A Seder in the Life of the Mac-Attack

"You invited her over for the First Seder???"


Ben was of course referring to my new girlfriend, Dara Karpen. It was true; I did invite Dara over to my house for the first seder of Passover. My general opinion is that Passover is the worst holiday; you can't eat bread. But, I was glad to finally have a Jewish girlfriend who would be willing to suffer through the matzah with me.


"Ben, she's my girlfriend now. It's time for her to get to know my family," I explained to my best friend.


"But it's so soon, Mac," Ben responded. "I mean, having her get to know your family is like making it official. Are you ready for that?"


I could honestly tell my best friend that I hadn't ever been more ready for anything in my life, not even my bar-mitzvah!


"Ben, I've never been more ready for anything in my life, not even my bar-mitzvah!"


The whole relationship-thing was very new to me. For years, I was very accustomed to finding romance in many different places and with many different girls. I was one of those guys that would hook up with a girl once and never hook up with them again. It's not that I was a jerk about it, I was actually quite romantic. Back then, I was just a really strong believer in playing the field. For instance, Rivka Pasternak is a girl I know from San Diego. She's really great, and I liked her a lot, but we hooked up once and I was satisfied. We had a great moment.


But now I have changed my ways. I'm a one-woman-at-a-time type of guy now, and that one woman is Dara Karpen. There was something about her, from the first time I ever saw her, that just caught my attention. Perhaps it was her flowing brown hair or her perfect smile, but I like to believe it was her addicting personality and her appreciation of people. I had never felt this way about anyone, and I was excited to be celebrating our exile from Egypt with my new girlfriend.


I got a call from her the night before the seder. I was happy to see her name on the Caller ID.




"Hey," I answered my phone.
"Hey, stud."


I was already liking this conversation.


"You excited to meet the family tomorrow night?"
"Yeah, I can't wait. What are all their names again? I don't want to forget."



She was so efficient!


"Well, my twin brother is Darrin. You met him at the gift exchange."
"Right, of course."
"My younger brother is JT. He's in 8th Grade."
"Have I seen him before?"
"He's at services all the time, but I don't think I've ever introduced you."
"Okay. Who else?"
"My sister will be joining us, her name is Tara."
"I didn't know you had a sister."
"She just moved back in with us. Bad break-up."
"Is she much older than you?"
"Yeah, Tara is 30."
"Gotcha."
"Obvously, my mom is Mrs. Maccabbi and my dad is the Rabbi."
"Oh, I forgot that I was dating the rabbi's son."
"You certainly are. Now, are there any more questions about tomorrow night?"
"No, I think you've told me everything I need to know."
"Alright, then I'll see you tomorrow night."
"Mmkay, bye."




So we were all set to have a nice, relaxing First Seder in which my girl would be able to get to know my extremely normal and not at all dysfunctional family.





If only it was that simple...





So I've talked a lot about my dad, the Rabbi Big Al Maccabbi. I've also talked a little bit about my twin brother Darrin. But I've barely ever spoken about my mom Shayna, my sister Tara or my younger brother JT. There are reasons for this.





So my mom is actually pretty chill. I love her, and she's an amazing cook...but she is just a tad bit on the vicious side.



My sister is great...however, you know how I mentioned that she just moved back in with us after a bad break-up? Well, it's not the first time that she's moved back in with us after a bad break-up. In fact, we never do anything with her room because something always tells us that she'll be back.



My younger brother isn't a bad kid...but he loves to shop...a little too much.



Now, that's not really the worst of all of it. Obviously, everybody's family has some quirks...but mine had one that no one else's family has. They are related to ME. Because they are related to me, they seem to judge every single thing that I do...and I never hear the end of it.



So maybe it would be an understatement to say that having Dara sit with them through an entire Passover seder was a little unnerving. Passover seders in the Maccabbi household last a long, long, long time.





Before I knew it, the next day came. I got home from school in time to witness JT having one of his episodes in which he would talk about how horrible his life is.





"Hollister is having a sale and YOU'RE NOT LETTING ME BUY ANYTHING!!!!!!" He was crying as he said this to my mother, naturally.





"JT, we've been over this. You can't go shopping every time there is a sale."
"But I need clothes! I can't wear these rags anymore!!!"




By the way, JT was wearing a polo shirt and jeans from Target. Those were the rags he was referring to.




"Go to your room until you can stop being such a spoiled brat!"
"I AM SPOILED. WHY CAN'T YOU UNDERSTAND????"





And just like that, JT stormed upstairs and slammed his door.




It was then that my mom noticed me standing there.




"Hi, Michael. How was school?"
"It was okay. What's the deal with JT?"
"Oh, you know how it is when he doesn't have his way."
"Yeah."
"I think he's gay."
"Now, Mom, I don't think he's gay."




Suddenly we heard the unbearable sound of "Glamourous" by Fergie coming from his room.




"Okay, maybe he is gay."

"Then maybe he should just come out and tell us. We won't judge him."




I looked at my mom. If she judged ME for hooking up with GIRLS, how would she not judge JT for hooking up with GUYS?




"Anyhow, is your friend still coming tonight?"
"Her name is Dara, and yes she is still coming tonight."
"I'm so glad you've finally met a nice Jewish girl."
"Yeah, she's great."
"Have you slept with her yet?"



I nearly choked on the water that I was drinking.




"No, Mom. I haven't slept with her yet."
"Just make sure you don't get any..."
"STDs. Yeah, I know. I've heard that from you and Dad more times than I can count."




My parents are very anti-sex. Probably because they don't do it.



"Mom, I need a favor from you."
"Michael, I'm not going to buy you any condoms."
"I already have those."
"What?"
"I mean, that's not the favor I need from you."
"What do you need?
"I really like this girl and I need everything tonight to be perfect."
"I'll do my best to keep everyone in line, just don't have sex in my house!"
"MOM!"



Just then, my sister walked in.



"Hi, Tara."
"I just went shopping and I look AMAZING!"



The worst part about Tara is when she gets out of a break-up, she goes all Independent-Woman on us and becomes full of herself very fast.



"So I walked into Hollister to get some new jeans and..."
"YOU WENT TO HOLLISTER AND YOU DIDN'T TELL ME??? I HATE YOU ALL!!!!"



I contemplated whether or not I should feel bad for JT.



"Well, anyway, I've decided that I don't need a man to tell me that I look good, because the people at Hollister told me that I look GREAT."
"That's how they get you to buy stuff from them, Tara."
"YOU'RE JUST JEALOUS BECAUSE I'M BEAUTIFUL!"



Sometimes Tara made it easy to forget that she was 30, not 13.



Finally, my dad walked in with my brother Darrin. Darrin is probably the most normal out of all of us, but he is very judgmental of me. Needless to say, we're not very close.



"Hi, Darrin."
"Yeah, whatever."



See what I mean?



"Oh, Michael," my dad said. "There's a girl outside waiting for you."
"Yeah, Dara Karpen from USY. What could she be doing here?"
"You guys didn't invite her in?"
"Wait, is Dara your lady-friend who will be joining us tonight?"
"YES."


I walked out to find her standing on my driveway. I ran up to her and gave her a kiss.



"I cannot believe they didn't invite you in."
"That's okay, I wanted you to come out here anyway."
"Oh?"
"I hid a little afikomen for you in your car when you drove me home last weekend."
"Really."



I was really loving this conversation.



"Shall we...take a look?"
"That would be a good idea."



We got into my car and I immediately went in to kiss her, but then:



"Not so fast, Mister. Not until you find the afikomen."



I began frantically searching until I found a blue thong that said: "Eat me; I'm kosher" on it.



"Well, I don't really think they're my size, Dara."



She laughed and we began kissing. I loved kissing her, it was an amazing feeling. Suddenly, there was a knock on the window. We suddenly saw the image of Darrin's face.



"Party time is over. Come in for the seder."



Yay, now the fun could start!

The seder started off as most seders do. My father went into this big long thing about how we were slaves in Egypt and what not. He talked about all the items on the seder plate, we drank the first cup of wine. Just like that, the seder had already been going on for an hour.

It was approximately 8:30 when we finally got our matzaball soup. Our seder had started at 6, so I guess this seder was going by really fast!

"The soup is delicious, Mrs. Maccabbi."
"Thank you, dear, but it was actually my daughter Tara who made the soup."
"And YES, it IS amazing."
"It's all so good."
"Especially the soup, right?"

Dara looked at me for a minute and I just gave her a signal to just nod along.

"Yes, especially the soup."
"Thank you. It's so nice to get recognition for everything I do."

Dara was already fitting in with my family, which was great.

"So, Dara, how do you and Michael know each other?" my father asked. Finally, a topic of conversation that I could tolerate.

"We actually met at USY in November, but I was dating someone else back then. We didn't get together until the USY Dance a couple weeks ago."

She took my hand, and I suddenly felt very confident about her interaction with my dysfunctional family...until--

"Well, he sure does have a thing for girls who are already taken."

I could've murdered my brother right there and then.

"Oh, you mean Carrie Wilcox, right?"

Now I could've murdered my OTHER brother as well.

"More like Carrie Will-Suck-All-Cox."

Dara looked confused.

"Who's Carrie Wilcox, Mac?"
"Carrie is Michael's ex-whore."
"Shayna, that's L'Shon H'Orah!"
"Well, she was. Michael isn't seeing her anymore."
"I remember the way she dressed. SO out of style."
"And she just couldn't keep her lips to herself...and neither could Michael."
"Michael, why DID you hang out with that little skank for so long?"

I couldn't take it. This was NOT my idea of the seder with my girlfriend. I was so mad, I could just...I could just...I could just...I could just SCREAM!

"THAT'S ENOUGH OUT OF ALL OF YOU!!!"

I kid you not, my face was as red as the font that I use to represent my voice in the blog.

Everybody stared for a moment, until:

"I think I should go. Thank you so much for having me, I had a blast."

Then, as she held back tears: "I'll call you later, Mac."

She walked out. I didn't know what else to do, so I chased after her. She was about to get in her car when I got to my driveway.

"Dara!"
"I can't stay here any longer."
"I'm not asking you to. Let's go somewhere, let me buy you a bunless burger."
"Mac, it's not about the food."
"I know what it's about. My family is a little intense, I know."
"It's not your family that's intense, Mac. It's you."

I was speechless, luckily she had more to say.

"I know your reputation, Mac. I guess I thought I could get past that and that maybe it wasn't true. But now hearing the whole Carrie Wilcox thing confirmed, it's just..."
"Dara, can I please explain?"
"You don't have to. You're the Mac-Attack, I understand."
"Just let me explain, please."

It was silent. Then she finally spoke.

"You have one minute."
"Dara, I did hook up with Carrie Wilcox. She did have a boyfriend when it happened, but it happened a million years ago. I was a stupid freshman."
"Is that all?"
"No. The truth is that I fell in love with her, and I was willing to have her any way that I could. That doesn't justify it, but would you believe me if I said that her and I never slept together?"

Dara looked at me in disbelief. We heard the sound of thunder when she finally said: "You didn't?"

"I had the opportunity over the summer to sleep with her, but I turned her down. I was tired of coming in second place, and I'm still tired of coming in second place."

More thunder followed, along with a few drops of rain.

"When I'm with you, Dara, I feel like I'm not in second place. I feel like I'm in first place, and it's the sweetest feeling I could possibly have."

I got real close as it began to rain more and more.

"Mac, I..."
"My family is really bizarre. They can even be scary at times."
"Yeah, especially your mother."
"But I wouldn't have introduced you to them if you were anything like the other girls."
"They've never met any other girlfriends?"
"Are you crazy? I only introduced them to you because of the way I feel about you."
"And how do you feel about me?"

It was pouring rain and we were against Dara's car.

"I love you, Dara Karpen."
"I love you too, Michael Maccabbi."

We were then kissing in the rain, and although it may sound cheesy, that's exactly how it happened. The cast of One Tree Hill would be proud of the way we utilized our full names.

"Should we go back into the seder?"
"Actually, I kinda want to find the afikomen again."

She looked at me, and we continued to kiss. I guess the fact that it was pouring rain didn't seem to matter. We finally came back inside in time for the fourth cup of wine at 10:15. Dara and I were soaking wet, and my mom most definitely pitched a fit at me later for getting water all over her carpet. Dara and I looked ridiculous, but in my opinion, she had never looked more beautiful than she did at that moment.

It's a funny thing about love. Sometimes it takes the most uncomfortable situations to get people to say what they need to say. I guess I should be thankful to my family, because they made it possible for Dara and I to have that incredible moment. Sure, they are incredibly annoying and I would prefer not to have to endure them most of the time...

but if you can't tolerate your family, who CAN you tolerate???

Sincerely,
Mac-Attack