A Runaway Bride in the Life of the Mac-Attack

In your lifetime, you may be faced with this very difficult question: when looking for a runaway bride, where the hell do you look for her?

Well, in reality, most of you will probably never be faced with this question, but since that was the question I was faced with on my sister's wedding day, I figured maybe some other people out there had been in my shoes before.

In case you didn't get a chance to read my last blog, here's some highlights from the last exchange between myself and Mark, the fiancee of my sister Tara:

"Tara's pregnant."

"Mark, I'm sure this wasn't exactly the news you wanted to hear tonight. But look at it this way: you're gonna be a father and you're gonna spend the next 18 years raising this kid with my sister, aka the love of your life."
"Yeah, if she comes back."
"Wait--what?"
"Michael, she broke the news to me and then stormed off."
"Did you call her?"
"She won't answer her phone."
"Shit. Okay, I have a plan."
"Yeah? What's this plan?"
"Operation Runaway Bride."

"Where are you going?"
"To find my sister."
"I have to go with you."
"You just worry about getting married tomorrow. I'll worry about locating Tara. Tell my parents I'll meet them at the shul tomorrow."


So, as you can tell, this was no ordinary case of Cold Feet. Tara was in utter panic because she was knocked up. I'd say that's a pretty good reason to panic, but I wondered why it was a reason to run off.

After my conversation with Mark, I got into my car and started driving. I guess maybe I felt like getting in the car and driving would make it look like I had a few leads on where to find her, but the truth is that I had no idea where she might've been!

I decided it wouldn't hurt to call her. I knew she wasn't answering Mark's calls, but maybe she'd answer mine.

"Hi, you've reached Tara Maccabbi...soon to be TARA EISENBERG, NEWLYWED!!! I can't answer the phone right now because I'M GETTING MARRIED!!! Leave a message, but I can't guarantee that I can return the call right away. I'M GONNA BE A BRIDE!!!"

Wow. Just wow.

"Tara, it's me. Listen--I know I'm not the best person for life advice, but you're making a terrible mistake right now and I need you to call me."

Now, the question on my mind was where I could find her. It was 10:15 at night, and the wedding ceremony would be in 13 hours and 45 minutes. I thought about where she liked to go, and at that moment, I realized that I was never really one to ask my sister about where she went during the day. All I really knew about her personal life was that she taught Kindergarden at the King Solomon Jewish Elementary School. She always did love working with those small children. Perhaps it's because they were so similar to her.

"There's no way she'd be at her place of work," I thought to myself. "Nobody loves their job that much."

I then tried to think about all the conversations I'd had with her over the past seventeen years of my life. I suddenly remembered that she's always been CRAZY when it came to being in shape. She ran 3 miles every other day and swam to cool down. More recently, her and Mark had gotten a gym membership together and had been going there a couple times a week.

"The gym! She must be at the gym!"

It was approximately 10:35 when I arrived at the Lifelong Health Club. The place was pretty high-class. State-of-the-art machines, an olympic sized swimming pool, jacuzzis, indoor basketball and racketball courts, a rock wall, and locker rooms with showers, a sauna, and a steam room.

I got to the gym and immediately began searching for her. The weightroom was completely empty because of the time of night. I then checked the basketball courts, the swimming pool, and the rock wall. She was nowhere to be found.

I figured because it was nearly 11:00 at night, there wouldn't really be anyone in the womens' locker room, but maybe I could find Tara in there. I opened the door to the lockerroom to see that Tara was not there, but there were three very attractive blondes standing in there, in nothing but their undergarments.

"Um, I know this is gonna sound odd...but have any of you seen my sister? She's got dark curly hair."
"Nope."
"Not at all."
"Is there something we can do to help?"

The third one got really close to me when she said that.

"Well, I don't know. Maybe."
"I can think of lots of ways we can help you."

Suddenly, all three of them were surrounding me. For all you female readers out there taking notes, this is one of the ULTIMATE fantasies of the male gender.

"Oh, I'm sure you can."

As they sat me down on one of the benches in the locker room, I suddenly remembered why I had come to the gym in the first place.

"I'm sorry," I said as I stood up.
"What's wrong?"
"Are we not sexy enough?"
"Oh, you're plenty sexy. It's just not the best time."
"It's always a good time."
"Thank you, really, but I have to be going."

They didn't seem to understand what I was saying because they didn't loosen their grip on me. I wondered if they did this every night, wait in the locker room for some guy to show up so they can pleasure him.

"Like I said, I need to be going. If you'll just excuse me, I'll just--"
"Nobody, and I mean nobody, turns us down."
"You have to understand. My sister, she's getting married tomorrow, and she ran off, and I have to find her, and--"
"Stop talking and remove your pants!"

I didn't remove my pants.

"Do you need some help with that?"
"No, really, I have to go."
"Oh, the thing is that you don't."
"No, the thing is that I really do."
"Maybe he's reluctant because he's a virgin."
"WHOA!"

Now that was the wrong thing for the creepy girls to speculate.

"I am not a virgin."
"Then prove it, stud."

It was then that the most unexpected twist of the evening happened.

"Michael?"
"Melinda! Thank God!"

I had never been happier to see Melinda in the entire time I had known her, which was practically our whole lives.

"Who are these people?"

I then remembered that I was being sexually assaulted by three beautiful strangers.

"You pose an excellent question. Would you mind helping me, please?"
"Back aside, ladies. This one's mine."
"Aw."
"No fair."
"All the good ones are taken."
"Or married."
"I like the married ones. They're mysterious."
"Okay, so, um, goodbye."

Melinda and I left the locker room. I don't know if I can ever say this again, but boy was I glad I didn't get laid by three hot blondes.

"What were you doing in the Womens' locker room?"
"Once again, a very good question."
"Care to answer?"
"I was looking for Tara. She ran off at the rehearsal dinner."
"Does your family know?"
"I have no idea."
"You didn't tell them?"
"Well, I didn't have much time to tell them. I've been too busy wondering where she might be and being seduced by blonde sluts all night!"

Melinda didn't seem to like my yelling.

"I'm sorry. It's just--it's 11:30 at night now. I have to find Tara before the wedding, which is in 12 and a half hours, by the way."
"I understand. Maybe you could use some help."
"Great idea. Do you know any private detectives who specialize in runaway brides?"
"I appreciate the sarcasm, but this isn't the time. I was talking about me. I can help you."
"You'd do that for me?"
"Of course. You know I'm always here to help you out of a jam."

She smiled and put her hand on my shoulder.

"We can't do this without a little sleep. We'll take your car, and one of us can drive while the other sleeps. When we stop to look someplace, the driver wakes the other one up."
"Okay. That sounds like a good system."
"I'll drive first. You look like you need some rest after that traumatizing locker-room experience."
"Yeah, really."

So we got into my car and started searching. We hit a couple bars, restaurants, public parks, and so on. At 3:30 in the morning, we went into a cafe and decided to eat something and drink some coffee.

"So she wasn't at Desert Ridge, she wasn't at Scottsdale 101, she wasn't at Westgate, and she wasn't at Arrowhead."
"So basically, we've gone everywhere except for the former Confederate States of America."

At that point, my apple pie and her peach cobbler arrived at our table.

"This looks great. Do you want a bite?"
"Sure, only if you'll take a bite of my pie."

She fed me a bite of her cobbler with her fork, the romantic way that most girlfriends do--then it got quiet after I swallowed the cobbler.

"Is it good?"

I looked at her.

"The best cobbler I've ever had."
"How's the pie?"
"Try for yourself."

I fed her the way she fed me.

"That is really good pie."

We looked into each others' eyes for a second, until we both got snapped back into the situation we were in.

"Um, so, anyway--you know Tara better than I do."
"You know, Melinda, tonight I'm not so sure. All I could remember about her is that she teaches at King Solomon and that she goes to Lifelong Health Club a few times a week."
"And you checked both those places?"
"I checked the gym."

And then Melinda gave me one of the biggest "You're an idiot" looks I had ever gotten.

"You didn't check her place of work?"
"Um...no?"
"Michael, Michael, Michael."
"Could you say my name just one more time, please?"
"Michael, the place of work is always the first place you look, especially if it's a runaway bride."

I looked at her strangely.

"Come on, you're driving this time."

She left the booth and I paid the check. All I could think was: "How does she know these things?"

When we got back into the car, it was 4:30 in the morning. From the cafe in Gilbert, it took us 45 minutes to get to the King Solomon Jewish Elementary School in Phoenix. At 5:15 AM, we arrived at the school and saw that Tara's car was already there.

"You think the school doors will be open?"
"I'll try."

The doors to the school were locked.

"She must've used her key. Jeez, how do I get in there? She won't answer her phone."

For the next fifteen minutes or so, I contemplated what I should do and how to get in. I thought about climbing on the roof, but I didn't have a ladder. I thought about breaking and entering, but then I'd get arrested. I was almost out of ideas until--

"Michael!"
"Yes?"
"Jump the fence and go through the playground!"

I looked at Melinda, and at the sake of not sounding like an idiot, I said: "Well that was my next idea!"

"I'll wait for you out here."

I looked at her.

"You promise?"
"Of course."
"Okay."

I smiled and jumped the fence. As soon as I was over, I ran through the playground and jumped over another fence to get to where the classrooms were. I sprinted, trying to find her classroom, and then I was there. The door was locked, so I began to bang on it like there was to tomorrow.

It reminded me a lot of that scene in The Graduate, when Ben interrupts Elaine's wedding.

"Elaine! Elaine!"

The door opened.

"Who's Elaine?"
"Uh, sorry. I got into the moment."

Standing in front of me was my knocked up, runaway sister Tara.

She invited me into her classroom.

"How did you find me?"
"The place of work is always the first place you should look."
"That is true...but you're wearing what you wore to the rehearsal dinner."
"Well, before I came here, I was there."
"Where?"
"Everywhere, really. You're making a huge mistake running out on this wedding."
"Did Mark tell you--"
"That you're pregnant. Yeah, he told me."

She put her head down.

"Tara, Mark loves you. He's gonna love this baby too."
"How do you know?"
"Because he's going to spend the rest of his life caring for it with the one person he cares for the most."

My sister looked at me.

"You're sure?"
"I'm positive."

As if on cue, her financee showed up in the doorway to her classroom.

"Tara!"

The two ran to each other and embraced.

"I'm so sorry, Mark. I'll never run away from you again."
"I love you so much, Tara."
"I love you too."

They kissed again.

"Alright, enough of that, you crazy kids. You're getting married today!"
"We are."
"We are."
"So let's all get some sleep!"


We all walked out through the front entrance, where Melinda was waiting for me still, with a smile on her face.

I dropped her off back at the gym, where her car was parked.

"You did it."
"No. We did it."

She kissed me on the cheek before getting out of the car.

"See you at the wedding."

The ceremony was great. My twin brother Darrin and I shared the responsibility of giving Tara away, since our dad conducted the ceremony. I saw Melinda in the crowd, and she smiled at me. It felt really great.

"Do you, Mark, take my daughter, Tara, to be your wife?"
"I do."
"And do you, Tara, take this man, Mark, to be your husband?"
"I do."
"Then with the powers vested in me by the state of Arizona and the Rabinnical Association of America, I now pronounce you husband and wife."

Tara and Mark kissed. They looked truly happy.

My parents had gotten a band for the wedding, and the music was great. I was just missing one thing: a dance partner. I didn't even have to scan the room to decide who I wanted to dance with tonight.

"Hey, Melinda."
"Hey."
"So I was thinking."
"I'm so proud of you for that--just don't hurt yourself."
"Very funny. Anyway, I was hoping that maybe I could ask you for a dance."

She stood up and made direct eye contact with me.

"Just a dance?"

I looked at her.

"I was thinking that maybe it could be the first of many dances."

We got real close and she kissed me.

"That sounds perfect."

We kissed again, this time more passionately. And then--well, then we danced for the rest of the wedding, holding each other and enjoying our time together. As we danced together, I noticed that the newlyweds were dancing right at our side. For the first time in a long time, everything seemed right with the world.

Sincerely,
Mac-Attack