My sister Tara probably didn't anticipate how much it would hurt to give birth to twins. We all warned her that she should just do a C Section, which is what my mom had done for me and my twin brother Darrin 18 years ago.
"You should've done a C-Section, Tara, which is what I did when Michael and Darrin were born 18 years ago."
"You're not helping, Mom...AHHHH!!!"
Her husband Mark was doing what he could to try and help her...
"Don't worry, Tara, it'll be alright."
"This is your fault!!!
...but it seemed she didn't want the help.
This is what was happening as me and my girlfriend Melinda were on our way to the hospital to watch my sister deliver my first nephews. I was excited, but also a little annoyed because now Melinda and I wouldn't be able to go to our prom that evening.
"How far along is she?"
"My dad said her water broke an hour ago."
"That's exciting."
"My dad also said that she's in a lot of pain now."
"Oh my."
"So when we get there, we might wanna stay out of her way."
We arrived at the hospital where my parents, Darrin and our gay brother JT were waiting for us.
"Hi, how's she doing?"
"Her cervix dilated 4 centimeters."
"Um, ew. You couldn't have just said that she's doing fine?"
"Don't be so imm-a-ture about it, Michael. Childbirth is perfectly natural."
"Because you know so much about what's natural."
"Excuse-em-moi?"
"Nothing. Don't worry about it."
I couldn't help but laugh.
"Oh, whatever, you two! I'm gonna go text Joshie!"
"Yes, because that will make us stop laughing."
He walked away.
"Why must you act that way toward your brother?"
"Because it's funny."
"I second that."
"You guys are so immature."
"You love me for it and you know it."
She kissed me. Suddenly, I noticed that my dad was standing in a corner all by himself.
"Mom, what's happening with Dad?"
"I don't really know. I'm assuming that he's just overwhelmed by the fact that he's going to be a grandfather after all is said and done."
"Shouldn't he be excited?"
"Oh, he is. I think he's just taking it in."
My mother couldn't have been more wrong about what was going on with my dad.
At the angle that he was standing at, we couldn't tell that he was reading e-mail on his phone. The e-mail was from Jerry Sternberg, the president of Temple Beth Zion.
Rabbi,
We need to meet as soon as you recieve this e-mail.
There are many important things that we must discuss.
Jerry Sternberg
It wasn't until we all saw him pick up his phone and walk outside that we knew something was up.
"Jerry, I can't meet with you right now. My daughter is in labor and--"
"This can't wait, Rabbi."
"Well, what is it?"
"We need to meet now, Rabbi. Can we come to the hospital?"
"Okay, fine, if you must...we?"
Sternberg hung up, leaving my father puzzled and paranoid about what was about to happen.
"I'm sure everything is fine, Michael."
I looked at my father as he reentered the hospital.
"I wouldn't be so sure, Mom."
The next thing I knew, I got a call from Ben, my best friend.
"Hello?"
"Mac, where the hell are you? I'm at prom without a group!"
"Shit, dude. I'm sorry. It's just that Tara is in labor and Melinda and I had to head straight to the hospital."
"Well, prom is pretty lame so far. Do you want me to come over there?"
"Nah, it's all good. You paid for the ticket and everything; you might as well make good use of it." "There's literally over a hundred single women here, Mac...and I don't want a single one of them!"
"Have you not heard from the Jerusalem University for American Students yet?"
"Not a single word...what if they didn't get my application???"
"I'm sure they got it, Ben, and I'm sure that you'll get in. However, for the time being, just try to have fun at your senior prom. Do it for all three of us."
"Alright, I'll try."
We hung up and I rejoined the rest of my family and Melinda.
"What was that all about?"
"It's Ben. He isn't having fun at prom because we're not there...you know, Melinda, if you wanna just go to prom, I wouldn't be offended."
Melinda kissed me.
"I'm staying right here."
"Well, I won't argue with that."
We kissed again, more passionately this time.
Just then, Mark came out and addressed the family.
"Five centimeters. We're getting closer."
"That's great, Mark! I'm gonna text Joshie and tell him!"
"Uh, you do that. Thank you for your enthusiasm."
"You don't look so good, man."
"Have you ever seen what it looks like down there while a woman is in labor?"
"I've never seen what it looks like down there...at all."
"Well, it's pretty gruesome."
"I'm gonna be sick."
Meanwhile, my dad was in the cafeteria awaiting Jerry Sternberg and the tribunal.
"Hello, Rabbi."
"Hi, Jerry. Sit down."
He noticed that there was no one there besides Jerry.
"I thought you said 'we' when you and I spoke on the phone."
"I did."
"Hello, Rabbi Maccabbi."
"Joe?"
Rabbi Joseph Moon had been the associate rabbi at Temple Beth Zion since January. To be honest, I never did like the guy and I was constantly suspicious of his motives.
"Okay, what's this all about?"
"Maybe we should eat something first."
"I'm not hungry, Jerry. My grandchildren are being born right now and I'm not sure I need this."
"Oh, you need this."
It was silent as Rabbi Moon had a smile very similar to that of Stanley Kowalski from "A Streetcar Named Desire".
"Okay, what the hell is going on here?"
"As you know, Rabbi, you're contract is up for review next month."
"Yes, I'm well-aware."
"Well, we've put a lot of thought into this, and the board has decided that your contract won't need to be reviewed after all."
"Okay, so that just means that everything in the contract stays the same...right?"
"Not exactly, Al."
"Wait--are you firing me?"
"We just feel it's best that--"
"You call me the night that my daughter gives birth to my first grandchildren, and you come to the hospital that they're being born, and you have the nerve to fire me?"
"Not fired...laid off."
"You don't understand. I have two sons that are about to be in college. My wife doesn't work."
"It's in the best interest of the congregation, Rabbi."
"It's in the best interest of the congregation to have this man-child be their only spritual leader?"
"Man-child?"
"You still have acne, son."
"Okay, now just calm down."
"I will not calm down. This is not fair."
"And it's not fair for the congregation to be shelling out hundred of thousands of dollars between two men when the duties of a rabbi can be performed by one."
"That's what I told you when you hired this clown!"
"Well, we didn't anticipate the economy being in such turmoil."
"The economy has been in turmoil since 2007!"
"There will be no further discussion. Your final Shabbat with us is next Saturday. You will have all your personal things out of your office by next Tuesday."
"You have yourself a wonderful night, Rabbi."
My father would later describe the look on Rabbi Moon's face as a look of satisfaction, as if he had won a long battle.
Back in the waiting room, Mark announced to us that Tara dilated another centimeter.
Afterwards, Melinda walked me over to the corner.
"Question for you: how many empty hospital rooms do you think there are here?"
"Empty hospital rooms?"
"This may sound weird, but just because we're not at prom, it doesn't mean we can't have sex on prom night."
"Melinda, let me get this correctly: are you suggesting that we have sex in a public venue?"
"We never have before."
"This is true."
"So, do you wanna?"
"Yes...what should we tell my family?"
"That we're getting food from the cafeteria."
"Sounds like a plan."
I walked over to my mom.
"Mom, I'm gonna go to the cafeteria with Melinda."
"I think you're father is in there, Michael. Will you check on him?"
"Do I have to?"
"You're gonna be in there anyway."
"Okay, fine."
I walked back over to Melinda.
"So now I actually have to go to the cafeteria."
"Seriously?"
"Find a room, text me the number, and I'll be there shortly."
We kissed.
"I'll be waiting."
I then headed down to the cafeteria to find my dad, who was sitting at a table sulking.
"Dad?"
"Oh. Hello, son."
"Mom wanted me to check on you."
"She did?"
"Yeah. Is everything alright?"
"No, not really."
"Talk to me. What's up?"
"You really wanna know?"
I then got the text from Melinda saying that she was waiting for me in room 570.
"Well..."
"I was fired, Michael."
"What?"
Way to kill my buzz.
"Jerry Sternberg, along with Rabbi Moon, came by to tell me that I've been fired, or laid off, or terminated. Whatever the hell they call it."
"Wow. That's heavy."
"You think? How am I supposed to break this to your mother, Michael? She hasn't had to work in years!"
"Are there no other jobs?"
"Where?"
"Another shul, perhaps?"
"Not without leaving Phoenix, and I can't leave Phoenix. Your sister is here, my two grandchildren will be there, and your younger brother has a boyfriend now! I can't very well seperate young love, can I?"
"No comment."
"I just don't understand it. I've been a loyal patron to that shul for more than 20 years! I just became the rabbi two years ago, but that's more than I can say for the acne-faced child that's gonna be taking over the pulpit!"
I texted Melinda: "You're gonna hate me for this: I'm talking with my dad right now and won't be up there for a while. We'll have to hook up later."
"Sounds like you got screwed, Dad."
"More than I ever thought I could be by my own people. I mean, I gave and gave and gave to that congregation. I have no idea what I'm going to do."
It was then that I got a text from Melinda saying: "It's just as well...I just got kicked out of the room anyway! haha."
"I wish I could help, Dad...what am I going to do about school now?"
"It'll get figured out. Things always have a way of turning around in this family. Go be with the family. I'll be up shortly."
"Okay, Dad."
"And Michael?"
"Yes?"
"Have you thought any more about Nativ? There's no better way to spend your first year of college than in Israel."
I nodded.
"I don't disagree with you. We'll see how it all plays out."
I went back upstairs, where Melinda was having an intense conversation with JT about eyeliner.
"You can't have too much. There's this girl at my school that looks like a raccoon!"
"Goodness!"
Just then, Mark came out and made the announcement.
"10 centimeters! The babies are coming! I'm about to be a dad!!!"
There was a rush of excitement as Mark ran back into the delivery room. In just a matter of
minutes, I was going to be an uncle.
It was then that my father finally returned from the cafeteria and into the arms of my mother.
"Something's wrong, Al. What's wrong."
"It can wait. Right now, let's enjoy the birth of our grandchildren."
He kissed her in a way that I'd never seen him kiss her before. A couple minutes later, Mark ran out of the delivery room.
"I'M A FATHER!!!"
"How does he look?"
"LIKE AN ALIEN...A BEAUTIFUL ALIEN!!!"
He ran back into the delivery room.
"Congratulations, Uncle Michael."
I smiled.
"Thank you, Aunt Melinda."
We kissed for the first time as an aunt and uncle.
"Don't forget about Uncle Darrin!"
Darrin and I hugged before looking at JT.
"Come here, Aunt JT!"
JT flipped Darrin off before joining our brotherly hug.
I looked at my father, the new grandfather, who nodded at me. Though I could see the uncertainty of his future in his eyes, the happiness in his face overruled any other emotion he could've been feeling.
"MY SECOND CHILD HAS BEEN BORN!!!"
"How is he?"
"HE...IS A SHE!!!"
JT jumped up and cheered. It was the happiest I had seen him all night.
In a timely manner, we all got to go meet the babies for the very first time.
"Everybody, I'd like you to meet the newest additions to the Maccabbi family. Meet Sammy and Rebecca Eisenberg."
She handed Sammy to me.
"Hi, Sammy."
He was so small. I knew from the minute that I first held him that we'd be pals for life.
"You know who you're named for, Sammy? You're named for your great-grandfather. He was an incredible guy, just like you."
Meanwhile, JT was bonding with Rebecca.
"And I'm gonna take you shopping, and to the theatre, and to get your nails done, and to buy your prom dress, and--"
"Isn't that the mother's job?"
I felt my phone vibrating, so I felt that it would be the perfect opportunity to hand my nephew to his grandfather.
"Sammy, meet your grandfather."
"Hey, Sammy. I'm your Grampa. Starting today, and forever, you and your sister are my superstars."
I looked at the Caller ID and saw that it was Ben.
"What's up, Ben?"
"Were the babies born yet?"
"They certainly were. Sammy and Rebecca."
"How are they?"
"They're awesome, Ben. So what's happening? How was the rest of prom?"
"I left after we got off the phone earlier."
"What? Why?"
"Because I got an even bigger phone call after we hung up."
"Okay. Who called?"
"I got in, Mac."
"What?"
"I got into the Jerusalem University for American Students! I start at the beginning of summer!"
"Ben! That's incredible! Have you talked to Sam yet?"
"I'm gonna surprise her by coming out there after Convention. Just two short weeks!"
"That's great, Ben. I'm happy for you."
"Thanks. By the way, have you heard back from Nativ yet? Any day now, right?"
"I should be hearing back from them next week. Hopefully I'll be able to make my decision by then."
"Well, I support either decision you make."
"Thanks, man. Listen, I haven't held Rebecca yet, so I'll just see you on Monday."
"Sounds good, Mac. Talk to you later."
I went back into the recovery room and looked around at my family. At that moment, we were all the happiest we had ever been. It was the same case with me and Melinda, for we were a stronger couple than ever before. I saw her holding my neice and I knew that somehow, someway, we would have to last. It was at that moment that I realized that she would be the only one for me, for the rest of our lives.
Sincerely,
Mac-Attack
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