer.
But it wasn't over yet.
There was one more party to go to this summer. Brian Berg, or B, had already thrown two parties this summer. I suppose he felt that he needed to end his summer on a good note.
"You see, Mac-Attack, I need to end my summer on a good note."
"Well, you know I never miss your parties, B."
"Then you'll be there?"
"Of course."
"Great! I wasn't sure if I'd even want to have a party without you there, Mac-Attack. My beginning of summer party was definitely missing something. It's probably because you weren't there."
"Yup. That must be it."
B admires me a lot, and it can be a little overwhelming/creepy at times.
The day before the party, we had our very first board meeting. I was there, obviously, along with Ben (my best friend and our Vice President) and Aaron (my co-president and boyfriend of Melinda). Maryl, our youth director and Melinda's mom was also in attendance.
The rest of the board was there as well. All of them are sophomores just dying to get involved in USY Politics.
Our Communications officer is named Tony Abromi, and he's an Italian Jew. This would explain why he has big black hair and an equally big nose.
Our Israel Affairs Officer is named Sharon Stone, and she's pretty chill. Very quiet, but passionate about Israel and what not.
Our Membership/Kadima Officer is named Amanda Braun, and she's a tad bit annoying, especially with her unsettling voice that sounds similar to that of Fran Drescher.
Our Religion/Education VP is named Josh Mauer. The funny thing about Josh is that he is so similar to my younger brother JT. Both of them are into shopping, and there is also debate on each of their sexual orientations. I don't think they've ever met, but it might be nice for JT to have a new friend.
"Hello, board members. In a minute, I'm going to be giving the floor to Michael and Aaron, but I just wanted to start off by saying how excited I am for this year in USY. We have a lot of enthusiastic people on this board, so it's going to be a lot of fun."
For some odd reason, the sophomores began clapping. Aaron and I looked at each other and then started off.
"Okay, guys. I am Aaron, and this is Mac. We are your co-presidents."
The sophomores clapped once again.
"This is gonna be a long meeting," I muttered under my breath.
When the sophomores were done clapping, I continued.
"I'd also like to introduce Ben Sheiner, your Vice President--you guys really don't need to be clapping after we name everyone."
They didn't clap for the rest of the meeting. If they had, the two hours would've gone much slower than it was already going. After the meeting, I was about to drive off when Aaron caught up with me.
"I need to talk to you."
"Yeah, I know, the board is really young, but that could be to our advantage."
"Mac, it's about something else."
He looked at me for a minute.
"I'm breaking up with Melinda tomorrow."
"What?"
I wondered if what he had really said what he had just said. I'd recently had many dreams in which Melinda would come to me and say: "I left Aaron. You're the only one that I want, Mac-Attack." But then I realize it's a dream because Melinda has never called me "Mac-Attack" in our entire lives. In fact, she hates that aspect of me.
"Everything with her and I has just become so routine. There's nothing exciting about it anymore."
"And you think you can find more excitement with someone else?"
"Listen, Mac, you understand. Relationships are overrated; maybe I should just take your approach."
I looked at Aaron. On one hand, I was sorta hoping that this day would come. Afterall, I am in love with Melinda. Maybe with Aaron out of the picture, I could finally have my shot.
But on the other hand, Aaron made her happy. I didn't want to see her get hurt.
"Aaron, forget everything I've ever said about relationships. You don't wanna be like me. You have an incredible girl and you shouldn't just throw it away due to lack of excitement. I'm sure there's lots of things you two could do to spice things up."
Aaron seemed to be intrigued by this statement.
"Well, there is something I've been wanting to try in bed. I just need some duct tape and some hand cuffs and--"
"Okay, Aaron. Glad I could help. See you at the party tomorrow night."
Tomorrow night came fast. Ben was the designated driver of the evening, and I told him all about the conversation with Aaron.
"I thought you'd be thrilled that Aaron wants to dump Melinda. You could get your relationship with her back on track. She only got with Aaron in the first place because you didn't make a move on her."
"But it turned into something more. She loves him and I can't see her get hurt."
"Even if it means that you end up hurt."
"So goes the game of love."
When we arrived at B's house, it was apparent that this would be different than any of his parties that we had been to before.
"BEER WAR!!!"
Our gracious host was already wasted.
"Did you know there would be alcohol here?"
"B never said anything to me. Oh well, let's go grab a beer."
"I'm driving."
"Oh yeah. Well, more for me."
I'm not a big drinker, but I felt that a couple beers might relax me and get me into the partying mood.
"MAC-ATTACK!!!!!!"
"B. I can tell you're taking advantage of not having to drive tonight."
"This is the BEST PARTY EVER!"
On the other hand, it might be smarter to have just one beer. I wasn't in a "get drunk" type of mood.
B grabbed me a Sam Adams and I walked around looking for people.
"Are Melinda and Aaron gonna be here?"
"Aaron said they would."
"Maybe we should find them."
"Alright. You look out here and I'll look upstairs."
After walking up 40 steps, I was finally upstairs. Most of the bedroom doors were open--except for one. I wondered if maybe Aaron and Melinda were in that room trying out that thing he almost told me about.
"No harm in knocking," I thought.
I knocked and heard Aaron's voice saying: "WHO IS IT?" He didn't sound sober.
"It's me. I was wondering where you guys are."
"Oh, Mac-Attack, you can come in!"
I walked in and saw something I did NOT want to see. A pants-less Aaron and--not Melinda.
"Ladies, meet my man Mac-Attack."
There were two girls that were not Melinda.
"Um, this is different."
I stared in silence for about a minute before I finally lost it and said:
"YOU BASTARD! HOW THE FUCK COULD YOU DO THIS TO MELINDA? I SHOULD KICK YOUR ASS FOR THIS!"
"Mac, calm down. It's okay."
"No, Aaron, it's not okay. The fact that she chose you over me, thinking you were a better guy for her than me. Well I'll tell ya--"
"Melinda broke up with me, Mac."
"This is just an outrage and--wait, what?"
"Melinda came over to my place and broke it off with me."
I was silent as I stared blankly. I didn't know what to say.
"Don't look so surprised--ladies, can you give us a minute?"
The two girls left the room.
"Do you know why she broke up with me?"
"How should I know? I thought she was crazy about you."
"She never loved me, Mac. She really loved you. She's always loved you."
"And she said this to you?"
"She just told me she couldn't keep pretending. I assume it meant that she isn't over you."
I was speechless again.
"I'd love to keep talking, but can I please have my rebound three-way now?"
"What? Oh, yeah, sure. I have to go find her."
As I ran out the door, I heard Aaron attempting to run after me saying: "Mac, she's been drinking!" I also heard him fall face-first onto the carpet. It's not exactly easy to run while you're drunk.
I got a call from Ben.
"Mac, Melinda is with me. We have to get her home. She's plastered."
"I'll be right down."
The two of them were waiting right by the stairs.
"Is that Michael? Hi, Michael, remember me?"
I'd never seen her drunk before, and I must say that she was being much nicer than she had been lately.
"We should go."
"Yeah."
"I don't wanna go. I'm a girl and girls just wanna have fun. I just wanna have fun."
She didn't protest at all on the ride back to her house. When we got there, I got out of the car and I helped her to the door.
"Michael, I broke up with Aaron."
"I heard."
"I--There's a reason I--wow, you are hot."
She attempted to take a step forward and fell backward. I caught her.
"And you are so strong. There's a reason I loved you for so many years."
I helped her get into her house. I carried her up the stairs and into her room very quietly.
I layed her down on her bed, and I suddenly felt her lips against mine. I pulled away after a few seconds.
"Stay with me tonight. I love you."
"I can't."
"But I want you!"
"You're drunk."
"I'm not drunk--You're drunk!"
She looked at me with her bright blue eyes.
"Don't you still want me?"
I then looked at her with sympathetic eyes.
"Of course I do."
I tucked her in. She fell asleep immediately.
"That's why I can't be with you tonight."
I kissed her forehead and walked back down the stairs. I got into Ben's car and we headed back to my house.
The next day, everything was back to normal. Well, almost everything.
"Michael, I need to talk to you."
I was working when Maryl came into my dad's office.
"Yes, of course."
We walked to her office and she handed me a peice of paper:
Dear Maryl,
Due to recent events involving my personal life, I have chosen to resign the presidency of TBZ USY. I know that Mac will do a fine job as President. Afterall, he knows more about USY politics than I do.
-Aaron Youngston
"Michael, I can't appoint another co-president. It wouldn't look good."
"What does this mean?"
"It means you are on your own. Don't worry, I have a lot of faith in you."
I was stunned.
"There's an emergency board meeting. You are to announce Aaron's resignation to the board at that time."
A couple hours later, I was standing in front of the entire board of TBZ USY.
"Board members, it is with great shock that I announce to all of you that Aaron Youngston has resigned the Presidency. I will be the only president of TBZ USY."
There was some talking amongst the board members.
"I know it's going to be hard to run a big chapter like our's without two presidents, but I think that if we all work together, this year will still be successful. Our chapter is still as strong as ever, and I am confident that our board will be strong enough to hold it all together. If there are no further questions, we can all be on our way now."
I got up and walked out. I wondered what would happen next and if I could even do this without a co-president. But when I saw the expression on the faces of the board members as they got up from the meeting, I realized that we had a devoted team and that I wouldn't be alone at all.
Sincerely,
Mac-Attack
Thursday, August 13, 2009
Sunday, August 9, 2009
An Engagement Party in the Life of the Mac-Attack
In this life, we all have moments that define us. For instance, President Abraham Lincoln's defining moment was his Gettysburg Address, Barack Obama's defining moment was becoming the first black president, and Michael Moore's defining moment was being booed off the stage at the Academy Awards for voicing his opinions on George W. Bush (if only the First Amendment still existed). I had a defining moment of my own on Wednesday, when I was appointed to be the co-president of TBZ USY. It was a great moment, and I was glad to be chosen. I just knew at that moment that some great times in USY were ahead.
However, writing my speech distracted me from something that had been bothering me. You see, I have a crazy sister named Tara. Tara recently fell in love with a jackass named Mark. Mark proposed to Tara and now they are going to be getting married. Oh, did I forget to mention that Mark is CHEATING on Tara with some slut named Janie? Yes, I heard him on the phone with this whore. His words were: "Just because I'm proposing to Tara tonight doesn't mean you won't be seeing me anymore."
What a fucking bastard. Well, I'm gonna do something about it. Crazy or not, Tara is my sister and I can't watch her enter the union of marriage with this guy.
"I don't think Mark is cheating on Tara."
It was really hard to convince my twin brother Darrin. I guess I wasn't surprised; everyone in my family is up Mark's ass, and Darrin is no exception.
"Darrin, I know what I heard."
"Michael, need I remind you that you have a record for bad judgment. Remember Danika Payne?"
Danika Payne is this bipolar girl I hooked up with at the homecoming game my sophomore year. It wasn't a proud moment when she punched me in the face at the dance the next night.
"Come on, Darrin, I was a sophomore. That's Greek for Wise Fool."
"I don't see where the Wise part of that fits in."
"Listen, Darrin, I know you guys think that Mark is this great guy. It's probably because he spends his money on all of you. It's how he reels people in."
"Are you saying that Mark is cheating on Tara or that he's a con-artist?"
"Now that's an interesting new theory. Maybe he is a con-artist. Maybe he gets engaged with crazy girls for a living!"
"Why would anyone do that for a living?"
"I don't know. It's a crazy world full of crazy people, including our crazy sister who is about to marry someone who she doesn't know anything about! Well, I'm gonna take down this son of a bitch, Darrin."
"Well, can I make a suggestion?"
"Sure."
"Before you go telling everyone about the evil that is Mark, you may want to answer your phone. It's been vibrating constantly for the last minute or so."
Just then, I noticed the sounds of the vibrations coming from my phone. It was my co-president, Aaron Youngston.
"Hello?"
"How ya feelin, Mr. Co-President?"
"Hey, Aaron. How are ya?"
"I am quite well. We need to discuss some USY stuff, president-to-president. Can you meet me for lunch?"
"Yeah. I can do By the Slice around 1."
"Sounds good."
I got to By the Slice right at 1. Aaron was already there.
"President Mac-Attack."
"President--Aaron Youngston."
Aaron doesn't have a cool nickname like mine, therefore I didn't know how else to address him.
"So the first thing we need to talk about is membership."
"Our membership is stronger than ever, Aaron. We have a chapter of 150 people."
"And you're satisfied with that?"
"Well, being that the Jewish community of Phoenix, AZ isn't very big, I'd day we're doing something right."
"Am Yisrael has 200 members."
"They also cover more ground. That place is the zone for Tempe, Mesa, Chandler and Gilbert. While there aren't too many Jews in any of those cities, it all adds up."
"You don't think we could be doing better?"
"Aaron, our chapter is big enough to the point that we need TWO presidents. That's where I come in."
"Yes. Yes it is."
"I think membership should be the LEAST of our concerns. I think the most important thing we need to look at is programming."
"Oh?"
"Yes. We can't be doing the same old stuff that we've always done. You can only go bowling so many times."
"That's always such a popular event."
"Aaron, think about it. People are gonna want something fresh. I mean, we live in Arizona, one of the best states to go hiking in. Piestewa Peak isn't far from TBZ, yet we've never had an event in which we have taken a group up there. I think that could generate a lot of interest."
"Hmm. I'm intrigued. Keep talking."
"Well, in the wintertime, we have Flagstaff. Think of how many people live in Arizona who haven't ever seen snow. We could do a Retreat up there over a weekend. Think of how amazing Shabbat would be up in the mountains."
Aaron appeared as if he was thinking.
"You know, Mac, there's a reason you were appointed to be my co-president."
He raised his glass.
"Here's to fresh ideas."
I raised my glass.
"Here's to a great year in USY."
I'd say lunch was very productive.
I got home around 3 and saw that Mark was there.
"Mike, I've been wondering where you've been."
Have I brought up the fact that he calls me Mike? I hate it when people call me that, especially when NOBODY CALLS ME THAT!!!
"Mark, how are things?"
I was being completely fake with him. I didn't really care how things were with him!
"Things are great. I just settled a 10.5 million dollar case yesterday."
"That's a lot of money."
"Yes, and I get 5% of that money. Looks like your sister and I are gonna have a pretty extravagent wedding."
That's what you think, Mark, but there will be no wedding. Not if I can help it.
"Oh, Michael, you're home."'
My mom entered the room.
"How did the lunch meeting go?"
"It was good. It's going to be a great year in USY."
"Well that's nice. Did Mark tell you about the case he just settled?"
"Yes."
Like I said before, everyone is up this guy's ass.
"Well, I just think it's wonderful. Well, Michael, don't you think it's about time you put on something presentable. We're having a big Shabbat dinner/Engagement party for Tara and Mark."
"Really? Why?"
"Because it's a big deal. We're going to be having a wedding in two months!"
"Two months?"
"We didn't want a long engagement. I'm taking care of everything, it's going to be great."
Two months isn't a long engagement at all. In fact, it's a very short engagement!
"Michael, aren't you just so excited for the par-tay???"
I shoulda known that JT would be excited. It seems that everyone is excited except for me.
"To be honest, I am not in the least bit excited."
"Well, why ever not? I mean, it's an engagement! There's going to be a wedding! It's going to be FAB-U-LOUS!!!"
I really wasn't in the mood to deal with JT's metrosexuality.
"I have to get dressed. And then I have to break the news to the whole engagement party that Mark is a fraud."
"A fraud? Mark? No! It can't be!!!"
Overdramatic much?
"I think he's just super. He even bought me a fedora today! Do you think I can rock the look?"
No.
"Yes, JT, I think a fedora will make the ladies fall head-over-heels for you."
"Ew, why would I want that?"
"What?"
"What?"
"What's all the chatter about?"
"Michael thinks that Mark is a fraud! SAY IT ISN'T SO, DARRIN!"
"Overdramatic much?"
Darrin proceeded to look at me.
"Michael, I think you are wrong about this."
"You'll all see. I know what I heard and that's all the proof I need. This guy is a lawyer, so let's see how he handles being put on the stand."
"Michael--"
"There's no time, Darrin. I'm getting dressed now; I'll see you downstairs in a little bit."
I wasted no time. As soon as I put on my black dress shirt and slacks, I headed downstairs where there were a ton of people. All my parents' friends and also a bunch of people I'd never met before; I assumed them to be Mark's family.
"Ah, everyone, Michael has finally graced us with his presence."
Some people seemed happy, and some people had that facial expression that said: "Ah, the rabbi's son. What's he gonna do with his life? All he does is chase tail."
"Mikey boy, I want you to meet some of my friends."
"Yes, that'd be great, Mark. But first, I think you and I need to have a little talk in the other room."
"Uh, okay. Sure, I can do that."
We went into the living room. I wanted to just completely lay into him, but I felt that there was a better approch.
"You come into my family and expect us all to just bow down to you. Well, Mark, you may have everyone else fooled, but not ME!"
"Oh, I see what this is. You're doing a bit right now. I had no idea you were an actor."
"I'm not acting, Mark. I heard your phone call while we were at the golf course and I know that you aren't who you say you are."
"Mike, I think you have the wrong idea."
"No, Mark. YOU have the wrong idea. You think you can just buy us all off with expensive gifts and country clubs and fedoras. Well you're NOT gonna buy me, Mark!"
"Mike, will you please calm down and listen to me?"
"And another thing: STOP CALLING ME MIKE!!!"
"Uncle Mark, why is there so much yelling?"
A small child who was maybe 6 years old entered the room--Did she just say "Uncle Mark"?
"It's okay, Janie. Michael here was just confused."
Mark looked over at me.
"Michael, this is Janie--my neice."
Neice?
"Nice to meet you, Michael."
Neice?
"Uh, it's a pleasure."
"Janie, why don't you go play with Mommy for a while? I'll be back in a minute."
"Okay, but you owe me a piggy-back ride later!"
"Of course. Now run along."
Neice?
"Michael, I can see you don't have a very high opinion of me."
I felt awful.
"I guess I didn't give you much of a chance."
"Michael, I understand. I have a sister too and I was always very protective of her. But I've become rather close with my brother-in-law. He's really good to my sister, just like I am to your's."
"Looks like I owe you an apology, Mark."
"Eh, don't worry about it. Afterall, we're brothers now, and brothers fight all the time."
I smiled.
"Come on, let's go have Shabbat."
And so we walked back into the dining room. I met some of Mark's lawyer friends, talked to my parents' friends, ate challah and matoball soup and all that other good Shabbat stuff. I spent the rest of that night hanging out with my soon-to-be brother-in-law. Sometimes things are not always what they appear to be, which is a lesson I learned well that night. I hate learning lessons, but none the less, I had a feeling Mark and I would come to be good friends.
I guess this entry has a moral!
Sincerely,
Mac-Attack
However, writing my speech distracted me from something that had been bothering me. You see, I have a crazy sister named Tara. Tara recently fell in love with a jackass named Mark. Mark proposed to Tara and now they are going to be getting married. Oh, did I forget to mention that Mark is CHEATING on Tara with some slut named Janie? Yes, I heard him on the phone with this whore. His words were: "Just because I'm proposing to Tara tonight doesn't mean you won't be seeing me anymore."
What a fucking bastard. Well, I'm gonna do something about it. Crazy or not, Tara is my sister and I can't watch her enter the union of marriage with this guy.
"I don't think Mark is cheating on Tara."
It was really hard to convince my twin brother Darrin. I guess I wasn't surprised; everyone in my family is up Mark's ass, and Darrin is no exception.
"Darrin, I know what I heard."
"Michael, need I remind you that you have a record for bad judgment. Remember Danika Payne?"
Danika Payne is this bipolar girl I hooked up with at the homecoming game my sophomore year. It wasn't a proud moment when she punched me in the face at the dance the next night.
"Come on, Darrin, I was a sophomore. That's Greek for Wise Fool."
"I don't see where the Wise part of that fits in."
"Listen, Darrin, I know you guys think that Mark is this great guy. It's probably because he spends his money on all of you. It's how he reels people in."
"Are you saying that Mark is cheating on Tara or that he's a con-artist?"
"Now that's an interesting new theory. Maybe he is a con-artist. Maybe he gets engaged with crazy girls for a living!"
"Why would anyone do that for a living?"
"I don't know. It's a crazy world full of crazy people, including our crazy sister who is about to marry someone who she doesn't know anything about! Well, I'm gonna take down this son of a bitch, Darrin."
"Well, can I make a suggestion?"
"Sure."
"Before you go telling everyone about the evil that is Mark, you may want to answer your phone. It's been vibrating constantly for the last minute or so."
Just then, I noticed the sounds of the vibrations coming from my phone. It was my co-president, Aaron Youngston.
"Hello?"
"How ya feelin, Mr. Co-President?"
"Hey, Aaron. How are ya?"
"I am quite well. We need to discuss some USY stuff, president-to-president. Can you meet me for lunch?"
"Yeah. I can do By the Slice around 1."
"Sounds good."
I got to By the Slice right at 1. Aaron was already there.
"President Mac-Attack."
"President--Aaron Youngston."
Aaron doesn't have a cool nickname like mine, therefore I didn't know how else to address him.
"So the first thing we need to talk about is membership."
"Our membership is stronger than ever, Aaron. We have a chapter of 150 people."
"And you're satisfied with that?"
"Well, being that the Jewish community of Phoenix, AZ isn't very big, I'd day we're doing something right."
"Am Yisrael has 200 members."
"They also cover more ground. That place is the zone for Tempe, Mesa, Chandler and Gilbert. While there aren't too many Jews in any of those cities, it all adds up."
"You don't think we could be doing better?"
"Aaron, our chapter is big enough to the point that we need TWO presidents. That's where I come in."
"Yes. Yes it is."
"I think membership should be the LEAST of our concerns. I think the most important thing we need to look at is programming."
"Oh?"
"Yes. We can't be doing the same old stuff that we've always done. You can only go bowling so many times."
"That's always such a popular event."
"Aaron, think about it. People are gonna want something fresh. I mean, we live in Arizona, one of the best states to go hiking in. Piestewa Peak isn't far from TBZ, yet we've never had an event in which we have taken a group up there. I think that could generate a lot of interest."
"Hmm. I'm intrigued. Keep talking."
"Well, in the wintertime, we have Flagstaff. Think of how many people live in Arizona who haven't ever seen snow. We could do a Retreat up there over a weekend. Think of how amazing Shabbat would be up in the mountains."
Aaron appeared as if he was thinking.
"You know, Mac, there's a reason you were appointed to be my co-president."
He raised his glass.
"Here's to fresh ideas."
I raised my glass.
"Here's to a great year in USY."
I'd say lunch was very productive.
I got home around 3 and saw that Mark was there.
"Mike, I've been wondering where you've been."
Have I brought up the fact that he calls me Mike? I hate it when people call me that, especially when NOBODY CALLS ME THAT!!!
"Mark, how are things?"
I was being completely fake with him. I didn't really care how things were with him!
"Things are great. I just settled a 10.5 million dollar case yesterday."
"That's a lot of money."
"Yes, and I get 5% of that money. Looks like your sister and I are gonna have a pretty extravagent wedding."
That's what you think, Mark, but there will be no wedding. Not if I can help it.
"Oh, Michael, you're home."'
My mom entered the room.
"How did the lunch meeting go?"
"It was good. It's going to be a great year in USY."
"Well that's nice. Did Mark tell you about the case he just settled?"
"Yes."
Like I said before, everyone is up this guy's ass.
"Well, I just think it's wonderful. Well, Michael, don't you think it's about time you put on something presentable. We're having a big Shabbat dinner/Engagement party for Tara and Mark."
"Really? Why?"
"Because it's a big deal. We're going to be having a wedding in two months!"
"Two months?"
"We didn't want a long engagement. I'm taking care of everything, it's going to be great."
Two months isn't a long engagement at all. In fact, it's a very short engagement!
"Michael, aren't you just so excited for the par-tay???"
I shoulda known that JT would be excited. It seems that everyone is excited except for me.
"To be honest, I am not in the least bit excited."
"Well, why ever not? I mean, it's an engagement! There's going to be a wedding! It's going to be FAB-U-LOUS!!!"
I really wasn't in the mood to deal with JT's metrosexuality.
"I have to get dressed. And then I have to break the news to the whole engagement party that Mark is a fraud."
"A fraud? Mark? No! It can't be!!!"
Overdramatic much?
"I think he's just super. He even bought me a fedora today! Do you think I can rock the look?"
No.
"Yes, JT, I think a fedora will make the ladies fall head-over-heels for you."
"Ew, why would I want that?"
"What?"
"What?"
"What's all the chatter about?"
"Michael thinks that Mark is a fraud! SAY IT ISN'T SO, DARRIN!"
"Overdramatic much?"
Darrin proceeded to look at me.
"Michael, I think you are wrong about this."
"You'll all see. I know what I heard and that's all the proof I need. This guy is a lawyer, so let's see how he handles being put on the stand."
"Michael--"
"There's no time, Darrin. I'm getting dressed now; I'll see you downstairs in a little bit."
I wasted no time. As soon as I put on my black dress shirt and slacks, I headed downstairs where there were a ton of people. All my parents' friends and also a bunch of people I'd never met before; I assumed them to be Mark's family.
"Ah, everyone, Michael has finally graced us with his presence."
Some people seemed happy, and some people had that facial expression that said: "Ah, the rabbi's son. What's he gonna do with his life? All he does is chase tail."
"Mikey boy, I want you to meet some of my friends."
"Yes, that'd be great, Mark. But first, I think you and I need to have a little talk in the other room."
"Uh, okay. Sure, I can do that."
We went into the living room. I wanted to just completely lay into him, but I felt that there was a better approch.
"You come into my family and expect us all to just bow down to you. Well, Mark, you may have everyone else fooled, but not ME!"
"Oh, I see what this is. You're doing a bit right now. I had no idea you were an actor."
"I'm not acting, Mark. I heard your phone call while we were at the golf course and I know that you aren't who you say you are."
"Mike, I think you have the wrong idea."
"No, Mark. YOU have the wrong idea. You think you can just buy us all off with expensive gifts and country clubs and fedoras. Well you're NOT gonna buy me, Mark!"
"Mike, will you please calm down and listen to me?"
"And another thing: STOP CALLING ME MIKE!!!"
"Uncle Mark, why is there so much yelling?"
A small child who was maybe 6 years old entered the room--Did she just say "Uncle Mark"?
"It's okay, Janie. Michael here was just confused."
Mark looked over at me.
"Michael, this is Janie--my neice."
Neice?
"Nice to meet you, Michael."
Neice?
"Uh, it's a pleasure."
"Janie, why don't you go play with Mommy for a while? I'll be back in a minute."
"Okay, but you owe me a piggy-back ride later!"
"Of course. Now run along."
Neice?
"Michael, I can see you don't have a very high opinion of me."
I felt awful.
"I guess I didn't give you much of a chance."
"Michael, I understand. I have a sister too and I was always very protective of her. But I've become rather close with my brother-in-law. He's really good to my sister, just like I am to your's."
"Looks like I owe you an apology, Mark."
"Eh, don't worry about it. Afterall, we're brothers now, and brothers fight all the time."
I smiled.
"Come on, let's go have Shabbat."
And so we walked back into the dining room. I met some of Mark's lawyer friends, talked to my parents' friends, ate challah and matoball soup and all that other good Shabbat stuff. I spent the rest of that night hanging out with my soon-to-be brother-in-law. Sometimes things are not always what they appear to be, which is a lesson I learned well that night. I hate learning lessons, but none the less, I had a feeling Mark and I would come to be good friends.
I guess this entry has a moral!
Sincerely,
Mac-Attack
Thursday, August 6, 2009
A Presidential Decision in the Life of the Mac-Attack
"I'M ENGAGED! I'M ENGAGED!"
Tara was obviously very excited as she entered the house this morning.
"Mark proposed! He got down on one knee! Did I mention that I'm engaged???"
"About a hundred thousand times."
"Aren't you happy for me, Michael? I mean, I'm--"
"Engaged. I heard."
I knew she would be engaged when she came home. I remember Mark, her boyfriend (now fiancee) telling me about it after our game of golf yesterday.
"So just be happy for me."
I would be happy for her, most likely, if I hadn't overheard a phone conversation as I was leaving the locker room. I remember what he said:
"Women love a big spender."
No, not that. I was talking about what he was saying over the phone:
"Come on, Janie, just because I'm proposing to Tara tonight doesn't mean you won't be seeing me anymore. You'll always be my number one girl."
This quote from his phone conversation was exactly the proof I needed to take down this son-of-a-bitch and make sure he didn't marry my sister.
"Tara, I could be happy for you--but there's something you need to know."
I needed to tell her the truth about this asshole. Marrying him would be the worst mistake of her life.
"What is it, Michael?"
Come on, Mac-Attack, just say it.
"It's about Mark."
Okay, you've got this, Mac. Just tell her.
"Okay, Michael, just say it."
I couldn't seem to get the words out of my mouth.
"Michael?"
Well, at least say SOMETHING. This silence is gonna creep her out.
"Uh, Mark's shorts did NOT match his shoes yesterday. Not even in the slightest bit."
"I completely agree with you! And those plaid shorts have GOT-TO-GO!"
I shoulda known that my very feminine brother JT was right behind me. He always has a way of making things even more awkward.
"Other than that, though, Mark's a doll! You two are gonna have such a happy life."
And then came the tears.
"I'm just--SO HAPPY FOR YOU!!!"
He proceeded to cry in Tara's arms. I guess it should be no surprise that JT gets just as excited about weddings as schoolgirls get when they see Hugh Jackman shirtless.
"Um, Michael, was that all you had to say?"
No.
"Yes. That's all."
I walked away in shame. I needed to find a way to tell Tara about how bad this guy was for her. She may be a little crazy, but she is my sister. I can't see her get hurt.
I decided to talk to Ben about it. I figured he would have some words of wisdom.
"You told her you didn't like his style?"
"I didn't know how to tell her."
"Clearly. Listen, Mac, it's not really my business, but maybe you just need to tell her straightforward."
"It's not as easy as it sounds, Ben. She really loves this guy."
"Well, she's been in love before. How did she leave all the other guys?"
"She didn't. They left HER."
"Ouch."
"Yeah, I've been dealing with her break-ups since I was 2 years old and Bobby Newman stood her up at her Freshman homecoming dance."
"Are you boys ready to order?"
Oh yeah, we were at By the Slice having this conversation. I needed food in my system to have a discussion like this.
"Yeah, we'll get a 16 inch with extra cheese."
"Coming right up, Mac-Attack."
The waitress walked away with our order.
"Do you ever think we spend way too much time here?"
"No, the thought hadn't crossed my mind."
"Anyways, I think you just need to tell her straight-up that this guy is not who she thinks he is."
"Yeah, you're right. When should I do it?"
"Preferably after our board meeting next week."
Our youth director, Maryl, had mentioned to me that they would be appointing a co-president to work under Aaron Youngston, a fellow USYer/the holder of the key to Melinda's heart. As you all know, Melinda is this girl that I'm in love with. It's caused all kinds of drama and now she doesn't even want to be friends anymore. It's really frustrating since her and I were best friends since we were in preschool.
Back on subject, Maryl has strongly encouraged me to be in attendance at this meeting. I guess she thinks I'm qualified to be the co-president. I suppose I am, but it could be very awkward working with Aaron.
"I don't know if I'm gonna go to that, Ben."
"Why not, Mac? We need you on our board. No one knows USY like you do."
"And why can't Aaron just man up and do the job he was elected to do?"
"Because he can't do it alone. Our chapter is growing and it's gonna take three people to run this board. I'm the Vice President. I'd really like for you to consider taking the Co-President position."
"Ben, even if I do go to the meeting next Wednesday, the vote needs to be unanimous."
"And if it isn't, Maryl will be making the final decision. Mac, your chances are pretty good. In fact, I guarantee that this whole board meeting thing is just protocol. Everyone knows that you are the best man for the job. You should've been president in the first place but you decided to run away instead."
"Yeah, you were with me in California for how long? You didn't mention this to me once."
"I guess it slipped my mind."
"Here's your pizza."
That calmed us down a bit.
"Listen, Mac, I'm only gonna ask you once: Will you be at that board meeting?"
I thought for a minute. Of course I wanted to be there. I wanted this USY Presidency just as much as Sarah Palin wanted to be the next Vice President of the United States. The only difference was that I couldn't see Russia from my house.
I thought about the great Presidents of our country. George Washington, Abe Lincoln, FDR, JFK, and Bill Clinton. What would've happened if they had said "No"? It was my duty to say "Yes". For Ben, for USY, and for America!
"I'll do it!"
(Insert a Marching Band playing The Stars and Stripes Forever as I stand on top of a mountain with a big American Flag behind me)
"Mac?"
(Insert the sound of a record player coming to a sudden halt, followed by me snapping back to reality)
"Oh, uh, sorry."
And so, I went home and started working on my speech. I knew I'd have to say some really good things. I had Ben and Maryl on my side, but I needed to pursuade Aaron to support me. I had no idea what the other candidates would have to say. I needed to make sure I was better than them.
"USY is great. I love being in USY. USY has changed my life for the better."
I could hear crickets after David Kahn gave his speech. I soon saw a unanimous thumbs-down by both Aaron and Ben.
Our entire new board as well as what was probably half of our chapter was there in the sanctuary of Temple Beth Zion. Ben and Aaron were sitting at a table on the bima. Maryl was sitting there as well. Two other candidates were before me, both juniors. One was Derek Meyer and the other was Sally Freedman.
"Mac?"
I turned around and saw that my ex-girlfriend Dara Karpen was standing right there.
"Hi, Dara."
I had only spoken to her once since the break-up. It was a little awkward.
"So, you're hoping to be the president?"
"Co-President, yeah."
"Well, you'd have my vote."
Our conversation was cut short when we heard Maryl's voice say: "Our next candidate is Derek Meyer. Let's give him a hand."
Everyone clapped for him. Meyer was a short kid, very skinny. I didn't know him too well, but I suppose he was a nice kid.
"Hello, fellow USYers. I come before you on this day as a candidate for the Co-Presidency of Temple Beth Zion USY."
Dara whispered in my ear: "He probably took the opening from his bar-mitzvah speech and changed it to address USY."
I held back a laugh. Afterall, Al Gore never laughed about George W. Bush's speeches.
"You're gonna get me in trouble, Dara."
"Come on, Mac, we all know you are the most qualified guy for this job."
"Still, they might get mad that I'm talking during another candidate's speech."
"They're just waiting for you to give your's."
I didn't exactly know if that was the case, but it still got me to smile.
"I know that there are other qualified candidates, but I feel that I have something special to offer this chapter. Thank you, Maryl. Thank you, Aaron and Ben. Thank you, TBZ USY."
There was polite applause. Ben seemed to be happy that the speech was over, but Aaron looked intrigued by what Meyer might have to offer. This worried me a little bit.
"I talked to Ben earlier. You have his endorsement, and I'm gonna have to assume that you have Maryl's endorsement. Afterall, she's Melinda's mom."
"That doesn't have much do do with it anymore, Dara. Melinda and I are no longer on speaking terms."
"What? When did this happen?"
"Right after I got back from California. It's a long story and I don't want to talk about it."
Dara looked at me in disbelief.
"Thank you, Derek, for that very moving speech. Our next candidate is Sally Freedman. Let's make some noise for Sally!"
There was some applause when the freakishly tall and somewhat nerdy Sally Freedman came to the bima.
"Hello. I'm Sally Freedman and I would like to be your 2009-2010 Co-President of TBZ USY. I've made a pros and cons list to determine why I'd be a good leader."
Ben and Aaron were trying to keep straight faces, but I could tell it was hard for them.
"I'm going to start with the cons. Con #1: I'm only a junior. Con #2: I don't have any prior board experience--"
Dara leaned over and whispered to me again: "Con #3: I don't brush my teeth every night."
Once again, I tried not to laugh.
As I heard Sally Freedman shift to the pros of why she'd make a good president, I thought about my surroundings. I think that having Dara next to me really calmed my nerves. Maybe her and I were both finally past all the drama surrounding our break-up. I had certainly moved on, she had moved on, and now we could be friends. I remembered all the times we made each other laugh in the six weeks that we were together. It was nice to be able to laugh together in a strictly plutonic way.
"To conclude my pros and cons list, I would like to say that I have a lot of great ideas and I love to take charge. It would make me very happy if you chose me, Sally Freedman, as your 2009-2010 Co-President."
There wasn't a whole lot of applause, but some people clapped to be polite.
"Thank you, Sally. Maybe we should all make pros and cons lists."
It was quiet.
"It's time for you to go up, Mac."
Dara grabbed me and kissed me for a second.
"Our final candidate of the evening is Michael Maccabbi. Give him a round of applause."
There was a loud applause as I looked at Dara.
"Good luck."
"Um, thanks."
I wondered if anyone else had seen that. I hoped not, because the last thing I needed were some rumors flying around saying that I had gotten back together with Dara. I didn't want to be back with Dara--did I?
"Hey, guys."
There was more applause. I always seem to forget how popular I am in USY.
"I joined TBZ USY when I was just a little Kadimanick. I fell in love with this chapter and with USY the first time I went to an event."
It was crazy. Dara and I back together. That just couldn't happen. Maybe the kiss was just to relax me. If it was, it didn't work. I'm a little worked up now. Hopefully it won't show in my speech.
"Is it hot in here?"
Come on, Mac. Wipe your face and keep going.
"Um, I have gotten very heavily involved in the, uh, regional events and such."
Not the "uhs" and "ums".
"I'm sorry, but could I just get a glass of water real fast?"
Ben ran and grabbed me some water. As I drank the water, I looked my audience in the eyes. I knew that this night was not about getting Dara back or even contemplating the possibility. It was about taking the co-presidency of Temple Beth Zion USY. I was there to show that I was the best candidate, and damnit I was gonna do what I came there to do!
"Temple Beth Zion USY needs a leader. I believe that Aaron and Ben are fully capable of being leaders, however, it is apparent that they need a third man. Afterall, most good things come in threes: The Three Stooges, The Three Little Pigs, The Three Wisemen--"
I think you can stop mentioning things that come in threes now.
"I believe that I can work well with Aaron, Ben, Maryl and our board of extremely devoted USYers. We are a team, and I'd like to be drafted to play for this team. Thank you."
There was a loud roar of applause. Dara was cheering the loudest, but I also noticed a face in the front row that was smiling, and that was the face of Melinda Moskowitz.
"Thank you, Michael. Ben, Aaron and I will be discussing the candidates and making our final decision."
Maryl, Ben and Aaron left the room.
"Your speech was amazing."
"Thanks--What was that right before my speech?"
"What was what?"
"The kiss."
"Oh, yeah, that. Well, I guess you needed a little extra motivation."
"What's the motivation?"
"There's some major USY points if you hook up with a President. I figured it might be nice to get in on the action."
We laughed a little bit.
"So you and Ray are--"
"Finished. He was holding me back and I really just don't want anything serious. I'm a senior in high school. I'm supposed to have fun."
"Yeah, what's the point in being tied down?"
"I know, really."
There was an awkward pause.
"I miss you, Mac."
"I miss you too, Dara."
"I mean that I miss you-miss you. I miss the way you used to kiss me, hold me, cuddle with me, everything. I miss our phone-calls that would last for hours and I miss hanging out with you every weekend."
"Wow, Dara. I don't know what to say."
"Say you'll give us another chance."
I thought about it for a minute, and I was about to respond when Maryl, Aaron and Ben went back onto the bima.
"Candidates, all of you gave fine speeches. We took each and every one of you into consideration and we have made our decision."
I began sweating again. I had never been so nervous in my life.
"I am proud to announce the 2009-2010 Co-President of Temple Beth Zion USY: Michael Maccabbi!"
"YES!"
I ran onto the bima and gave Ben a huge championship-like hug. I also hugged Maryl and I even hugged Aaron. The noise was loud as I heard the chantings of "Mac-Attack, Mac-Attack, Mac-Attack..."
It was just about the sweetest feeling I had ever had. I thought about the great victories in American History: becoming an independant nation, winning against the Confederates in the Civil War, the Red Sox winning the World Series for the first time since 1918. To me, none of them could compare to how I felt when Maryl called my name.
I acknowledged the crowd and was getting them on their feet. Suddenly, I saw someone leaving the sanctuary. It was Melinda, and I needed to talk to her. I wondered if she had seen my kiss with Dara. I hoped not.
I ran off the bima to try to catch Melinda's attention, but it was too late, and there were so many USYers wanting to shake my hand and hug me and everything similar to it. Melinda was gone before I could catch up to her. However, Dara wasn't gone, and I felt I needed to answer her question.
"Congratulations! I'm so proud of you!"
She leaned in to kiss me again, but this time I turned away.
"I can't, Dara. I'm sorry, but I just can't."
"I understand. I guess I'll just have to get over you on my own time. We can still be friends though, right?"
"Of course we can."
We hugged.
"I'll see you later."
Just then, Ben approached me and gave me another monster of a hug.
"Dude, didn't I tell ya? Let's get a group over to By the Slice. We'll celebrate your victory."
"Yeah. Uh, sounds great."
So we headed over to By the Slice and celebrated with a ton of people. Aaron was there, Dara was there, even the candidates that I had beaten were there. Ben, obviously, was there.
It seemed that everyone in the world was there, except for Melinda. The one person who I'd wished would be there wasn't there.
Sincerely,
Mac-Attack
Tara was obviously very excited as she entered the house this morning.
"Mark proposed! He got down on one knee! Did I mention that I'm engaged???"
"About a hundred thousand times."
"Aren't you happy for me, Michael? I mean, I'm--"
"Engaged. I heard."
I knew she would be engaged when she came home. I remember Mark, her boyfriend (now fiancee) telling me about it after our game of golf yesterday.
"So just be happy for me."
I would be happy for her, most likely, if I hadn't overheard a phone conversation as I was leaving the locker room. I remember what he said:
"Women love a big spender."
No, not that. I was talking about what he was saying over the phone:
"Come on, Janie, just because I'm proposing to Tara tonight doesn't mean you won't be seeing me anymore. You'll always be my number one girl."
This quote from his phone conversation was exactly the proof I needed to take down this son-of-a-bitch and make sure he didn't marry my sister.
"Tara, I could be happy for you--but there's something you need to know."
I needed to tell her the truth about this asshole. Marrying him would be the worst mistake of her life.
"What is it, Michael?"
Come on, Mac-Attack, just say it.
"It's about Mark."
Okay, you've got this, Mac. Just tell her.
"Okay, Michael, just say it."
I couldn't seem to get the words out of my mouth.
"Michael?"
Well, at least say SOMETHING. This silence is gonna creep her out.
"Uh, Mark's shorts did NOT match his shoes yesterday. Not even in the slightest bit."
"I completely agree with you! And those plaid shorts have GOT-TO-GO!"
I shoulda known that my very feminine brother JT was right behind me. He always has a way of making things even more awkward.
"Other than that, though, Mark's a doll! You two are gonna have such a happy life."
And then came the tears.
"I'm just--SO HAPPY FOR YOU!!!"
He proceeded to cry in Tara's arms. I guess it should be no surprise that JT gets just as excited about weddings as schoolgirls get when they see Hugh Jackman shirtless.
"Um, Michael, was that all you had to say?"
No.
"Yes. That's all."
I walked away in shame. I needed to find a way to tell Tara about how bad this guy was for her. She may be a little crazy, but she is my sister. I can't see her get hurt.
I decided to talk to Ben about it. I figured he would have some words of wisdom.
"You told her you didn't like his style?"
"I didn't know how to tell her."
"Clearly. Listen, Mac, it's not really my business, but maybe you just need to tell her straightforward."
"It's not as easy as it sounds, Ben. She really loves this guy."
"Well, she's been in love before. How did she leave all the other guys?"
"She didn't. They left HER."
"Ouch."
"Yeah, I've been dealing with her break-ups since I was 2 years old and Bobby Newman stood her up at her Freshman homecoming dance."
"Are you boys ready to order?"
Oh yeah, we were at By the Slice having this conversation. I needed food in my system to have a discussion like this.
"Yeah, we'll get a 16 inch with extra cheese."
"Coming right up, Mac-Attack."
The waitress walked away with our order.
"Do you ever think we spend way too much time here?"
"No, the thought hadn't crossed my mind."
"Anyways, I think you just need to tell her straight-up that this guy is not who she thinks he is."
"Yeah, you're right. When should I do it?"
"Preferably after our board meeting next week."
Our youth director, Maryl, had mentioned to me that they would be appointing a co-president to work under Aaron Youngston, a fellow USYer/the holder of the key to Melinda's heart. As you all know, Melinda is this girl that I'm in love with. It's caused all kinds of drama and now she doesn't even want to be friends anymore. It's really frustrating since her and I were best friends since we were in preschool.
Back on subject, Maryl has strongly encouraged me to be in attendance at this meeting. I guess she thinks I'm qualified to be the co-president. I suppose I am, but it could be very awkward working with Aaron.
"I don't know if I'm gonna go to that, Ben."
"Why not, Mac? We need you on our board. No one knows USY like you do."
"And why can't Aaron just man up and do the job he was elected to do?"
"Because he can't do it alone. Our chapter is growing and it's gonna take three people to run this board. I'm the Vice President. I'd really like for you to consider taking the Co-President position."
"Ben, even if I do go to the meeting next Wednesday, the vote needs to be unanimous."
"And if it isn't, Maryl will be making the final decision. Mac, your chances are pretty good. In fact, I guarantee that this whole board meeting thing is just protocol. Everyone knows that you are the best man for the job. You should've been president in the first place but you decided to run away instead."
"Yeah, you were with me in California for how long? You didn't mention this to me once."
"I guess it slipped my mind."
"Here's your pizza."
That calmed us down a bit.
"Listen, Mac, I'm only gonna ask you once: Will you be at that board meeting?"
I thought for a minute. Of course I wanted to be there. I wanted this USY Presidency just as much as Sarah Palin wanted to be the next Vice President of the United States. The only difference was that I couldn't see Russia from my house.
I thought about the great Presidents of our country. George Washington, Abe Lincoln, FDR, JFK, and Bill Clinton. What would've happened if they had said "No"? It was my duty to say "Yes". For Ben, for USY, and for America!
"I'll do it!"
(Insert a Marching Band playing The Stars and Stripes Forever as I stand on top of a mountain with a big American Flag behind me)
"Mac?"
(Insert the sound of a record player coming to a sudden halt, followed by me snapping back to reality)
"Oh, uh, sorry."
And so, I went home and started working on my speech. I knew I'd have to say some really good things. I had Ben and Maryl on my side, but I needed to pursuade Aaron to support me. I had no idea what the other candidates would have to say. I needed to make sure I was better than them.
"USY is great. I love being in USY. USY has changed my life for the better."
I could hear crickets after David Kahn gave his speech. I soon saw a unanimous thumbs-down by both Aaron and Ben.
Our entire new board as well as what was probably half of our chapter was there in the sanctuary of Temple Beth Zion. Ben and Aaron were sitting at a table on the bima. Maryl was sitting there as well. Two other candidates were before me, both juniors. One was Derek Meyer and the other was Sally Freedman.
"Mac?"
I turned around and saw that my ex-girlfriend Dara Karpen was standing right there.
"Hi, Dara."
I had only spoken to her once since the break-up. It was a little awkward.
"So, you're hoping to be the president?"
"Co-President, yeah."
"Well, you'd have my vote."
Our conversation was cut short when we heard Maryl's voice say: "Our next candidate is Derek Meyer. Let's give him a hand."
Everyone clapped for him. Meyer was a short kid, very skinny. I didn't know him too well, but I suppose he was a nice kid.
"Hello, fellow USYers. I come before you on this day as a candidate for the Co-Presidency of Temple Beth Zion USY."
Dara whispered in my ear: "He probably took the opening from his bar-mitzvah speech and changed it to address USY."
I held back a laugh. Afterall, Al Gore never laughed about George W. Bush's speeches.
"You're gonna get me in trouble, Dara."
"Come on, Mac, we all know you are the most qualified guy for this job."
"Still, they might get mad that I'm talking during another candidate's speech."
"They're just waiting for you to give your's."
I didn't exactly know if that was the case, but it still got me to smile.
"I know that there are other qualified candidates, but I feel that I have something special to offer this chapter. Thank you, Maryl. Thank you, Aaron and Ben. Thank you, TBZ USY."
There was polite applause. Ben seemed to be happy that the speech was over, but Aaron looked intrigued by what Meyer might have to offer. This worried me a little bit.
"I talked to Ben earlier. You have his endorsement, and I'm gonna have to assume that you have Maryl's endorsement. Afterall, she's Melinda's mom."
"That doesn't have much do do with it anymore, Dara. Melinda and I are no longer on speaking terms."
"What? When did this happen?"
"Right after I got back from California. It's a long story and I don't want to talk about it."
Dara looked at me in disbelief.
"Thank you, Derek, for that very moving speech. Our next candidate is Sally Freedman. Let's make some noise for Sally!"
There was some applause when the freakishly tall and somewhat nerdy Sally Freedman came to the bima.
"Hello. I'm Sally Freedman and I would like to be your 2009-2010 Co-President of TBZ USY. I've made a pros and cons list to determine why I'd be a good leader."
Ben and Aaron were trying to keep straight faces, but I could tell it was hard for them.
"I'm going to start with the cons. Con #1: I'm only a junior. Con #2: I don't have any prior board experience--"
Dara leaned over and whispered to me again: "Con #3: I don't brush my teeth every night."
Once again, I tried not to laugh.
As I heard Sally Freedman shift to the pros of why she'd make a good president, I thought about my surroundings. I think that having Dara next to me really calmed my nerves. Maybe her and I were both finally past all the drama surrounding our break-up. I had certainly moved on, she had moved on, and now we could be friends. I remembered all the times we made each other laugh in the six weeks that we were together. It was nice to be able to laugh together in a strictly plutonic way.
"To conclude my pros and cons list, I would like to say that I have a lot of great ideas and I love to take charge. It would make me very happy if you chose me, Sally Freedman, as your 2009-2010 Co-President."
There wasn't a whole lot of applause, but some people clapped to be polite.
"Thank you, Sally. Maybe we should all make pros and cons lists."
It was quiet.
"It's time for you to go up, Mac."
Dara grabbed me and kissed me for a second.
"Our final candidate of the evening is Michael Maccabbi. Give him a round of applause."
There was a loud applause as I looked at Dara.
"Good luck."
"Um, thanks."
I wondered if anyone else had seen that. I hoped not, because the last thing I needed were some rumors flying around saying that I had gotten back together with Dara. I didn't want to be back with Dara--did I?
"Hey, guys."
There was more applause. I always seem to forget how popular I am in USY.
"I joined TBZ USY when I was just a little Kadimanick. I fell in love with this chapter and with USY the first time I went to an event."
It was crazy. Dara and I back together. That just couldn't happen. Maybe the kiss was just to relax me. If it was, it didn't work. I'm a little worked up now. Hopefully it won't show in my speech.
"Is it hot in here?"
Come on, Mac. Wipe your face and keep going.
"Um, I have gotten very heavily involved in the, uh, regional events and such."
Not the "uhs" and "ums".
"I'm sorry, but could I just get a glass of water real fast?"
Ben ran and grabbed me some water. As I drank the water, I looked my audience in the eyes. I knew that this night was not about getting Dara back or even contemplating the possibility. It was about taking the co-presidency of Temple Beth Zion USY. I was there to show that I was the best candidate, and damnit I was gonna do what I came there to do!
"Temple Beth Zion USY needs a leader. I believe that Aaron and Ben are fully capable of being leaders, however, it is apparent that they need a third man. Afterall, most good things come in threes: The Three Stooges, The Three Little Pigs, The Three Wisemen--"
I think you can stop mentioning things that come in threes now.
"I believe that I can work well with Aaron, Ben, Maryl and our board of extremely devoted USYers. We are a team, and I'd like to be drafted to play for this team. Thank you."
There was a loud roar of applause. Dara was cheering the loudest, but I also noticed a face in the front row that was smiling, and that was the face of Melinda Moskowitz.
"Thank you, Michael. Ben, Aaron and I will be discussing the candidates and making our final decision."
Maryl, Ben and Aaron left the room.
"Your speech was amazing."
"Thanks--What was that right before my speech?"
"What was what?"
"The kiss."
"Oh, yeah, that. Well, I guess you needed a little extra motivation."
"What's the motivation?"
"There's some major USY points if you hook up with a President. I figured it might be nice to get in on the action."
We laughed a little bit.
"So you and Ray are--"
"Finished. He was holding me back and I really just don't want anything serious. I'm a senior in high school. I'm supposed to have fun."
"Yeah, what's the point in being tied down?"
"I know, really."
There was an awkward pause.
"I miss you, Mac."
"I miss you too, Dara."
"I mean that I miss you-miss you. I miss the way you used to kiss me, hold me, cuddle with me, everything. I miss our phone-calls that would last for hours and I miss hanging out with you every weekend."
"Wow, Dara. I don't know what to say."
"Say you'll give us another chance."
I thought about it for a minute, and I was about to respond when Maryl, Aaron and Ben went back onto the bima.
"Candidates, all of you gave fine speeches. We took each and every one of you into consideration and we have made our decision."
I began sweating again. I had never been so nervous in my life.
"I am proud to announce the 2009-2010 Co-President of Temple Beth Zion USY: Michael Maccabbi!"
"YES!"
I ran onto the bima and gave Ben a huge championship-like hug. I also hugged Maryl and I even hugged Aaron. The noise was loud as I heard the chantings of "Mac-Attack, Mac-Attack, Mac-Attack..."
It was just about the sweetest feeling I had ever had. I thought about the great victories in American History: becoming an independant nation, winning against the Confederates in the Civil War, the Red Sox winning the World Series for the first time since 1918. To me, none of them could compare to how I felt when Maryl called my name.
I acknowledged the crowd and was getting them on their feet. Suddenly, I saw someone leaving the sanctuary. It was Melinda, and I needed to talk to her. I wondered if she had seen my kiss with Dara. I hoped not.
I ran off the bima to try to catch Melinda's attention, but it was too late, and there were so many USYers wanting to shake my hand and hug me and everything similar to it. Melinda was gone before I could catch up to her. However, Dara wasn't gone, and I felt I needed to answer her question.
"Congratulations! I'm so proud of you!"
She leaned in to kiss me again, but this time I turned away.
"I can't, Dara. I'm sorry, but I just can't."
"I understand. I guess I'll just have to get over you on my own time. We can still be friends though, right?"
"Of course we can."
We hugged.
"I'll see you later."
Just then, Ben approached me and gave me another monster of a hug.
"Dude, didn't I tell ya? Let's get a group over to By the Slice. We'll celebrate your victory."
"Yeah. Uh, sounds great."
So we headed over to By the Slice and celebrated with a ton of people. Aaron was there, Dara was there, even the candidates that I had beaten were there. Ben, obviously, was there.
It seemed that everyone in the world was there, except for Melinda. The one person who I'd wished would be there wasn't there.
Sincerely,
Mac-Attack
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
The Sister's Boyfriend in the Life of the Mac-Attack
"Michael!"
I was just getting done with a phone call with a congregant when my father entered the office. I was at my job, by the way. The one where I answer phones in the synagogue office.
"What did I do now?"
My dad usually doesn't sound excited when he says my name, so I was a little off-guard when he did it this time.
"Do you know what today is?"
"Mrs. Lipschitz has a Yahurtzeit for mother-in-law."
"I'm being serious."
"Seriously, she does. I was just on the phone with her."
"Michael, remember last week when Mark called?"
Mark is my sister Tara's boyfriend, aka the 2009 Peoples' Choice Award for Biggest Tool.
"I guess he may have called. What's it about?"
"We're playing golf with him this afternoon. The two of us and your brother."
"Darrin or JT? JT isn't much of a golfer--he'd be a great beverage cart girl though!"
"Darrin, of course. And don't talk about your younger brother that way. He has enough problems."
"I don't think being in the closet is a big problem, Dad. He'll have bigger problems when he finally comes out."
"I'm not discussing this anymore!"
"The golf or JT's sexuality?"
"The latter!"
It was then that we realized that the door was open and that all of the other happy workers at Temple Beth Zion could hear our conversation. This included our youth director, Maryl Moskowitz.
"Michael, I've been meaning to talk to you."
"Oh, Maryl, is this about the conversation we were just having? We were role-playing, really."
"No, Al, it's actually about USY. Can I steal your son for a bit?
"I don't see why not. I have work to do on this week's sermon before we head to the golf course."
I walked over to Maryl's office with her. It wasn't a big office, but there were lots of pictures of all things USY. There was even a picture of me with Ben and Melinda. You know Melinda, the girl who was my best friend until I fell in love with her.
"We haven't seen you at the house lately. Melinda told me you were in California for a while."
Did I forget to mention that Maryl is Melinda's mother?
"Yeah, I was there for a while. It was a good trip."
"I'm glad you had a good time."
I wondered if Maryl knew about the drama between myself and her daughter.
"Well, Melinda told me that Brian Berg held a party for you, but that she didn't see you much at the party."
I guess Maryl didn't know. It might be a good idea to keep it that way.
"Um, yeah. Ben and I split pretty early. It was boring, really."
"Hmm. Very strange, Melinda usually loves his parties. In fact, she told me all sorts of things about his beginning of Summer party. Her and Aaron made themselves official there, you know."
Aaron was also a good friend of mine, but then he fucked Melinda at Convention and the rest is history. I could say a lot of things about that situation, but keeping in mind that I was talking to Melinda's own mother, I just decided to say: "Yeah. That's what I heard."
"You certainly did miss a lot while you were gone, Michael."
"That's what Ben told me when he eventually came out to California."
"Yes, he waited until after our Board elections to leave town, which is something you should have considered doing."
Crap. I didn't think about the fact that I would be missing our board elections. I was going to be running for President of TBZ USY. I guess that didn't end up happening.
"Aaron got the position as President, Benjamin took Vice President, and the rest of the positions were filled by sophomores."
"Well, Ben didn't tell me about that when we were in Cali."
"Michael, Aaron is a devoted USYer, no doubt. He's also very good to Melinda. However, he can't do this alone. We're appointing a co-president and I would strongly urge you to come to our board meeting next week when the decision is made."
Wow, that would be great. I'd love to be a co-president. I have so many great ideas for USY and--and I'd be working with Aaron. Wow, I'd have to think about this.
"I have to think about this. It's a big commitment."
"Well, think on it for the next week. If you decide to come, have a speech ready. Aaron and Ben will be the ones making the decision. If they can't agree, then I will put in a third vote. I think that your chances would be pretty good."
She winked.
"Thank you, Maryl. I'll consider it."
I left her office and headed back to my dad's office. About ten minutes later, I punched out for the day and we left for the golf course. Mark apparently has a country club membership, so we went to the place that he is a member of: Tatum Creek Country Club.
"Mike! Rabbi! Glad you could come!"
Did this guy seriously just call me "Mike"?
"You guys are going to LOVE this place. State of the art desert course, full restaurant, hot showers."
He then looked at me.
"You'll love the fitness club here, Mike. The ladies LOVE a man who is physically fit. Your sister tells me you are a big fan of the ladies."
Once again, this guy called me "Mike".
"Yeah, I am a big fan of them. What guy isn't?"
"Our younger brother."
It was Darrin, my twin brother. I'd never been so happy to see him in our entire 17 years of existence.
"Darrin, I've never been so happy to see you in our entire 17 years of existence!"
"You just saw me this morning during breakfast."
"Well, I hate to interrupt the family reunion, but we have a 3:30 tee-time. It's already a quarter after 3."
"Then what are we standing around for? Let's head to the tee."
We got two carts: In the first cart were my dad and Mark. Darrin and I took the second cart. As we drove to the first tee, I decided to take this opportunity to discuss with my brother the possibilities of a hidden agenda.
"Mark doesn't have a hidden agenda."
"Suppose he does, though. I mean, I love Tara dearly, but who in their right mind would want to be with her?"
"Nick Schwartz, Ryan Bronstein, Joey Rabinowitz--"
"Okay, I get it. Tara has dated a lot of guys. However, they've all eventually left her."
"But Mark isn't going to leave her."
"How do you know?"
"Because he showed me a ring he bought for her. He's proposing tonight."
Before I could even respond, we heard Mark's voice saying: "Are you boys gonna hit or do we have to give you a one-stroke penalty?"
I have no idea how that was funny, but my dad started cracking up when he heard Mark say it.
"Yeah, we're coming."
Darrin and I each hit our first drives and then got back into the cart.
"Mark is proposing to Tara?"
"Yes he is. Mom and Dad are gonna be thrilled."
"Why on EARTH would he propose to Tara?"
"I'm gonna go with: he loves her and she makes him happy."
"Bullshit. Tara can't even make HERSELF happy."
We went to our respective golf balls, hit, got to the green, putted, and then got back in the cart and headed to the next tee.
"Suppose he's in it for the money."
"What money?"
"Dad's money."
"Dad doesn't have any money."
"Well, maybe Mark thinks he does. Afterall, TBZ is one of the largest growing synagogues in Phoenix right now."
"That's because there's only 10 synagogues in the whole state."
We continued to knock around our golf balls and putt. When we got to the third tee-box, Darrin finally told me: "Michael, whether you like it or not, Tara and Mark love each other. He's going to propose to her and she's going to say Yes. This is the best relationship Tara has ever been with, so DO NOT ruin it for her--for ANY of us."
And on that note, I kept my mouth shut for the rest of the round of golf. The next 15 holes went by slowly. Mark continued to make retarded jokes and my dad and brother continued to crack up at them. I got the occasional look from Darrin which would convince me to fake-laugh.
We were in the locker room after we played. Mark handed me a key of some sort.
"What's this?"
"I bought your dad a membership here. It's your membership too, so here's the key to your personal golf locker."
I didn't really know what to say about this.
"I really don't know what to say, Mark."
"Say that you'll play more golf with me. I'd love to have you out here."
Well, this was unexpected.
"This is unexpected."
"Listen, Mikey boy, I know that it's hard to accept someone new into your family. But I love your sister and I'm going to propose to her tonight."
"Darrin mentioned that."
"And when Tara and I are married, I think it's important that you see me as a big brother, rather than a brother-in-law. I know we don't know each other so well, but I'd like for that to change."
Wow, maybe I was wrong about Mark. Maybe he really was a pretty sharp guy.
"I'd like that too, Mark."
"Great. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to take a shower before the big night tonight. I'm taking Tara out, you know. Kinda a big night."
I nodded my head.
"Here's $100. This is a little something extra so you can go on more expensive dates. Women love a big spender."
"Thanks a lot, Mark. I can't wait to hear about how it goes tonight. Tara's gonna be freaking out when she gets home tonight."
I took the hundred dollar bill and walked off. I guess I was wrong about Mark. I mean, sure he was a bit of a tool, but he was an all-around nice guy and was, for some strange reason, in love with my sister.
"I can't wait to see ya, honey."
I guess he was on the phone with her now.
"Come on, Janie, just because I'm proposing to Tara tonight doesn't mean you won't be seeing me anymore. You'll always be my number one girl."
Huh?
"I love you too. I'll see you soon."
Maybe I wasn't wrong about him!
Sincerely,
Mac-Attack
I was just getting done with a phone call with a congregant when my father entered the office. I was at my job, by the way. The one where I answer phones in the synagogue office.
"What did I do now?"
My dad usually doesn't sound excited when he says my name, so I was a little off-guard when he did it this time.
"Do you know what today is?"
"Mrs. Lipschitz has a Yahurtzeit for mother-in-law."
"I'm being serious."
"Seriously, she does. I was just on the phone with her."
"Michael, remember last week when Mark called?"
Mark is my sister Tara's boyfriend, aka the 2009 Peoples' Choice Award for Biggest Tool.
"I guess he may have called. What's it about?"
"We're playing golf with him this afternoon. The two of us and your brother."
"Darrin or JT? JT isn't much of a golfer--he'd be a great beverage cart girl though!"
"Darrin, of course. And don't talk about your younger brother that way. He has enough problems."
"I don't think being in the closet is a big problem, Dad. He'll have bigger problems when he finally comes out."
"I'm not discussing this anymore!"
"The golf or JT's sexuality?"
"The latter!"
It was then that we realized that the door was open and that all of the other happy workers at Temple Beth Zion could hear our conversation. This included our youth director, Maryl Moskowitz.
"Michael, I've been meaning to talk to you."
"Oh, Maryl, is this about the conversation we were just having? We were role-playing, really."
"No, Al, it's actually about USY. Can I steal your son for a bit?
"I don't see why not. I have work to do on this week's sermon before we head to the golf course."
I walked over to Maryl's office with her. It wasn't a big office, but there were lots of pictures of all things USY. There was even a picture of me with Ben and Melinda. You know Melinda, the girl who was my best friend until I fell in love with her.
"We haven't seen you at the house lately. Melinda told me you were in California for a while."
Did I forget to mention that Maryl is Melinda's mother?
"Yeah, I was there for a while. It was a good trip."
"I'm glad you had a good time."
I wondered if Maryl knew about the drama between myself and her daughter.
"Well, Melinda told me that Brian Berg held a party for you, but that she didn't see you much at the party."
I guess Maryl didn't know. It might be a good idea to keep it that way.
"Um, yeah. Ben and I split pretty early. It was boring, really."
"Hmm. Very strange, Melinda usually loves his parties. In fact, she told me all sorts of things about his beginning of Summer party. Her and Aaron made themselves official there, you know."
Aaron was also a good friend of mine, but then he fucked Melinda at Convention and the rest is history. I could say a lot of things about that situation, but keeping in mind that I was talking to Melinda's own mother, I just decided to say: "Yeah. That's what I heard."
"You certainly did miss a lot while you were gone, Michael."
"That's what Ben told me when he eventually came out to California."
"Yes, he waited until after our Board elections to leave town, which is something you should have considered doing."
Crap. I didn't think about the fact that I would be missing our board elections. I was going to be running for President of TBZ USY. I guess that didn't end up happening.
"Aaron got the position as President, Benjamin took Vice President, and the rest of the positions were filled by sophomores."
"Well, Ben didn't tell me about that when we were in Cali."
"Michael, Aaron is a devoted USYer, no doubt. He's also very good to Melinda. However, he can't do this alone. We're appointing a co-president and I would strongly urge you to come to our board meeting next week when the decision is made."
Wow, that would be great. I'd love to be a co-president. I have so many great ideas for USY and--and I'd be working with Aaron. Wow, I'd have to think about this.
"I have to think about this. It's a big commitment."
"Well, think on it for the next week. If you decide to come, have a speech ready. Aaron and Ben will be the ones making the decision. If they can't agree, then I will put in a third vote. I think that your chances would be pretty good."
She winked.
"Thank you, Maryl. I'll consider it."
I left her office and headed back to my dad's office. About ten minutes later, I punched out for the day and we left for the golf course. Mark apparently has a country club membership, so we went to the place that he is a member of: Tatum Creek Country Club.
"Mike! Rabbi! Glad you could come!"
Did this guy seriously just call me "Mike"?
"You guys are going to LOVE this place. State of the art desert course, full restaurant, hot showers."
He then looked at me.
"You'll love the fitness club here, Mike. The ladies LOVE a man who is physically fit. Your sister tells me you are a big fan of the ladies."
Once again, this guy called me "Mike".
"Yeah, I am a big fan of them. What guy isn't?"
"Our younger brother."
It was Darrin, my twin brother. I'd never been so happy to see him in our entire 17 years of existence.
"Darrin, I've never been so happy to see you in our entire 17 years of existence!"
"You just saw me this morning during breakfast."
"Well, I hate to interrupt the family reunion, but we have a 3:30 tee-time. It's already a quarter after 3."
"Then what are we standing around for? Let's head to the tee."
We got two carts: In the first cart were my dad and Mark. Darrin and I took the second cart. As we drove to the first tee, I decided to take this opportunity to discuss with my brother the possibilities of a hidden agenda.
"Mark doesn't have a hidden agenda."
"Suppose he does, though. I mean, I love Tara dearly, but who in their right mind would want to be with her?"
"Nick Schwartz, Ryan Bronstein, Joey Rabinowitz--"
"Okay, I get it. Tara has dated a lot of guys. However, they've all eventually left her."
"But Mark isn't going to leave her."
"How do you know?"
"Because he showed me a ring he bought for her. He's proposing tonight."
Before I could even respond, we heard Mark's voice saying: "Are you boys gonna hit or do we have to give you a one-stroke penalty?"
I have no idea how that was funny, but my dad started cracking up when he heard Mark say it.
"Yeah, we're coming."
Darrin and I each hit our first drives and then got back into the cart.
"Mark is proposing to Tara?"
"Yes he is. Mom and Dad are gonna be thrilled."
"Why on EARTH would he propose to Tara?"
"I'm gonna go with: he loves her and she makes him happy."
"Bullshit. Tara can't even make HERSELF happy."
We went to our respective golf balls, hit, got to the green, putted, and then got back in the cart and headed to the next tee.
"Suppose he's in it for the money."
"What money?"
"Dad's money."
"Dad doesn't have any money."
"Well, maybe Mark thinks he does. Afterall, TBZ is one of the largest growing synagogues in Phoenix right now."
"That's because there's only 10 synagogues in the whole state."
We continued to knock around our golf balls and putt. When we got to the third tee-box, Darrin finally told me: "Michael, whether you like it or not, Tara and Mark love each other. He's going to propose to her and she's going to say Yes. This is the best relationship Tara has ever been with, so DO NOT ruin it for her--for ANY of us."
And on that note, I kept my mouth shut for the rest of the round of golf. The next 15 holes went by slowly. Mark continued to make retarded jokes and my dad and brother continued to crack up at them. I got the occasional look from Darrin which would convince me to fake-laugh.
We were in the locker room after we played. Mark handed me a key of some sort.
"What's this?"
"I bought your dad a membership here. It's your membership too, so here's the key to your personal golf locker."
I didn't really know what to say about this.
"I really don't know what to say, Mark."
"Say that you'll play more golf with me. I'd love to have you out here."
Well, this was unexpected.
"This is unexpected."
"Listen, Mikey boy, I know that it's hard to accept someone new into your family. But I love your sister and I'm going to propose to her tonight."
"Darrin mentioned that."
"And when Tara and I are married, I think it's important that you see me as a big brother, rather than a brother-in-law. I know we don't know each other so well, but I'd like for that to change."
Wow, maybe I was wrong about Mark. Maybe he really was a pretty sharp guy.
"I'd like that too, Mark."
"Great. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to take a shower before the big night tonight. I'm taking Tara out, you know. Kinda a big night."
I nodded my head.
"Here's $100. This is a little something extra so you can go on more expensive dates. Women love a big spender."
"Thanks a lot, Mark. I can't wait to hear about how it goes tonight. Tara's gonna be freaking out when she gets home tonight."
I took the hundred dollar bill and walked off. I guess I was wrong about Mark. I mean, sure he was a bit of a tool, but he was an all-around nice guy and was, for some strange reason, in love with my sister.
"I can't wait to see ya, honey."
I guess he was on the phone with her now.
"Come on, Janie, just because I'm proposing to Tara tonight doesn't mean you won't be seeing me anymore. You'll always be my number one girl."
Huh?
"I love you too. I'll see you soon."
Maybe I wasn't wrong about him!
Sincerely,
Mac-Attack
Saturday, August 1, 2009
A Night Out in the Life of the Mac-Attack
Have you ever noticed how fast the summer flies by? I mean, it seemed like is was just yesterday when I ran off to California for six weeks. Well, June turned into July, and July turned into August. In just two short weeks, my senior year of high school was about to begin.
Lately, all I've been doing is working. I guess I feel like I need to get as many hours in as I can to make up for missing so many weeks of working. I had spent most of my money while in California, so there was a constant urge to be making money when I got home.
"Rabbi Maccabbi's Office, this is Michael speaking."
"Hey, Michael, it's Mark!"
Mark is my sister Tara's new boyfriend. Well, not entirely new since they got together while I was in California.
"Hi, Mark."
"Is your dad around? I have to talk to him."
"Um, okay. Yeah, hold on."
I connected his call to my father and I was off the phone. I couldn't exactly figure out what the story on this Mark guy was. Any time I've dated a girl, I have NEVER gone out of my way to talk to the father. Maybe that's why girls' parents always hate me.
"Michael, can I see you in my office?"
My dad sounded like he had something important to say to me. Every time he calls me into his office, he has something important to say.
"What did Mark want?"
"He's a really great guy. He has invited us to play golf next Sunday."
"Oh, um, I think I might be sick next Sunday."
"Michael, you really should give him a chance. He makes your sister very happy."
"So did every other tool she's been with. Anyways, is that what you needed me in your office for?"
"Actually, no. Before Mark called, I was on the phone with a prospective member. Her and her husband are new to the area."
"That's cool, I suppose. What does it have to do with me?"
"Well, they have a kid about your age. The kid's name is Sam."
"Let me guess, you volunteered me to show this kid a good time."
"Sam wants to see Phoenix."
"Well, Sam will probably be disappointed when he realizes how much Phoenix sucks."
"Come on, Michael, just hang out with the kid. We really need members right now."
"But the shul is thriving."
"Michael, more members=more money in the budget=you still having a job."
I wasn't very good at math, but I understood the equation.
"Well, if you out it like that."
"Thank you. Here's the address. You will pick Sam up at 6:30 tonight. "
"Okay, I guess I can do that."
"Thank you."
I went over to this guy's house to pick him up. To be honest, I felt really weird about hanging out with this kid. I didn't know anything about him. Still, my dad basically told me that I would be out of a job if I don't show this kid a good time, so I sucked it up and rang the doorbell.
"You must be Michael. I'm Sam."
Well--Sam had one more X chromosome than I had expected.
"Yes, I am Michael. And you are Sam. I am Michael and you are Sam. You are Sam and I am Michael."
Sam giggled a little bit. I think she could tell I was surprised.
"Um, but my friends call me Mac."
"Okay, Mac. Well, should we get going?"
"Yeah, we should. I know the best pizza place in town."
Of course I took her to By the Slice. I never get enough of that place.
"You were right. This pizza is very good."
"Didn't I tell ya? So, Sam, where are you from?"
"I'm from Las Vegas, so I'm pretty used to the desert.
"Las Vegas is awesome. I've been there once."
"Yeah, I lived there my whole life."
"Well, I hope you aren't disappointed by this crap-hole."
"I take it you aren't a fan of Arizona."
"Who is?"
"Have you lived here your whole life?"
"Unfortunately, but I've spent a lot of time in California. I go there to see family and also for USY."
"Oh, you're in USY? We had one of those at my old shul."
"Did you go to Temple Moshe?"
"Yes, I did."
"Yeah, I know some people who go there."
"Yeah, I wasn't into the regional events, but I might start going to them so I can see my boyfriend."
"Oh, you're still with your boyfriend from Vegas?"
"Oh yeah. Stevie and I will always be together."
"Sam, you're not by any chance going out with Steve Schuckman, are you?"
Next to me, Schuckman is the biggest player in West Coast USY. I know him a little bit, but we usually hang out with different people. However, we do occasionally trade stories about our accomplishments.
"Yup, Steve and I have been together for almost three years."
Well, I had known Schuckman for three years, and he's always been one to hook up with someone at every event.
"Um, has it always been exclusive?"
"Of course. Neither of us would ever want to be with someone else. We've loved each other from the day we met."
I didn't know what to say. This girl was madly in love with the second greatest player is West Coast USY History. I needed to tell her the truth about this guy, because I thought Sam was really cool. She deserved better than that.
"Uh, yeah, Schuckman is a nice guy."
Okay, I suppose minding my own business is a good route too.
"Do you know him well?"
"Not well, but I know him. Uh, tell him that the Mac-Attack says hi."
"Yeah, I will do that when I talk to him tonight."
"Great."
About 20 minutes later, I picked up the check and drove Sam back to her place. We continued to talk about all sorts of things, mostly movies and stuff. I tried to stay off the subject of Schuckman, but Sam just couldn't stop talking about him.
"I miss Steve so much. I really wish he didn't live so far away now."
We finally got back to her place and I walked her to her door.
"Thanks for dinner. It was a ton of fun."
She hugged me. Before she walked inside, I decided to say something.
"Schuckman is a lucky guy. I hope he knows that."
"Oh, he does, and I'm a lucky girl to have him. Goodnight, Mac."
"Goodnight."
I thought about Sam and how she was such a great gal with such a schmuck of a boyfriend. I couldn't understand how she didn't know anything about this guy after being with him for three years. I wished I could have called the guy and told him how lucky he truly was.
I had told Sam how lucky her boyfriend was, and she said that he knows how lucky he is. As I drove off, I knew that her boyfriend truly didn't know how lucky he is.
I was conviced to pay a visit to another person who might not know how lucky he is.
"Oh, Mac-Attack. I wasn't expecting you."
I was at Aaron Youngston's house.
"I wasn't expecting to be here, Aaron."
"Well, come on in. Do you want a beer or something?"
"Thanks, but I can't stay. I just wanted to come here and ask you how Melinda is doing."
"Melinda is good. She just left about an hour ago."
There was a pause.
"Do you love her, Aaron?"
"Mac, I know what this is about. You're still upset about what happened at Convention, and I am deeply sorry about that. But I'm the one she's with, and you need to stop pining over her. It's starting to make things awkward."
"You didn't answer my question, Aaron. Do you love Melinda?"
Aaron didn't answer.
"I hope you know how lucky you are, Aaron. I was stupid and didn't see how amazing she truly was. I don't know if you deserve her, but I sure as hell don't, so treat her well and don't ever forget how great she is. Can you do that?"
There was a pause. Aaron looked stunned. He finally spoke:
"You're right, you don't deserve her. If you deserved her, YOU would be the one going out with her, not me. I appreciate you coming over and telling me this, but you didn't have to. I already know."
I looked at him.
"Then that's good enough for me."
I looked at him again.
"I'll see you around, Aaron."
"Yeah."
I decided to call it a night and head home. I walked into my house and saw my dad sitting on the couch.
"So what was the story on this Sam guy?"
"Sam's a girl."
"Oh--what did you do to her?!"
"Really, Dad? Really?"
"Okay, I'm sorry. Well, was she into you?"
"She has a boyfriend. I actually know the guy through USY."
"That's nice."
"What did you guys do tonight?"
"Mark came over. We played Scrabble."
"Well, I'm just so sad that I missed that."
I love being sarcastic.
"He really is a great guy. I think this might be the guy for Tara. Well, goodnight, Michael."
"Goodnight."
As my father walked upstairs, I thought about people being lucky. Schuckman was lucky to have Sam, but he doesn't know it. Aaron is lucky to have Melinda, and he does know it. I also believe that in some way, shape, or form, Mark is lucky to have my neurotic sister. I wonder if he knows it.
Sincerely,
Mac-Attack
Lately, all I've been doing is working. I guess I feel like I need to get as many hours in as I can to make up for missing so many weeks of working. I had spent most of my money while in California, so there was a constant urge to be making money when I got home.
"Rabbi Maccabbi's Office, this is Michael speaking."
"Hey, Michael, it's Mark!"
Mark is my sister Tara's new boyfriend. Well, not entirely new since they got together while I was in California.
"Hi, Mark."
"Is your dad around? I have to talk to him."
"Um, okay. Yeah, hold on."
I connected his call to my father and I was off the phone. I couldn't exactly figure out what the story on this Mark guy was. Any time I've dated a girl, I have NEVER gone out of my way to talk to the father. Maybe that's why girls' parents always hate me.
"Michael, can I see you in my office?"
My dad sounded like he had something important to say to me. Every time he calls me into his office, he has something important to say.
"What did Mark want?"
"He's a really great guy. He has invited us to play golf next Sunday."
"Oh, um, I think I might be sick next Sunday."
"Michael, you really should give him a chance. He makes your sister very happy."
"So did every other tool she's been with. Anyways, is that what you needed me in your office for?"
"Actually, no. Before Mark called, I was on the phone with a prospective member. Her and her husband are new to the area."
"That's cool, I suppose. What does it have to do with me?"
"Well, they have a kid about your age. The kid's name is Sam."
"Let me guess, you volunteered me to show this kid a good time."
"Sam wants to see Phoenix."
"Well, Sam will probably be disappointed when he realizes how much Phoenix sucks."
"Come on, Michael, just hang out with the kid. We really need members right now."
"But the shul is thriving."
"Michael, more members=more money in the budget=you still having a job."
I wasn't very good at math, but I understood the equation.
"Well, if you out it like that."
"Thank you. Here's the address. You will pick Sam up at 6:30 tonight. "
"Okay, I guess I can do that."
"Thank you."
I went over to this guy's house to pick him up. To be honest, I felt really weird about hanging out with this kid. I didn't know anything about him. Still, my dad basically told me that I would be out of a job if I don't show this kid a good time, so I sucked it up and rang the doorbell.
"You must be Michael. I'm Sam."
Well--Sam had one more X chromosome than I had expected.
"Yes, I am Michael. And you are Sam. I am Michael and you are Sam. You are Sam and I am Michael."
Sam giggled a little bit. I think she could tell I was surprised.
"Um, but my friends call me Mac."
"Okay, Mac. Well, should we get going?"
"Yeah, we should. I know the best pizza place in town."
Of course I took her to By the Slice. I never get enough of that place.
"You were right. This pizza is very good."
"Didn't I tell ya? So, Sam, where are you from?"
"I'm from Las Vegas, so I'm pretty used to the desert.
"Las Vegas is awesome. I've been there once."
"Yeah, I lived there my whole life."
"Well, I hope you aren't disappointed by this crap-hole."
"I take it you aren't a fan of Arizona."
"Who is?"
"Have you lived here your whole life?"
"Unfortunately, but I've spent a lot of time in California. I go there to see family and also for USY."
"Oh, you're in USY? We had one of those at my old shul."
"Did you go to Temple Moshe?"
"Yes, I did."
"Yeah, I know some people who go there."
"Yeah, I wasn't into the regional events, but I might start going to them so I can see my boyfriend."
"Oh, you're still with your boyfriend from Vegas?"
"Oh yeah. Stevie and I will always be together."
"Sam, you're not by any chance going out with Steve Schuckman, are you?"
Next to me, Schuckman is the biggest player in West Coast USY. I know him a little bit, but we usually hang out with different people. However, we do occasionally trade stories about our accomplishments.
"Yup, Steve and I have been together for almost three years."
Well, I had known Schuckman for three years, and he's always been one to hook up with someone at every event.
"Um, has it always been exclusive?"
"Of course. Neither of us would ever want to be with someone else. We've loved each other from the day we met."
I didn't know what to say. This girl was madly in love with the second greatest player is West Coast USY History. I needed to tell her the truth about this guy, because I thought Sam was really cool. She deserved better than that.
"Uh, yeah, Schuckman is a nice guy."
Okay, I suppose minding my own business is a good route too.
"Do you know him well?"
"Not well, but I know him. Uh, tell him that the Mac-Attack says hi."
"Yeah, I will do that when I talk to him tonight."
"Great."
About 20 minutes later, I picked up the check and drove Sam back to her place. We continued to talk about all sorts of things, mostly movies and stuff. I tried to stay off the subject of Schuckman, but Sam just couldn't stop talking about him.
"I miss Steve so much. I really wish he didn't live so far away now."
We finally got back to her place and I walked her to her door.
"Thanks for dinner. It was a ton of fun."
She hugged me. Before she walked inside, I decided to say something.
"Schuckman is a lucky guy. I hope he knows that."
"Oh, he does, and I'm a lucky girl to have him. Goodnight, Mac."
"Goodnight."
I thought about Sam and how she was such a great gal with such a schmuck of a boyfriend. I couldn't understand how she didn't know anything about this guy after being with him for three years. I wished I could have called the guy and told him how lucky he truly was.
I had told Sam how lucky her boyfriend was, and she said that he knows how lucky he is. As I drove off, I knew that her boyfriend truly didn't know how lucky he is.
I was conviced to pay a visit to another person who might not know how lucky he is.
"Oh, Mac-Attack. I wasn't expecting you."
I was at Aaron Youngston's house.
"I wasn't expecting to be here, Aaron."
"Well, come on in. Do you want a beer or something?"
"Thanks, but I can't stay. I just wanted to come here and ask you how Melinda is doing."
"Melinda is good. She just left about an hour ago."
There was a pause.
"Do you love her, Aaron?"
"Mac, I know what this is about. You're still upset about what happened at Convention, and I am deeply sorry about that. But I'm the one she's with, and you need to stop pining over her. It's starting to make things awkward."
"You didn't answer my question, Aaron. Do you love Melinda?"
Aaron didn't answer.
"I hope you know how lucky you are, Aaron. I was stupid and didn't see how amazing she truly was. I don't know if you deserve her, but I sure as hell don't, so treat her well and don't ever forget how great she is. Can you do that?"
There was a pause. Aaron looked stunned. He finally spoke:
"You're right, you don't deserve her. If you deserved her, YOU would be the one going out with her, not me. I appreciate you coming over and telling me this, but you didn't have to. I already know."
I looked at him.
"Then that's good enough for me."
I looked at him again.
"I'll see you around, Aaron."
"Yeah."
I decided to call it a night and head home. I walked into my house and saw my dad sitting on the couch.
"So what was the story on this Sam guy?"
"Sam's a girl."
"Oh--what did you do to her?!"
"Really, Dad? Really?"
"Okay, I'm sorry. Well, was she into you?"
"She has a boyfriend. I actually know the guy through USY."
"That's nice."
"What did you guys do tonight?"
"Mark came over. We played Scrabble."
"Well, I'm just so sad that I missed that."
I love being sarcastic.
"He really is a great guy. I think this might be the guy for Tara. Well, goodnight, Michael."
"Goodnight."
As my father walked upstairs, I thought about people being lucky. Schuckman was lucky to have Sam, but he doesn't know it. Aaron is lucky to have Melinda, and he does know it. I also believe that in some way, shape, or form, Mark is lucky to have my neurotic sister. I wonder if he knows it.
Sincerely,
Mac-Attack
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