A Rumor in the Life of the Mac-Attack

"Michael!"

I arrived at school to hear the voice of Melinda calling my name. She usually doesn't run up to me, but she did on this particular day.

"I have something really important to ask you."
"What's up?" I asked my best female friend.
"You just have to tell me that it isn't true." She sounded worried now.
"Tell you what isn't true?"

I suddenly realized that something terrible was going on. The worst possible thing had happened...a RUMOR!

I had to sit down.

"Okay, Melinda, who said what about me?"
"John Underwood told me that he heard from Gina Rogers who talked to Charlie Harris who found out from Dan Thomas that someone told Jerry Shea that you...hooked up with Lizzie Wales."

AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

Not Lizzie Wales, anybody but Lizzie Wales. Please, not Lizzie Wales.

"What's this about you and Lizzie Wales, Mac?" Ben said as he suddenly appeared.

"Mac slept with her."

"I DID NOT!"

Lizzie Wales was in our class and was easily the biggest nerd in school. Drum Major of the Marching Band, President of the Anime-Nuts, and founder of the Inner-Beauty Society. She was also notorious for never shaving her legs and constantly sweating. She had frizzy red hair and braces...that she had been wearing since the 2nd grade!

In other words, Lizzie Wales was the WORST possible person to have a hook-up rumor about. I wouldn't mind if the rumor had been about head cheerleader Alexandra Mills or even our Chemistry teacher Ms. Kilroy. ANYBODY but Lizzie Wales. I thought I would throw up.

"This is terrible."
"So you're saying you didn't do it."
"Mac could've slept with Carrie Wilcox. Do you think for one second he would've rather slept with Frizzy Lizzie?"
"I'm glad you guys are behind me on this."
"It would seem that nobody else is behind you on this, though."
"Who all is talking about it?"
Ben and Melinda looked at each other and at the same time said: "Everybody."
"This is just terriffic."
"No it's not, Mac!" Ben said, obviously not realizing my sarcastic tone. "What are you gonna do about your reputation? This could put your social life in the toilet for months!"
"You mean dating right."
"Come on, guys, it won't be THAT bad...will it?"

I then saw three fine girls walk by. Usually when I see three fine girls, I approach them, but they approached me first.

"Hey, Mac." the one in the middle said.
"Hi, uh..."
"Lily."
"Lily, like the flower. Are your friends named Daisy and Rose?"

On a normal day, that line would've gotten me a pizza date or a picnic on the park. But this was no normal day.

"Wow, that's a great line. Did you use it on Frizzy Lizzie?"

Before I could say that I never hooked up with the red-headed nightmare, the three of them walked away laughing. I will never know what the names of Lily's friends were...I'll never get to hook up with Lily!

"This is worse than I thought."
"Come on, Michael, there's more to life than hooking up with pretty girls."
I paused, and then looked at Melinda with sympathetic eyes...then: "NO THERE ISN'T!"

This really sucked. Lily wasn't the first girl to walk up to me and mock me for the rumor. In fact...EVERYBODY was mocking me for the rumor.

"Hey, Mac, fun night with Lizzie?"
"Mac-Attack...more like Mac the Quack!"
"Lizzie and the Mac-Attack Sittin in a Tree!"
"What were you thinking, Mac?"
"What was SHE thinking, Mac?"
"Is it true that her legs feel like a furry animal?"
"How were her lips?"
"Did you lose a bet?"
"Did SHE lose a bet?"
"Mac-Attack?"
"Mac-Attack?"
"Mac-Attack?"

So you can see why I couldn't take it anymore. My reputation was officially ruined...because of a RUMOR.

I had to go to work that day. My job is at TBZ where I answer the phone in my dad's office. It's not very exciting, but my dad pays well.

I was a little late because it was damn-near impossible to get out of the school parking lot with everyone jumping in front of my car asking how I could possibly hook up with Lizzie Wales...EVEN THOUGH I DIDN'T!!!

I came into the front office using the back door through the social hall. I clocked in and then sat in my dad's office. On the door of his office, it said: "Rabbi Albert C. Maccabbi: Spiritual Leader". I always felt some sort of comfort level in my father's office, especially in looking at all the pictures of him with me and the rest of my family. It was really a very large room with three or four bookshelves that are ceiling high, mostly books that he'll never read. I even got a big kick out of his picture with his old golf buddies and the sign that they made him that read: "Big Al". It felt like home, and I felt better about my day as I sat in there. Big Al himself walked into the office as I was looking around and waiting for his phone to ring.

"I'm glad you could work today," he said as he closed the door to his office. "You know how crazy it gets this time of year. Passover is just around the corner and I'm expecting a ton of e-mails regarding the congregation seder and what not. It's always nice to have someone else manning the phones."

"Hey, Dad?" I said, almost immediately after he finished talking.
"Yes?"
"I'm thinking about leaving school forever." (I know it sounds really dramatic, but I was really upset).
"Michael, that's really dramatic. Are you upset about something at school?"
"Yeah. There's um...a rumor going around about me right now."
"A rumor? You mean L'Shon H'orah????"

Big Al always cringed at the sight or sound of L'Shon H'Orah.

"I don't know what to do."
"What does this rumor regard?"
"A girl."
"What girl?"
"This really ugly one that I can't remember ever speaking to."
"That's not nice."
"Well, I can certainly get better-looking girls than Lizzie Wales."
"You certainly can," he said, and then after looking around a little bit: "But they've all been whores! One of these days, Michael, I swear you're gonna get an STD and..."
"Dad! The rumor. What should I do?"
"Well, Michael, I was always taught that when you hear L'Shon H'Orah, you should simply just walk away."
"But it's about ME. My reputation at school is ruined."
"You mean all that Mac-Attack mumbo jumbo?"

My dad is a great guy, and is great at giving guidance to his congregants...but as a father giving advice, he's not so great.

The next day wasn't much better, until lunch came around. Ben and Melinda approached me as I ate my tater tots (the lunch lady almost didn't serve me because she didn't want Lizzie's sweat to get in the food!)

"We know who started the rumor, Michael."
"I don't know why it wasn't more obvious before."
"I mean, nobody would ever want to ruin your reputation as bad as this situation did."
"Except for one person."
"Someone that really wanted to ruin you."

They rambled on like this for literally five minutes when I finally jumped in and said:
"Would you CARE to tell me who the hell this person is???"

"Oh, yes, of course."
"Michael, you should probably sit down for this."
"Just tell me who it is!"
"Okay," they said at the same time. "The person is...Carrie Wilcox."

Did that surprise you? That surprised me a lot.

"How did she...why did she...what?"

"Apparently Carrie paid Lizzie 30 bucks to tell everyone that she hooked up with you at a party last weekend."
"But I wasn't AT a party last weekend."
"Exactly. Nobody saw you there, but they DID see Lizzie. They also saw Lizzie walk up to the bedroom and close the door."
"Who told you about this?"
"Lizzie found us after school yesterday and told us all about it. She felt bad...but apparently got a real thrill out of saying she hooked up with you."

I didn't know whether to take that as a compliment or an insult.

"Has she confessed to anyone else?"
"No."
"Then I know what I have to do."

After school, everybody was in the front of Deer Valley High heading to the parking lot. I waited over by Carrie Wicox's car, where many other very fine girls always park.

Carrie walked over, very surprised to see me.

"Uh... hi, Mac."
"Carrie."
"Did you park near here today?"
"Not so much, Carrie."
"Then what are you doing here?"

There were people watching now. Everybody at Deer Valley High knew about my history with Carrie. I suddenly saw that Lily girl standing near a red convertable. Wow, she looked hot.

I was starting to lose focus, but then I remembered what I was there for. I reached into my pocket and grabbed my wallet. I pulled out a 20 and a 10.

"Here's 30 reasons why your little plot didn't work. In cash."
"What?"
"Don't act stupid. You gave Lizzie 30 bucks to ruin my reputation. Pretty low of you if you ask me."

She was stunned, so stunned that she didn't even take the money. She just drove away.

I was greeted by applause and a huge mob of people apologizing and telling me how awesome that was.

Then, suddenly: "Mac, hey."

"Lily, what's up?"
"That was really cool...and really hot."
"Really. You don't say."

Now THIS is what the Mac-Attack is all about.

"How do you feel about Cashman Park?"
"I like it at night. I love the stars."
"So do I. They make me think of really naughty things."
"Oh?"
"Yeah, for instance..."

As I stood there listening to Lily whisper really sexy things into my ear, I thought about what Big Al had said to me.

"They've all been whores!"

No, not that!

"When you hear L'Shon H'Orah, you should simply just walk away."

You know, it's a funny thing about walking away. I could've walked away from the rumor situation and let it blow over like it always does at high schools...but if I had walked away, I probably wouldn't have hooked up with Lily later that night under the stars of Cashman Park!!!

Sincerly,
Mac-Attack