A Purim Play in the Life of the Mac-Attack

Over the past month, ever since Rabbi Moon was hired to be the associate rabbi at Temple Beth Zion, things in the office had been really tense. My dad had gotten extremely paranoid to the point that he would start sweating every time a phone call would go through.

"Rabbi Maccabbi's office; this is Michael speaking."
"Oh my God! Who is it? Is it bad? Do I still have a job?"
"It's the pizza delivery guy. He wants to know whether to bring the pizzas to the front desk or to your office."

He sighed in relief.

"He can bring them straight to the office. I'm starving."

It was Wednesday when this exchange happened. All week, we had been working late to prepare for Purim, the Jewish holiday in which we celebrate a queen named Esther who saved the Jews from an evil guy named Haman with the help of her uncle, Mordecai.

"Okay, so I want you and Josh to assign some parts to the Senior Staff members for the Purim play."

Our Religion/Education Officer, Josh Mauer, had proposed we start a theatre troup sponsored by USY. As USY President, it was my job to oversee the project, so when Josh sent me the script the previous week, I started working right away. He would be the artistic director and we would collaborate on the casting.


"We'll talk about it when he gets here shortly, and then we'll address it again at the board--"
"I...have arrived."

He always knew how to make an entrance...he also always knew how to make it obvious that he was a flaming homosexual.

"Meeting." I said, finishing my sentence.
"Hi, Josh."
"Bonjourno, Rabbi."
"We were just discussing you."
"Well, what's not to discuss? I'm fabulous!"
"You certainly are--can we get to work?"
"All work and no play? Seriously, Mac-Attack, how do you live?"
"I eat, I sleep, I shit, and I breathe."

Josh began laughing hysterically at my comment. He also began touching my arm in a way that made me uncomfortable. My dad gave me a strange look before sneaking out of the office and leaving me alone with Josh.

"Ahem."
"Okay. Sorry. So, did you have any suggestions?"
"Actually, my dad just suggested that we assign some roles to the Senior Staff. Now I think--"
"But I thought I was gonna be the star."

I was annoyed by the fact that Josh interrupted me.

"Josh, if you'd like the role of Mordecai--"
"Mordecai isn't the lead!"
"He's a bigger role than the king, Josh, and he's a great character."

He gave me a look of disgust.

"I think that I'm entitled to play Esther."
"The queen?"
"Positively. I feel like I can easily identify with her."

Well, I couldn't argue with that statement...both of them were queens.

"Uh...okay. With you being Esther, who would you like to play your Uncle Mordecai?"
"Well, the obvious choice for Mordecai is Rabbi Maccabbi."
"Alright, cool. My dad will be pleased. Now we need a villain. Is there a Haman in mind?"
"Actually, there is. It might be fun to have Rabbi against Rabbi."

He was suddenly silent. It was clear that he was fantasizing about Rabbi Moon.

"Uh...Josh?"
"Oh, sorry. I was just--thinking."
"I'm sure you were. Anyway, so we're gonna go ahead and cast Rabbi Moon as Haman?"
"Oh yeah. That'll be good."

He began to daydream again. I will be honest and say that all the estrogen in the room made me a bit nauseous. I'm not a homophobe, but it can be a little much sometimes.

"Uh, so since you're playing Esther the Queen, who would you like to have as your king?"

Quite frankly, I was surprised he didn't want Rabbi Moon to be King Ahashverosh.

"Well, I'd like another USYer in there. You're brother is into performing arts, right?"
"Yeah. Darrin is in choir."
"No, not Darrin. Your other brother."
"JT?"
"Yeah. He has such good fashion sense."
"I suppose he does...that's a really random reason."
"But a reason nonetheless."
"Uh, okay then. Well, look at the time. I think we should join the rest of the board in the conference room now."

I got up quickly and we walked to the conference room. It was a short walk, but listening to Josh talk about the mens' figure skating finals made the walk seem longer.

"And then Evan Lysacek won the gold and it was magical."
"Isn't that special? Hello, fellow board members."

I spoke with a sense of urgency as all of my devoted board members sat down at the table.

"Okay, so the Purim play is this weekend. Josh and I have cast the show and will be holding rehearsals tomorrow and Friday. We need a couple volunteers to run lights and sound."
"Not me, Macko. The Italians and the theatre don't mix!"

Tony Abromi always had a way with talking out of his ass.

"I hope you know that the anicient Romans originated the art of Mime."
"Who asked you, Toots?"
"Do not call me Toots."

Tony had hooked up with Amanda Braun back in September. Since then (actually, even before then), the two enjoyed getting into pointless arguments about Tony's Italian heritage.

"That's enough, you two. Tony, you will run lights. Amanda, you will assist him."
"What?"
"Now it's a party."
"Mac, with all due respect, I--"
"No argument. You two will be working lights. Now, we need someone to work sound."
"I can do it."

Sharon Stone was definitely one of the more reliable members on our board.

"Thank you, Sharon. That just leaves me and Ben to work backstage."
"I meant to ask you about that, Mac. What exactly does that entail?"
"We'll be the stage managers. Our job is to make sure the show is running smoothly."
"That doesn't sound like much fun."
"We get to wear cool headsets."
"Count me in! I'll be the best damn Stage Manager you've ever seen!"

He was suddenly excited, and I was happy about the general enthusiasm that everyone had.

"So, Mackie boy, who's a-playin' who?"
"Tony, I'm glad you asked. Josh and I put our heads together and decided that the king would be played by my brother JT, Haman would be played by Rabbi Moon, and Mordecai will be played by my dad."
"And the queen?"
"That would be me."

He took a bow with excitement. Everybody looked at me with disgust.

"That's, uh, a pretty good cast you got there, Macko."
"Thank you, Tony."
"Actually, I had a suggestion."
"Okay. What do you suggest?"
"I think we should switch it so that Rabbi Moon is playing Mordecai and Rabbi Maccabbi is playing Haman."

My dad playing the villain? No way. Not in a million years.

"If I may ask, Sharon, why make the change?"
"I just see Rabbi Moon as more of a Mordecai."
"Sharon, Mordecai is Esther's uncle. The guy can't even grow a mustache for crying out loud!"
"I'm just saying that I see Rabbi Maccabbi as more of a Haman than a Mordecai."

Suddenly, everyone began agreeing. Even Ben was nodding his head, and he had known my dad for years. There's a lot I can say about my dad, and the one thing I cannot say is that he is a Haman.

"You know, Mac, I kinda like that. Sorta an "out with the old, in with the new" sort of thing."

Obviously, Josh forgot that Rabbi Maccabbi is related to me, Michael Maccabbi. Knowing the stress in my father's life due to the addition to Rabbi Moon, I figured the last thing he needed was to be presented as a villain in front of the entire synagogue.

I chose not to tell him about it until I got a chance to speak with Ben about the situation the next day at school.

"I think you're overreacting, Mac-Attack. It's just a part in a play. Did everyone hate Robin Williams after he played the bad guy in August Rush?"
"I never saw August Rush."
"You really should. Hey, maybe we can rent it this weekend!"
"Ben."

He remembered the task at hand.

"Sorry. The point is, maybe your dad would enjoy playing Haman. I mean, the villain would be a fun role to be. Imagine how much fun Robin Williams had in August Rush."
"I just told you I never saw that movie."
"That's a tragedy in itself. Freddie Highmore won a Saturn Award for it."
"What the fuck is a Saturn Award?"
"No idea. It's on IMDB, though."
"You're an idiot."

That afternoon was the first rehearsal. I still had yet to tell my dad that he would be playing Haman. However, when I got to the synagogue, it was apparent that Rabbi Moon wasted no time getting into character.

"Hey, Michael! Do I look 'Mordecai' enough for you?"

He was wearing a fake beard. To be honest, he looked like a Class A tool.

"You look great, Rabbi. I love the beard!"
"I hoped you would. Where's your dad? It's gonna be epic between he and I."

As if on cue, I saw my father walk in.

"Hey, Haman!"

My father didn't seem to understand that Rabbi Moon was referring to him.

"Did you call me Haman?"
"Yes, yes he did."

I felt awkward.

"Dad, I'd like you to meet Mordecai. I suppose you'll be playing Haman."
"The villain?"
"It's a great role."

I felt uneasy.

"How much time do we have until rehearsal?"
"10 minutes."
"Great. Can I see you in my office?"

Without alotting me time to respond, he grabbed me by the shoulder and led me into his office.

"What are you doing to me, Michael?!"
"It wasn't me, Dad. It was the board."
"Don't you have any backbone?"
"Josh agreed too. He's the artistic director. I'm just the board president."
"And what about my board? Jerry Sternberg is gonna have a field day when he sees that Rabbi Moon is the hero? As for me, my son, I'm the villain. The villain!"

He sunk down into his chair and began to cry. As soon as I saw the tears on his face, I decided that it was just too much. I went straight to his desk and got in his face.

"Art thou not an actor?"
"I'm not an actor...I'm a rabbi."

I then decided that I would try to motivate him using tough love.

"Alright, Big Al. Get off your ass! Now!"

He gave me a strange look. I had never spoken to him that way, and while it would've been motivational in any circumstance...he was my dad. I totally violated Exodus 20:12!

"Uh, sorry."
"No, I quite enjoyed being verbally abused by my son. Please, continue."

His sarcasm was as sharp as ever.

"Listen, Dad, it really is just a role in a play. Plus, it could be fun. I mean, you did theatre in high school, right? Didn't you ever play the villain?"

He thought for a second before speaking again.

"Actually, I played Iago when we did 'Othello'."
"And did everyone hate you for it?"
"No."
"So do you think people will hate you for playing the villain? People embrace their villains. I mean, nobody hated Robin Williams when he was the villain in August Rush!"
"I never saw that movie."
"Neither did I...did anyone see that movie?"
"I'm sure some people saw it."

As this tangent went on, I realized we were five minutes late for rehearsal.

"Shit! Uh, I mean--shoot. We have to get to rehearsal."

With my motivation, my father soon embraced his role as Haman and began to have some fun with it. It's a funny thing about acting. Once you're into character, you actually become that character. When I looked at the stage, I didn't see Al Maccabbi; I saw Haman, the Jew-Hating Exterminator and confindante to King Ahashverosh. And Rabbi Moon was an amazing Mordecai. Sitting at an audience perspective, it was very easy to root for Rabbi Moon over my dad...which could've easily been a problem.

The next day, before rehearsal, I confronted JT about the situation.

"It's just a role in a play, Michael."
"I know, I know. But he's so paranoid about Rabbi Moon. I think he may be on to something."
"They can't do anything right now. His contract isn't even up for negotiation until May."
"Still, you never know what goes on behind closed doors."
"He's doing a great job, Michael. I think you should just let him have his moment. I, for one, am enjoying every minute of this!"

He looked back and saw Josh. The two exchanged smiles.

"So, like I was saying, don't worry about this. The show must go on and Dad will be the most fabulous Haman that ever lived. It's gonna be delicious."
"As delicious as puke."

I walked away and saw Ben stuffing his face with hamantashen, a traditional pastry that is always eaten on Purim.

"This is the best part of Purim."
"Somehow, I'm not in the mood for hamantashen."

Ben was taken aback.

"How can you say such a thing? It's hamantashen! The official baked good of Purim!"
"Good advertising."
"What's your mood? Aren't you excited about our headsets."
"Very. But I realized yesterday that this play is gonna come across to people as 'Rabbi Moon=Hero/Rabbi Maccabbi=Zero'!"
"Aren't you being overdramatic?"
"Okay, watch today's rehearsal closely and tell me you don't see it. I found myself rooting against my own father yesterday!"
"Well, this sounds serious."
"You think?"

My dad skipped into rehearsal in high spirits, excited to take the stage.

"What have I done, Ben?"
"You've given him a role that he's proud of, Mac. I say you let him go on. I think you're just overreacting to the situation."

Maybe I was. Maybe I was all worked up for nothing. Actors play heroes and villains all the time. Hell, John Leguizamo played Tybalt in "Romeo & Juliet" and also played Sid in "Ice Age". My father was just acting, as was Rabbi Moon. There was no possible way that the board wouldn't see it that way.

The next night was the night of the performance. Members from Temple Beth Zion flooded in. Before the show started, I was asked to say a few words for the crowd.

"Hello, everyone."

There was some applause.

"I hope you all enjoy our play. I'm sure you'll recognize quite a few of the faces that you'll be seeing on stage tonight. Before we begin, I'd like to thank our youth director, Maryl, who sponsored this event. I'd also like to thank both the rabbis for their participation. Their involvement in the production has been huge for our USY Program. I'd also like to acknowledge Tony and Amanda up in the light booth as well as Sharon who is working the sound board. That's all I have to say. Enjoy the show!"

There was another round of applause as the curtain opened. The opening scene was an exchange between JT and my dad (the king and Haman).

"Now that I have bannished my wife, Vashti, by means of a royal divorce, what do you think I should do?"
"Have a party! You're single now!"
"Besides that, Haman. I need a queen. Someone who is 1000 times better than that vile woman whom with I once shared marital relations."

It was now that the audience started rolling on the floor with laughter.

"Yoo-hoo. King Ahashverosh! I can be your queen!"
"Well, hello. Who might you be?"
"Call me Esther."
"Maybe I can call you my wife."

The audience continued to laugh hysterically at the "romantic" exchange.

"I'd be honored, your majesty."
"Call me Ahashverosh."

There was more hooting and hollering and even some cat-calls as the two actors were moving closer.

"I'll call you my husband."

They moved even closer.

"Sounds like a plan...Esther."

I suddenly realized what was happening.

"Shit! Pull the curtain down!!!"
"Why?"
"Because they aren't acting! Just do it!"

The curtain came down as the two love-birds were about to smooch. The audience laughed, for they assumed that it was just an illusion.

"Why'd you close the curtain?"
"To keep up the illusion. That was highly inappropriate. It wasn't even in the script!"
"It was in our script."
"You guys rewrote the play?"
"Back in Shakesperian times, men always played the leading lady."
"And they kissed?"
"Why wouldn't they?"
"Because it's gross."

I couldn't tell if the two of them were gay or just really passionate actors.

"It's not gross to us."

That answered my question. They were definitely gay.

"Well, this has been...educational."
"Mac, we need to open the curtain and get the next scene going."
"Okay. JT and Josh, you are both great actors. However, I am asking you to not kiss on stage."
"Okay, fine."
"I'll just have to meet you after the show, Josh."
"Do what you have to do. But get on stage. Now!"

The next scene was between Esther and Mordecai.

"Hello, Uncle."
"Hello, Neice. How are you?"
"I am well. I just got married."
"Mazel Tov."

Suddenly, Haman entered.

"Does this man mean to harm you, fair Queen?"
"Not at all, good astrologer. This man is my uncle."
"Uncle?"
"How do you do? Mordecai is the name."
"He must be an imposter, your highness. This man is a Jew."

The audience started booing at Haman, as they likely would during Purim.

"And I'm not sure if you've heard, but I recently decreed that all Jews will be killed. Including this man, your supposed Uncle Mordecai."
"No! You can't!"
"I can. I'm the king's right-hand man, you see."
"Not so fast!"

The king appeared.

"Haman, by the power of my royal highness, I sentence you to death!"

The audience began to cheer as the gallows were brought out onto the stage. The play ended with a black-out as Haman stepped into the noose.

After the show, the whole cast, as well as me and Ben, were getting all sorts of praise. Josh and JT were getting the most praise for the "illusion" that they presented on stage.

At the after-party, there were all types of foods and sodas. My twin brother Darrin approached me to discuss our younger brother's performance.

"So...it wasn't exactly acting, was it?"
"Nope. I think they are an item."

We immediately saw JT and Josh leave the room together. Darrin raised his glass.

"To the happy couple."
"Cheers."

I looked over my shoulder to see that my dad and Rabbi Moon were posing for a picture together. Afterwards, Jerry Sternberg, the synagogue president, approached the two of them.

"Fantastic performances to both of you."
"Thanks, Jerry."
"Yeah, it was a lot of fun."
"It looked like a lot of fun. Perfect casting too."

He paused.

"It was almost...believable."

He walked away, and my dad's good mood evaporated.

"What do you think he meant by that, Michael?"
"I'm not sure."

I looked at my father and then at Darrin.

"But I have a feeling that it isn't good."

My father's facial expression displayed the same paranoia that I had seen on his face since Rabbi Moon was first hired. It wasn't a facial expression that I enjoyed seeing. At that moment, I had a strange feeling that I would be seeing that facial expression consistently for quite a while thereafter.

Sincerely,
Mac-Attack