A Rehearsal Dinner in the Life of the Mac-Attack

"I ordered yellow roses...NOT RED!!!"

In case you didn't notice, my sister Tara was just a little stressed out about her upcoming nuptials. Her and Mark had started their relationship in June, and I suppose it was love at first sight because they were already about to say "I do". Some may find it odd that they were getting married after being together for such a short amount of time, but it wasn't unheard of in my family. My parents are always so proud to tell the story of how they met in the summer of 1977 and fell in love. They were married by Hannukah, and now they've been married for 33 years. That's a really long time to be with one person, if you ask me.

"Tara, it's okay. It's Wednesday, and the rehearsal dinner isn't until Saturday night. I'll just call the flower shop and have them get us some new ones."
"IT'S THE PRINCIPLE OF IT!!!"

On that note, my sister ran into her room and slammed the door.

"I love you too, honey!"

If anyone could handle my sister's ridiculous antics, it was Mark.

"Just wait til you guys have kids and one of them gets a D on their report card!"
"I wish she'd calm down, Mikey. You're her brother; maybe you can talk to her and get her to settle a bit."
"Mark, I've known my sister for 17 years and she's never calmed down when I've asked her to. You have your work cut out for you, my friend."
"I just love her so much. I want her to be happy."
"Listen, Mark: she is happy. She's just stressed about the wedding. I'm sure you have some thoughts on your mind as well."
"Like what?"
"Come on, every guy gets freaked out about never sleeping with anyone else for the rest of their lives."
"Nah, that doesn't bother me. The sex with Tara is pretty great."

It was awkwardly quiet after my future brother-in-law announced to me that my sister was good in bed.

"Well, I'm gonna go throw up now, and then I have a USY lounge. I'll just see you later."

My twin brother Darrin and I convinced our closeted younger brother JT to come to the USY lounge with us. We promised him he'd make new friends.

"But I don't want new friends."
"JT, it's not that you don't want new friends. It's that you don't want any friends!"
"Yeah. You're gonna be in high school next year, and the two of us won't be around for you to hang around with."
"Like we would anyway," Darrin said under his breath. I tried not to laugh.

We entered the Youth Lounge at TBZ to find a ton of people that were JT's age. JT seemed nervous.

"Go mingle, young JT."
"Yes, mingle while Darrin and I go play with the big kids."

My best friend Ben was sitting on one of the couches. Sitting next to him was Sam, a relatively new member from Las Vegas. A couple weeks ago, she had finally left her cheating boyfriend. She still seemed kinda down about it.

"It's just so strange not to have anyone to say 'I love you' to anymore."
"Yeah. I, uh, know the feeling."

He didn't really know the feeling, but he was trying to make conversation.

"Hey, Mac's here!"
"Hey, guys."
"So, how's the bride-to-be doing?"
"Oh, she's fine. She's just kinda flipping out."
"Well, I'm sure everything will be better once she says those vows."
"At least she'll get to say vows. I'll be alone forever!!!"

On that note, Sam ran off crying.

"What's that all about?"
"You know Steve Schuckman from USY? That's his recent ex-girlfriend."
"Schuckman had a girlfriend?"
"You really should go to more events. Maybe you'd know these things."

Meanwhile, JT was just standing in a corner being anti-social. I noticed this and immediately decided that action should be taken. I thought about JT's personality: he loves Broadway, shopping, and Liza Minelli. Who could possibly share those interests?

"Josh!"

Josh Mauer was our Religion/Education officer on our USY Board. He was a year older than JT, but I figured maybe they'd get along since they shared common ground.

"Hola, Mac."
"Josh, I'd like you to meet my younger brother JT."

JT awkwardly stepped forward. Suddenly, the two were standing eye-to-eye and saying nothing.

"Hey."

Josh finally broke the silence.

"Hey."

They weren't saying much.

"Well, I'll just leave you two kids alone now."

I walked outside to see the most beautiful girl in the world standing in the parking lot.

"Hey, Melinda."
"Hey, Michael."
"I haven't seen you all night."
"I've been out here, just kinda thinking."
"Thinking about what?"
"You know, the usual stuff: sugar, spice, everything nice.
"Sugar, spice, and everything nice?"
"Yup, the ingredients to make the perfect little girl."
"Don't forget Chemical X."

I know, it's lame that we were making a Powerpuff Girls' references.

After laughing for a bit, I got in real close and took Melinda's hands.

"Sugar: The taste of your lips.
Spice: What you add to my life.
Everything nice: the way things seemed when we were together."

Melinda looked at me.

"What are you doing?"
"Last week, when you drove my drunken ass home, you told me that you missed having me in your life romantically. I didn't get to tell you that I feel the same way."
"Michael--"
"We can't keep making excuses, Melinda. Either we get together or we don't. But I'd hate to see the latter happen because the truth of the matter is that I love you, and I know you love me too."

And like all great moments, the two of us were interrupted.

"Hey, Michael, we should probably go now."

Melinda and I awkwardly stood there for a second.

"Just think about it."
"Okay, I will. Goodnight."

Shortly after saying goodbye to Melinda, Josh and JT walked out of the Youth Lounge.

"Well, it was great meeting you."
"Absolutely. So, we're like, set for shopping next week?"
"Positively. Goodnight."
"Night."

Darrin looked at me.

"I think JT has found the love of his life."

The next couple days were crazy. All of our crazy relatives came into town, including my Grandma who I hadn't seen since the summer when I ran away to Malibu.

"I come bearing gifts: JT, I've brought for you the Greatest Hits of The Village People."
"Wow! Thanks, Grandma!!!"

He hugged her and then ran to his room so he could listen to a bunch of gay guys sing about how they'd like to be macho men.

"Darrin, here's some sheet music so you can start composing your brilliance."
"Awesome. Thanks!"

Darrin left, and I was the last to receive my gift.

"I saved the best for last. I knew exactly what it was that you would want."
"And what would that be?"
"Close your eyes, Michael Isaac."

When I opened my eyes, my hands were occupied by a box of condoms and the latest edition of FHM.

"Oh, how I've missed you so. Did I ever tell you that you're the best grandmother around?"
"Yes, but you can say it again."

Not only did our wacky relatives come into town...Mark's parents came into town as well.

"I'm telling you, Bernie, the airplane food gave me food poisoning!"
"Sheila, it wasn't food poisoning. You get motion sickness. It happens!"

Bernie and Sheila Eisenberg seemed like lovely people.

"Mom, Dad, you're here. How was the flight?"
"Marky, you know I won't say anything until you've given your mother a kiss!"

Mark kissed his mother. Soon, my parents came downstairs to greet the parents of their future son-in-law.

"Hello. I am Rabbi Al Maccabbi and this is my wife Shayna. Welcome to our home."
"We are just honored, Rabbi! Marky told us the story of your journey and I hope you know we have great respect for you!"
"Why, thank you. It's always nice to be admired."

Just then, Tara came downstairs.

"Is this our future daughter-in-law?"
"Um...yes?"

Immediately, Mark's parents practically attacked my sister with hugs, kisses, and ridiculous compliments.

"Your eyebrows are so perfectly alligned!"
"I think our Marky has found himself a keeper, Sheila."
"Um, thanks?"

The night of the rehearsal dinner was even more chaotic. All of Tara's Sorority Sisters, Mark's golf buddies, and my parents' friends came to enjoy this special occasion. The dinner was at Temple Beth Zion, naturally, and the food was great. However, the bride and groom seemed a little off.

"Let me pour you some champagne, baby."
"Um, you know me. I'm a bit of a lightweight, and I don't wanna get tipsy the night before our wedding."
"Are you sure everything is alright?"

Just then, Mark's best man Kyle gave his Rehearsak dinner speech.

"Well, this is quite the occasion. My boy Mark is getting married, and it is awesome. Tara is the best thing to ever happen to him, and I know the two of them will have a great life together. I'll have more to say tomorrow, so I think I'll pass this on to the Maid of Honor, Marissa."

Marissa was Tara's best friend since college. I had a major crush on her when I was little.

"Tara's getting married! Woo!!!"

She also really liked to drink at parties, wedding rehearsals included.

After the speeches, Tara continued to look more uncomfortable.

"Tara, are you sure everything is okay?"

Without answering, she got up and walked out. Mark chased after her.

"What do you think is going on?"
"I'm not really sure. Maybe the wedding stress has taken a toll on her."
"Michael, be serious."
"I am."

About ten minutes later, Mark walked back in. He was fighting back tears and was without Tara.

"Michael, I have to talk to you."
"Okay."

We went outside and he spoke.

"Tara's pregnant."

What? I'm sorry, I think I need to type that out again just so I know that I heard him clearly.

"Tara's pregnant."

Okay, now I'm 100% sure that he just told me he knocked up my sister.

"Mazel Tov," I said, not knowing what else to say.

Mark started pacing.

"Mark, I'm sure this wasn't exactly the news you wanted to hear tonight. But look at it this way: you're gonna be a father and you're gonna spend the next 18 years raising this kid with my sister, aka the love of your life."
"Yeah, if she comes back."
"Wait--what?"
"Michael, she broke the news to me and then stormed off."
"Did you call her?"
"She won't answer her phone."
"Shit. Okay, I have a plan."
"Yeah? What's this plan?"
"Operation Runaway Bride."

On that note, I started walking over to my car.

"Where are you going?"
"To find my sister."
"I have to go with you."
"You just worry about getting married tomorrow. I'll worry about locating Tara. Tell my parents I'll meet them at the shul tomorrow."

I got in my car and drove off. I wasn't sure where to look, or even how to find her. All I knew was that I couldn't waste any time.

Sincerely,
Mac-Attack