A New Years Party in the Life of the Mac-Attack

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HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!

Every year on December 31, billions of people across the world count down those same numbers and scream that exact statement at the exact same time. 11:59:05

New Years Eve has never been my favorite holiday, mostly because it marks the end of the holiday season, which is my overall favorite time of the year...at least, that's what I tell people.

The truth is, New Years Eve is never a lucky night for me. No matter who's party I always go to or which girls are at these parties, the Mac-Attack always ends up alone when the ball drops.

BUT NOT THIS YEAR!

Nothing was going to stop me from kissing a beautiful woman when the ball dropped this year. I refused to be the only one alone for yet another New Years' Eve. My dry-streak would end this year. I could just feel it.

The only problem was...

The only girl I was interested in kissing, Dara Karpen, already had someone ELSE to kiss. The thing is that it wouldn't be the first time I had set my sights on a taken woman. I spent a year and a half of my life chasing Carrie Wilcox, and she consistently had a boyfriend when we would fool around. I tried to think of the way she described how she felt about the whole situation.


"Mac, you're a great guy. Unfortunately, I don't think you and I would be a good couple. Let's just make out!"


I suddenly realized that Carrie probably wasn't a great example.

Suddenly, as I was reflecting the statement from my former flame, I got a call from Ben who seemed to have a mouthfull to say about the situation.

"I can tell you like this one, Mac."
"Yeah, I do. What can I do about it?"
"Do what I do!"
"What's that, Ben?"
"I stay home, jack off, and ponder why I'm still single."
"From the way you just said that, it would seem that there's nothing to ponder!"
"Ok, Mac, but it's better than crying over a girl who already has a boyfriend!"
"Really? Jacking off and pondering why you're still single is better?"

We went on like this for about a minute before I said:

"Ben, I know the perfect solution!"
"Jack off at the same time so we're not alone?"
"What?"
"What?"
"Focus!"
"I'm focused. What's your suggestion?"
"Ok, so my parents are in New York for New Years Weekend. I'll give them a call and get the OK to throw a New Years' Party. Dara will HAVE to come, and her boyfriend WON'T!"
"That's a brilliant idea! Then I can just go in your sister's room and look at her pictures!"
"Yeah...wait, what?"

I called my dad and it was set. He told me as long as we "keep it kosher", then everything would be fine. (My dad loves Jewish humor!)

I started making some phone calls. I called up Brian Berg (aka B) and invited him...and I told him to bring a few girls. Even though he's obesely overweight, the guy's favorite hobby is chasing tail...and getting it.

I called Melinda and she offered to make a cake (Melinda is quite the chef).

I called a bunch of other random people from school and USY. I also told them to bring people with them!

But then I made the most important call. I called the woman who I planned to kiss this year. Dara Karpen.

"Dara, it's Mike Maccabbi."
"Hi, Mac. How are you?"
"I'm good. Listen, there's gonna be a great New Years' Party at my place. You should come."
"Sounds great. Let me just call Ray and I can give him the address."

I was stunned. She was gonna invite her BOYFRIEND!!!!!

I couldn't believe it. I was confused. I was hurt. I was...I needed to respond. It was SILENT!

"Uh, of course. Call Ray; I'm looking forward to meeting the guy."

By the way, I was lying.

"K. Sounds good. I'll see you New Years' Eve."

Wow, what was I to do? I wasn't sure. I guess I couldn't have told her not to invite her boyfriend. I mean, it is New Years' Eve, a time for husbands and wives, as well as boyfriends and girlfriends to...OH GOD, WHAT AM I SAYING?!?!

(note to self: never say something unless you are absolutely 100% truthful when you say it)
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Well, kiss from Dara or not, New Years came and a BUNCH of people came. There had to have been at least 65 or 70 people there! I was quite pleased about the turn-out.

Ben and Melinda arrived. We all began to talk amongst ourselves when B came up to me.

"My main man Mac-Attack!" he said in his normal, very fat-person-like voice.
"Hi, B." I said completely overly enthusiastically.

A girl came up behind him. Like I've said before, he always dated the finest girls.

"Brian, baby, is there a, uh, bedroom in here?"

I forgot to mention that they are always pretty unintelligent, as I could tell instantly that she was trying to come up with some codeword for "I wanna have sex while we're at this party. Let's find a room."

"Mac, have you met Jenny?"
"I don't think I have. Welcome to the party."
"Thank you...B...ROOM...NOW!"
"Well, if you'll excuse us Mac, I..."
"NOW!"
"Okay, let's go."

Out of all the things I thought I would be cleaning up after the party. There was suddenly a horrible image in my head, but it was suddenly followed by a good one. Actually, the image in my head was a real vision that I had of the goddess Dara walking into my home wearing a beautiful black dress...strapless.

"Hey, Mac!"
"Hi, Dara."

She came over to me and gave me a hug. Suddenly, I saw her very tall, muscular, and overall intimidating boyfriend, Ray, come into the room.

"Wow, parking on this street is a bitch. They really should have valet."

Already, this guy seemed just SUPER.

"Ray, this is Mac. He invited us to the party."
"Hi, I'm Mike Maccabbi. Nice to meet you." I reached my hand out for him to shake it. He just kinda looked at me funny.

"Dara, let's go get some sodas."
"Sounds good. Let's do it."
"Oh, and uh, Jack, thanks for inviting us."
"It's Mac." Unfortunately, as I said it, they were already walking away.

Why is it that girls always choose the biggest jerks to be their boyfriends? I mean, can't they choose guys that are both good-looking AND good guys? I'm BOTH OF THOSE THINGS!!!

A couple weeks before, Dara and I had this moment. It was a strange moment, and went a little something like this:

"I want my pants back!"
"Well, you're not gonna get them!"

Oh, sorry. I really need to stop reflecting on my time with Carrie Wilcox.

The moment actually went like THIS:

"Your girl is real lucky to have someone as sweet as you are. Most guys aren't."
"I guess I come from a rare breed."
"If only it wasn't such a rare breed."
"If only, if only."

What went wrong? A moment like that shoulda given me gold!
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Well, it was approximately 11:58. I was sitting on my couch, not even enjoying my own New Years' Blowout. I was already on my third Diet Coke.

Suddenly, this girl sat down on the couch as well. This girl was hot, and I hadn't ever seen her before. I decided it wouldn't hurt to say something.

"How's it going?"
"I'm okay. A little bored, this party is kinda lame."

I pretended not to hear that. It wan't lame. It was an AWESOME PARTY!

"So who are you? I haven't seen you before."
"I came here with my friend Jenny who is here with her boyfriend Brian."

Thank you, B!

"I'm Mike Maccabbi. You can call me Mac."
"Nice to meet you, Mac."

11:59

"Hey, the countdown has begun, I guess."

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"Yeah, it seems like it has. You know, this is the worst part about this holiday."
"It really is. It's like the lonliest time of the year."

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"Yeah, no one ever seems to want to kiss me at midnight."
"Yeah, for some reason it's just never happened for me before."

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"Really?"
"Yeah, never."
"How can that be?"
"I don't know."

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HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

And as I heard these words on that fateful midnight, I found myself not saying it...because my mouth was preoccupied in the act of making out with the girl. The thing is, we were making out until even after midnight. We made out probably until 12:02 or 12:03!

Once the chaos stopped, I heard my midnight kisser say to me:

"I've heard things about you."
"Like what?"

She kissed me again.

"I hear you are quite the womanizer."

And she kissed me again.

"Really. You've heard that?"
"I hear that you know how to have fun."

She kissed me once again.

"Apparently, you too know how to have fun."

We were rolling around on the couch for a little bit before she said:

"I really have to go now. Happy New Year. I'll see you around."

She gave me one more long kiss and left. Just like that; no phone number or anything...come to think of it, I didn't even get her name!

How do you explain that? I just had one of the best hook-ups I've ever had...and I didn't even get her name!!! Talk about ironic.

Anyhow, it seems that the party wasn't a bust afterall. Even if Dara was making out with her jerk-boyfriend, at least I got to make out with...uh, what's-her-face!

Sincerely,
Mac-Attack