Saturday, January 30, 2010

The New Rabbi in the Life of the Mac-Attack

"Michael, we need a good program for this weekend. Any suggestions?"

I was slow to answer Maryl, my youth director/mother of my ex-girlfriend Melinda.

"Michael?"

I snapped out of my day-dream immediately.

"Uh, sorry. Just a lot on my mind."

In retrospect, there really wasn't a whole lot on my mind. To be honest, I just wasn't paying much attention.

"Listen, I know it might be weird for you to be around me now that you and my daughter are no longer seeing each other, but I am still your youth director and you are still the president of TBZ USY. If you wanna talk about something, I'm still willing to listen."
"Thanks. It's nothing really."
"Well, my office door is always open. Now, back to what I was saying: we need a good program for this weekend."
"Well, it's the first event of the semester, so it needs to be good."
"You think I don't know that?"
"Well, we should probably think about the events that have been successful in the past."
"We've never had an event that wasn't successful, Michael. Take your pick."

I thought for a moment. We needed a real kick-ass event to start the semester off. Between you and me, we were in a major competition with Congregation Am Yisrael of Tempe. They had at least 50 more members than we did and were quickly growing. In the past year, Temple Beth Zion hadn't grown much in the way of youth; it had really just stayed the same. But with all the seniors (like myself) that would be graduating this year, we needed to start growing. We needed to start growing fast.

"Bowling."
"Bowling?"

Ben's tone of voice showed a slight indifference to the idea.

"Why not?"
"We're trying to expand our programming in order to build an even bigger chapter...and you came up with bowling?"
"Okay, ask Tara Hudson. She'll tell you that there are three events that, while cliche, always work: Ice Skating, Pottery Painting, and Bowling."
"Why didn't you choose the other two?"
"Because nobody wants to go ice skating when the weather outside is cold as it is...and pottery painting is really gay."
"I suppose I'd agree with you on both counts."
"We can definitely figure out a good marketing strategy for this."
"It's Sunday, Mac. The event is on Saturday. In case you didn't realize it, we don't have much time for an intense marketing campaign."
"I'll figure it out tonight and I'll talk to Tony tomorrow about getting the word out."
"What did you have in mind?"

To be honest, I had no clue. I was desperate to get people to come to the event and I didn't think that saying "Hey, you! Come bowling!" would be a good advertisement.

I decided to ask my dad for advice on the subject when I was working for him the next day.

"I had a marketing director for that type of stuff, Michael. I don't know anything about advertising."
"Great."
"Good morning, Rabbi Maccabbi. Hi, Michael."

Rabbi Joseph Moon, the newly hired associate rabbi, entered the office.

"Joe, I hope you know that it's 3:30 in the afternoon."
"Uh, yeah. Sorry, Rabbi Maccabbi."
"No need to apologize. And please call me Al."

He was kinda a strange guy. He was always sucking up to my father. I'm pretty sure that if my father was a complete asshole, he would've treated Rabbi Moon as the Egyptians treated the slaves. I'm also certain that Rabbi Moon wouldn't have minded it.

"Have you ever done any marketing, Rabbi Moon?"
"I worked for my high school's newspaper."
"Well, there's this USY event this weekend and I only have five days to get the word out."

He thought for a second.

"I was a USYer when I was your age. It's been years since I've been to an event."

I was suddenly hit with an ingenius marketing campaign.

"Rabbi Moon, how would you like to attend our USY event on Saturday night? Have you ever bowled before?"
"I love bowling! I used to hang around the Lucky Strike in L.A. every weekend when I was in college."
"Awesome. Then I'll see you in the Youth Lounge on Saturday night around 7."
"Sounds great!"

He left the office enthusiastically.

"There's something very odd about that man."
"Yeah, whateva."

I e-mailed our communications officer, Tony Abromi, to get the flyers sent out. The flyer said this:


TO ALL TBZ USYers, GRADES 7-12

COME ONE, COME ALL

THERE'S A NEW RABBI IN TOWN AND HE'S READY TO SHOW YOU WHAT HE'S MADE OF

SO SEE IF YOU CAN WIN AGAINST RABBI MOON

IF YOU DO, YOU'LL GET A $5 DISCOUNT


"Sounds like an offer they can't refuse."
"I hope so."

Saturday night came really quickly. I was pleased to see the great turn-out we had. 122 USYers, including 12 seventh graders, 15 eighth graders and 21 freshman. I could feel our chapter growing already.

"Wow, this was a great idea. One question."
"Sure."
"Where's Rabbi Moon?"

It was a valid question. It was already 5 after 7, and Rabbi Moon was nowhere to be found. Suddenly, people started asking questions.

"Is this a scam?"
"Why did you lie to us?"
"Will there be any free food?"

It started getting out of control. Suddenly, Maryl got a call on her cell phone and I was literally alone with 122 anxious teenagers.

"Okay, sounds good. Alright. Buh bye."

When she was done on the phone, she pulled me aside.

"Rabbi Moon is right outside."
"And he's not coming in because--"
"He thinks it would be cool if we introduced him."
"You mean like they do at football games?"
"Exactly!"

Maryl seemed very excited about it. I thought it was just plain weird. Still, I obliged.

"Ladies and Gentlemen, may I have your attention please?"

I then grabbed a chair and stood up on it.

"It is my pleasure to introduce the man of the hour. His sermons are interactive and he can read any torah portion on the spot. Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you Rabbi Joseph Moon!"

There was some applause as the rabbi ran into the youth lounge, high-fiving all the USYers. He looked as if he had just jumped out of a bowling magazine. He was wearing a bowling shirt, jeans, and bowling shoes. His hair was slicked back and it seemed that he probably would've danced for everyone if there had been music playing upon his entrance.

"Wow. He is really cool!"
"You don't find it somewhat odd that he wanted a grand entrance?"
"But just look at how everyone is responding. They love him!"
"I guess."

Just then, the rabbi approached me.

"Wasn't that great?"
"Oh yeah, it was a blast."

I doubted that he sensed my sarcasm.

"I'm looking forward to getting to that bowling alley. I don't mean to brag, but I'm very good at bowling."
"I'll bet you are."

I really wasn't very interested.

"So when are we heading over there?"
"As soon as the busses get here."
"We're taking busses?"
"Yes."
"Sweet! I just know all you USYers are gonna keep me young!"

Out of nowhere, Rabbi Moon gave me a big hug. I felt quite uncomfortable.

"Um...thank you?"

After about two minutes, I heard Maryl's voice.

"Busses are here!"
"Oh thank God."

I broke away from Rabbi Moon's hold and sprinted to the busses. I sighed with relief when Ben sat down next to me.

"You have no idea how happy I am to be sitting with you and not--"
"Is this seat behind you taken?"

It took everything I had not to scream with annoyance. It was the longest 10-minute bus ride I had ever taken. Rabbi Moon spent the whole ride chewing my ear off about his time in Rabbinical School and how amazing he thinks my dad is. I had never been happier to see a bowling alley in my entire life.

All the lanes of the bowling alley were filled by TBZ USYers. Ben and I teamed up against a couple cute girls that we barely knew. However, our game was interrupted by someone. Yes, you guessed it. Rabbi Moon interrupted.

"Wow, Michael and Ben, you guys are quite the ladies' men."

The cute girls proceeded to walk away.

"Thank you. Thank you so much."

I walked away as well, leaving Ben alone with the rabbi.

"Hey, Michael."

I turned around to see Melinda. I hadn't talked to her all week, not since we had our last kiss on her driveway the week before.

"Hi. How are you?"

For whatever reason, it was still a little awkward to be around her. I tried my best to keep the tension down, but I couldn't help but feel weird around her.

"I'm good. This was a great event idea."
"Was it?"

I sat down, suddenly drained of energy. She sat down next to me.

"Are you okay?"
"Oh, I'm just peachy. Rabbi Moon is about to drive me crazy, but I'm doing good."
"He's really that annoying?"
"He's more annoying. I don't know why he has to annoy me. There's 122 other kids that he could just-as-easily bother!"
"Maybe he's sucking up to you."
"What?"
"Think about it. Your dad is his supervisor and his mentor. He knows that your dad didn't want an associate rabbi to begin with. Maybe he feels that if he is really nice to you, you'll convince your dad that having an associate rabbi isn't that bad."
"It makes sense. What can I do about it?"

She thought for a moment.

"Challenge him."
"Come again."
"The flyer said that anyone who can beat Rabbi Moon in a game can get $5 off."
"Okay. There's just one problem."
"What's that?"
"I'm horrible at bowling!"
She got the look on her face that she always gets when she's getting an idea.

"Remember when we were little and our parents would take us to the bowling alley all the time?"
"Yeah. Good times."
"Well, over the years, I developed into an excellent bowler. I'll give you a quick tutorial game to prepare you for your game against Rabbi Moon."

It sounded like a long-shot, but I had no objections. Melinda grabbed a bowling ball for me and began studying my stance. It was as if I was a stage actor and she was my director, giving me notes on how to improve. By the end of the game, I was pulling strikes out of my ass and it looked good.

"Attention, TBZ USY: You have time for one more game!"

Melinda looked at me.

"It is time."

I approached Rabbi Moon.

"I'd like to challenge you, Rabbi."
"You're on, Michael. Let's do it."

We each grabbed bowling balls. The silence was intense as we prepared.

He went first. He bowled two strikes in a row to start the game. I was suddenly nervous as I got into my stance.

"You can do it, Michael."

The words of my ex-girlfriend encouraged me. I closed my eyes and bowled a strike. There was some applause. The rest of the game was basically like that. Everytime he would bowl a strike, I would do the same. Every time he bowled a spare, I did the same. The scores were pretty even throughout the whole game. Both of us were getting worn out.

"One more ball, Michael."
"Bring it on."

The rabbi took his stance and hurled the ball down the lane and knocked all but two pins down. When he got back into his stance, he knocked both down for a spare.

I took a deep breath before taking my stance. The silence was deafening.

I closed my eyes and threw my ball down the lane. I heard it hit the pins, but I kept my eyes shut until I heard a huge roar of applause from my fellow USYers. I opened my eyes and saw that all the pins were knocked down. I won the game.

"Yeah!"
Everyone from USY came running toward me and mauled me. Somewhere in the crowd was Melinda, my coach. I looked at her and smiled for about two seconds before I was carried out of the bowling alley by all my fellow USYers. I felt like Rudy!

Once outside, I approached Rabbi Moon and shook his hand.

"Good game, Rabbi."
"Correction. Great game."

The bus ride back to TBZ was quiet. I was so worn out from the game that I didn't feel much like talking. I was proud of myself, though. It was the same feeling that I had after our basketball team beat Team Vegas on the first night of Hanukkah.

I got home late last night, but I saw my father sitting in the kitchen looking at what appeared to be pictures.

"Michael, you're home."
"What are you doing?"
"Looking at baby pictures. Pull up a chair."

There was one of me and my twin brother Darrin wearing sailor suits.

"You couldn't have had us wearing Army uniforms? The Navy is such a sausage-fest."

My dad gave me a weird look before speaking.

"It's really hitting me that you guys are off to college next year."
"Well, Darrin's gonna be at ASU."
"And you're gonna be in Gainseville. It's a long way from home."
"I know."
"I'm gonna miss you, son."
"I'm gonna miss you too."

It got quiet before he spoke again.

"So, was Rabbi Moon a good bowler?"
"Not as good as me. I beat him."
"Very good."
It was quiet again.

"He's not so bad. I mean, he's a little annoying, but I think he's a nice guy."
"I never said he wasn't a nice guy. It's just that--"

He stopped in mid-sentence.

"Dad?"
"Never mind, Michael. It's probably nothing."

He got up from the table.

"Dad, what's on your mind?"
"Just a feeling I have. Don't worry about it."

He smiled.


"Goodnight then."
"Goodnight."

I wondered what my dad was thinking. It couldn't have been good, so I was naturally worried about him. I hoped that what he was feeling truly was nothing. I could only speculate that it had something to do with Rabbi Moon's presence at TBZ. That night, I made a promise to myself that I would keep an eye on Rabbi Moon and make sure that whatever he was doing, he wasn't doing anything to harm my father's position at the synagogue.

Sincerely,
Mac-Attack

Sunday, January 24, 2010

The Five Phases in the Life of the Mac-Attack

Saying that break-ups are hard is one of the biggest understatements anybody can make. Anyone who is alive, whether they've been in a relationship or not, can agree that break-ups are hard. It's not like anyone can say "Break-ups aren't as hard as people claim them to be" because the truth is that they are harder.

The thing is, the break-up alone isn't the hardest part. There are so many different aspects to relationships. I generally refer to them as the five phases:

Phase 1: The actual break-up
Phase 2: The initial shock
Phase 3: The depression
Phase 4: The confrontation
Phase 5: The acceptance

I had spent the first weeks following my break-up with Melinda going through Phases 1-3. I had been avoiding Phase 4 for about three weeks before she initiated it the other day:

"It's been three weeks. I still have a lot of stuff that you left at my house. I spent last weekend organizing it and getting the stuff put in boxes. Clothes, a toothbrush, a razor, stuff like that."
"I have some stuff of your's as well. I haven't looked through any of it, but I'm sure it's all in my room."
"If you could organize the stuff for me and bring it by my house this weekend, that would be great."
"I can come by on Saturday night."
"Saturday night sounds good. I guess I'll see you then."
"I guess so."

This exchange happened on the Thursday of that week, so I had two days to organize all of her stuff to bring to her. I figured I could do it all on Friday. Afterall, how much of her stuff could she have possibly left?

"Wow, that's a lot of womens' clothing. I thought JT was the gay one."

My twin brother Darrin was referring to the mountain of Melinda's clothes that were in my room. Seriously, the pile could compete with Mount Everest for the tallest peak in the world!

"They aren't my clothes, dumb-crap. They're Melinda's."
"Wow, I didn't realize she kept so many of her clothes here."
"I didn't realize she spent so much time here."
"I think the whole family can vouch for how much time she spent here."

To be funny, my brother decided to do a really bad impression of what an orgasm sounds like.

"How much bad porn do watch?"
"I get bored really easily."
"Clearly."

I stared at the mountain of her clothes. Pajamas, jeans, shirts, skirts, and even some really sexy lingerie. Suddenly, the intimate memories of being with her came rushing back to me. The time that really stuck out in my mind was the first time we made love. She wore this sexy black lace set as she lured me up the stairs. I remembered all the soft, yet passionate kisses that we shared under the covers at both my place and her's. The thought of her skin made me wanna cry. The memory of what her lips tasted like made me wanna shoot myself for breaking up with her. Still, I knew it was the smart thing to do. I knew that the pain couldn't possibly last much longer...could it?

"Do you want a laundry bag or something?"

I was suddenly snapped back into the present situation.

"Yeah. Thanks."

Darrin left the room and returned with a laundry bag a few minutes later.

"Hey, Michael?"
"Yeah?"
"For what it's worth, I think you were the best version of you when you were with Melinda. We all thought so."

I had a hard time speaking. I felt I would cry any minute now.

"Thanks, man" were the only words that could come out of my mouth.

He left the room and I felt my knees hit the ground as I started to bawl my eyes out. I could barely see because my eyes were so full of tears. I didn't know how to handle myself and I was really losing it. After about ten minutes, I realized that this was me regressing back to Phase 3, and that was definitely something I didn't need to do. Somehow, I managed to get myself together and I began to throw the clothes into the bag. I guess I didn't feel the need to fold the clothes because I was sure Melinda would wash them anyway. When the bag was full, there were still some clothes on the ground. I grabbed another laundry bag and threw the rest of the clothes in there before checking my bathroom for anything she may have left in there. I looked through the drawers and found a toothbrush of her's. I also found a box of condoms that I had bought the week before we broke up.

"Serves me right to have bought a 30-pack! Damn you, Costco!"

I put her toothbrush in a plastic bag and put it with the other stuff. I took the stuff downstairs to load it into my car when there was suddenly a knock on the door.

"Feeling a little depressed?"

Not only was Ben at the door, but Ari "Mohawk" Barnes, an old USY friend from Tucson, was with him.

"Mohawk?"
"Hi ya, Mac-Attack!"

He hugged me. We hadn't seen each other since the camping trip back in September.

"Mohawk? You're here?"
"Yeah, I was due for a vacation. Plus, I'm touring ASU tomorrow. I figured I'd make a trip out of it."

I looked at Ben, still in disbelief.

"I can't believe you're actually here, Mohawk."

My two friends were still standing outside.

"You gonna invite us in or are we subject to stand out here in the cold all night?"
"Oh, yeah. Sorry. Come on in."

They did so and we all sat down in the living room. My mother, who hadn't seen Mohawk since he stayed with us during freshman year, entered the room.

"Ari Barnes, as I live and breathe."
"Hi, Mrs. Maccabbi."

He got up and gave my mother a bear hug. She didn't really know how to react; she was never a big fan of Mohawk. Neither was my father, who also entered the room.

"Ari?"
"Hi, Mr. Maccabbi."
"It's actually 'Rabbi' now."

Mohawk shook my father's hand, embarassed for not having known he had become a rabbi.

"To what do we owe the pleasure?"
"We're here to cheer up Mac, Rabbi."
"I was really just questioning why Ari is here."
"I'm visiting ASU tomorrow. I talked to Ben last week about seeing the two of them while I was in town."
"Well, that's uh, very nice of you. Please excuse us."

My parents left the room. About two minutes later, we all began laughing.

"So you're parents still can't stand me."
"Yeah, they never really warmed up to you."
"Eh, whatever. I'm used to it."

We all laughed. Having my two friends at my house was making me feel a lot better, but I suddenly didn't wanna be at home.

"Okay, we have got to leave this house."
"I agree. Where do you wanna go?"
"Anywhere."
"We can't go too far--I have to be in Tempe tomorrow."

I laughed.

"Anywhere in this general area."
"Let's just go to By the Slice and grab a pizza."
"We are always at By the Slice, Ben."
"Well, I've never been to By the Slice, Mac."
"It's not that great."

Ben was offended by my comment.

"Not that great? How could you say such a thing? It's the best restauraunt on this planet! Why I oughta--"
"Ben! Calm down. We can go to By the Slice."

Ben sighed.

"Thank you."

We got a pretty good table when we got there, and I was wrong about the pizza not being that great. I don't know what I was thinking when I said that.

"This pizza is delicious. Sorry about what I said before, Ben."
"You're forgiven."

As I took another slice, the question that I'd been dreading all night was finally asked.

"So, how are you doing right now? I mean, with the break-up and all."
"I don't really wanna talk about that right now, Mowhawk."
"Okay. Sorry I brought it up."

It was quiet for a minute or two before I began to speak again.

"I had to gather all the stuff that she left at my house today."

Neither Ben nor Mowhawk spoke. They obviously thought I had more to say.

"I'm going to her house tomorrow night and we're gonna exchange all our stuff. I don't want to. Actually, I didn't want to break up with her."
"So why did you?"
"We're going to be seperated next year. I'm off to Florida, she's staying here. It makes sense to break up now instead of doing it down the road. I know I did the right thing, but that doesn't help me sleep at night."

I grabbed another slice of pizza.

"Hungry?"
"I'm eating my feelings."

Mohawk decided to pay for the pizza. I offered but he refused my money.
We left By the Slice around 9:00 with plenty of time to raise some hell around Phoenix. We ended up just cruising around for a couple hours, blasting the music in Ben's car and shouting random profanities out the window. It was one of those nights that we generally have when we got to California to see friends like Gahl Sinai and Max Altman. The best part was that it really took my mind off of things.
However, the next day would not be so easy. I slept as long as I possibly could that morning and ended up waking up around 11:00. I did whatever I could to stay busy all day. I started out by cleaning my room. Then I decided to clean my bathroom. Eventually, I was cleaning the entire house. I was even wearing rubber gloves!
"Hey, Consuela, you missed a spot."
"Up your's, Darrin."
"Someone's cranky."
"I'm just trying to clean the TV right now, Darrin. What do you want?"
"Why are you cleaning the TV?"
"It's dirty."
"Dare I ask what you plan to clean next?"
"The refrigerator magnets."
My brother gave me a WTF look before slapping me.
"Dude, what the fuck?"
"You need to snap out of it, Michael. You're losing it!"
"The only thing I'm losing is time. It's 5:00 and I want to get to the couch cushions before sundown."
"You've gotta be kidding me."
"I don't tell you how to live your life, Darrin!"
My brother was still giving me a weird look.
"Okay, what is with that look?"
"Obviously, you're trying to keep your mind off of Melinda right now."
"What of it? It's working."
"No it's not."
"Because you can read my thoughts?"
"I've seen you when you have a lot on your mind. You get frantic and go all OCD on everyone."
I then looked down at my rubber gloves and quickly removed them.
"Is that better?"
"Why yes."
"Anything else you'd like to council me on, Dr. Phil?"
"Yes."
"What's that?"
"Weren't you supposed to be at Melinda's by 6?"
"Yeah, it's only 5."
"The clock is slow. It's 5:35."
My face suddenly went into FML Mode.
"Shit, I gotta get dressed!"
"You can't wear what you're wearing?"
"I have to look good. I guarantee she's gonna look great."
"She always looks great."
"Exactly! I need to shower, I need to shave; maybe I need to get a haircut! I need--"
"Michael!"
"What?!"
"Start with the shower."
"Right."
I started heading up the stairs.
"And Michael?"
"What?"
"It's 5:45. You have 15 minutes."
"Shit!"
I was about ten minutes late to Melinda's. The sun was setting and it was starting to rain as I pulled into her driveway. I knocked on the door and melted at the sight of her. She was wearing a red blouse and jeans. For lack of a better term, she looked really hot.
"Hi."
"Hi. Come in."
I stepped into her house feeling eerie. It was weird to be around her without kissing her. Everytime I looked at her, there was a reminder that I couldn't kiss her. I felt uncomfortable and tense. I could tell she was feeling the same way.
"So, are your parents home?"
"They went up to Sedona for the weekend."
"That must be nice."
"Yeah, I'm sure they're having a good time."
It was silent again for a minute or two.
"So, what's new with you?"
"Nothing really. Senioritis is killing me."
"Tell me about it. I had a pile of homework this weekend and I haven't done any of it!"
We laughed a little bit about senioritis...and then it was silent again.
"It could take a while to go through all the stuff."
"Oh. You wanted to go through it?"
"Well, yeah. I wanted to make sure all your stuff is there."
"Okay."
I didn't know how to act around her. It had been so long since we weren't a couple that I forgot what it was like to just be friends with her. Of course, I don't know if we were exactly friends at this point, but still, I didn't know how to not be her boyfriend. I wondered if she was having the same difficulty that I was.
"So, uh, should we start looking through the stuff?"
"Yeah. Give me a sec, your stuff is still in the car."
I stepped outside in the now-pouring rain and began to pace.
"God damnit! Why does this have to be so fucking hard?"
I was pulling my hair as I paced around.
"Fuck! Why do we have to sit and go through the stuff? Why can't she just let me drop the stuff off and let me go in peace? Why, why why?"
"Because it's something that we have to do."
I turned around to see that Melinda was standing right there.
"But why do we have to do it? What's the point? Wasn't the break-up hard enough?"
"In my defense, you broke up with me."
"Huh?"
"You were the one who said that we should break up now and not later. I figured it was what you wanted."
"What I wanted?"
"Yeah. The signs were there, Michael. I mean, you decided to go to Florida over staying here with me. I figured that meant that you wanted to end things with me."
"Melinda, my decision to go to Florida had nothing to do with you. It had to do with the fact that I've wanted to go there my whole life. I shouldn't give up a dream on anyone's account."
"I would've done anything to stay with you."
"Bullshit, Melinda! Who was the one that initiated the talk three weeks ago about how we needed a deadline on our relationship? Do you have any idea how much it killed me inside to hear you say that?"
I heard the sound of thunder.
"Do you know how much it hurt me to be the one to end things with us? But I wouldn't have ended things with us if you hadn't suggested it first."
It continued to rain heavily as we stood there in silence. Thunder was heard as I looked into my ex-girlfriend's sad eyes. Lightning struck as she looked into mine. It seemed that there wasn't much else left to say.
"Would there even be any chance for us if we decided to stay together with no deadline?"
I looked at her. We were both crying.
"No. No, I don't think we would've lasted."
We both continued to cry in the pouring rain.
"At least you're honest."
"I always have been."
We were pretty close together at this point. I felt myself stroke her wet hair gently. She gripped my fingers tightly and I stopped. Our heads came together as we continued to cry. I was suddenly holding her the way I used to when we were together. It continued to rain on us as we just stood there, holding each other in silence. In any other circumstance, I would've trusted every single instinct of mine and kissed her right there and then...but I ignored my intuition and stopped myself.
"I can't do this. Please understand."
"I understand."
"It hurt too much the first time."
"I know."
I loosened my grip on her and she slowly broke away from my hold.
"Bring my stuff in and I'll grab your stuff for you."
"Okay."
I set the laundry bags down in her living room and set the plastic bag with her toothbrush on the kitchen counter. She entered the room with two boxes that I immediately took off her hands. She had folded all my clothes very nicely and had obviously washed them. Without a word, I started walking toward the front door and out into the rain. When I was loading the boxes into my car, I suddenly saw her running out the door and toward me. Very quickly, I closed my trunk and opened my arms for what would be the last time. We kissed as if nothing had changed between the two of us. We kissed as if we were still a couple, as happy as can be.
I ran my fingers through her hair as we kissed more passionately than we ever kissed the entire time we were together. It was comparable to the kiss we shared in the middle of the hospital parking lot the day my father had his heart attack. It was different, however, because it truly felt like a last kiss.
"I love you, Michael Maccabbi.I'll always love you. No matter where we go in life, I'll always love you."
"I love you too, Melinda."
We kissed once more and hugged. We were both crying again; it seemed to be the trend of the evening.
I got in my car and drove off in the rain. There was quite a bit on my mind as I headed home, but something that sticks out in my mind is the five phases.
Phase 1: The actual break-up
Phase 2: The initial shock
Phase 3: The depression
Phase 4: The confrontation
Phase 5: The acceptance
I had now moved past the first four phases, and while it could potentially have been the hardest thing I would ever experience, I knew that I could safely ease into Phase 5.
Sincerely,
Mac-Attack

Thursday, January 21, 2010

Moving Forward in the Life of the Mac-Attack

3 months, 1 week, and 5 days.


This was the exact amount of time that Melinda and I were together. Now, if you compare that to other relationships, it's not a real long time to be with someone. However, if you count our fling at the beginning of the year, we were actually together for 4 months, 2 weeks, and 1 day.


If you really wanted to push it, you could start the count at our first kiss. If you do that, you can
say we were together for 6 months, 1 week, and 3 days.

Of course, that's pushing it a lot. Being that during that time, we kissed once and spent three months being miserable without each other. The point I'm making is that, while we weren't together for an incredibly lengthy amount of time, it was forever to us. We'd known each other our entire lives, ever since we were infants at the Temple Beth Zion Pre-School. So, if you count the entire time we had known each other, we had been together for about 17 years.


It was Sunday, January 3, when we broke up. The next day was the first of the final semester of my senior year...and I missed it. Now, I could do what most people in my grade had been doing when they missed school: blame it on senioritis. However, I wasn't even thinking about the fact that I was a senior and didn't care. I was thinking about the fact that I ended the only relationship that I'd ever felt was worth fighting for. Sure, I've had relationships before...but most of them didn't last much longer than a night. Yes, I had Dara Karpen for about a month and a half during my junior year, and I had Carrie Wilcox for, well, longer than I'd like to say. I had Laura Sliverman for a short time last summer. There was no doubt in my mind that Rivka Pasternak would always be available if I ever needed to blow off some steam. I could sit and talk about my romantic history for days and days, but what it all comes down to is this: Melinda Moskowitz was, at that point, the single greatest woman I had come to love. In reality, she was the only one who I was truly in love with. She was definitely the only one who I was still in love with. At that point, she was the only one I wanted to love.


However, the reality had hit me more than once that all good things must come to an end. On January 3, our relationship ended. It wasn't easy dealing with it; her and I shared friends, walked past each other in the hallways, and were still in the same USY Chapter. Three weeks after the break-up, her and I hadn't spoken a single word to each other. That was the hardest part.


"Have you noticed that since you and Melinda broke up, there's been a lot of tension at school?"


My best friend Ben approached me as we were about to conduct practice for our USY Basketball team. I ignored his observation and tried to keep my mind on coaching.


"Chad, you need to be a little bit faster getting down the court. Those boys from L.A. are a lot quicker than the guys we have on defense right now."
"Sorry, Mac."

"Don't be sorry. Just keep it in the back of your mind. Let's run that play again. Defense, be a little quicker on your toes."


I blew my whistle.


"Mac, are you listening to me right now?"
"I'm hearing you, Coach. Right now, I need to help get our team prepared for the big game against L.A."
"That's not for another month, Mac. And how good could this team be? Jake Josephson is coaching them, and from what Gahl has told me, Jake hasn't been too focused."
"Well, I guess we'll have the advantage."


I blew my whistle again.


"Bring it in for a minute, guys."


The team approached us and took a knee.


"We have about fifteen minutes left. Here's what I want from you guys: get in your lines and take some lay-ups for the next ten minutes and then run your laps until I ask you to stop."


I blew my whistle.


"Get moving!"


They did as I asked them and Ben started talking again.


"Listen, Mac, it's not that I don't appreciate you throwing yourself into your work here. But you're calling three practices a week and the team is getting worn out. When we started this team, we agreed on having one practice every Sunday."
"Schuckman runs his team four times a week. And look at what happened when we played them: they were better-conditioned and much more well-rounded than any of our players. We're lucky we didn't leave that game with our tails between our legs."
"We won that game."
"And while winning a game in the final seconds is exciting for most, I am more interested in maintaining a steady lead throughout the game's entirety. I guarantee it's gonna be us and Team Vegas in the Passover Tournament Championship. I don't know about you, but I want them to be the ones fighting in the end."
"Whatever you say, Coach."


His tone was questionable, but I figured it would be best if I just continued running practice. Once the team was done running their laps, I sat them down.


"We have one month until we face Jake Josephson and the Los Angeles A-Team. We'll get to enjoy a nice break after that until the Passover Tournament in San Diego. We'll either face the A-Team again or we'll be playing Maccabbi San Diego. Yes, the teams in California have cool names, but don't let that distract you."


There were some chuckles.


"We will be representing all of Arizona in this tournament. And, from what I understand, Team Vegas will be at the tournament as well. Maccabbi San Diego traveled there over MLK Weekend to play an exhibition game...and they got their asses handed to them. I have no doubt that we'll be playing them in the championship. San Diego and Los Angeles are expected to be low-seed teams, so we'll be playing one of them in the first round. Keep in mind that Maccabbi San Diego will have home-court advantage, so in the event that we do play them, understand that there is a main goal."


Nobody responded.


"Beat them on their own turf!"


The team agreed.


"That's all I have to say. Ben, do you have anything to add?"
"Yes. I've decided to give you guys next week off. No practice until the following Sunday."
"What?"
"Hit the showers and have a great day!"


He blew his whistle and the players dispersed. It was just Ben and I standing on the court now.


"What the hell was that?"
"Mac, I'm the head coach of this organization. I understand you're upset about the whole Melinda thing right now, which is why I allowed you to take over the past couple of weeks. But our players have lives, you know."
"They should've thought about that before they joined the team."


Ben gave me a weird look.


"Okay, so maybe I've been taking it a little seriously. But it's been effective. The team is looking sharper than ever."
"They look tired to me, Mac. You said it yourself; they're slow on defense especially."
"It could've been an off-day."
"Mac!"
"What?"


Ben didn't look too happy. He actually looked quite iritated.


"Let's talk. It's been three weeks since you and Melinda broke up."


I nodded my head silently.


"It's been really tense at school."


I nodded again.


"Do you wanna stop nodding and say something?"


I nodded, this time to be funny.


"Seriously, Mac."
"What do you want me to say, Ben? Do you want me to say that I'm doing fine right now? Do you want me to say that I don't miss Melinda? Do you want me to say that I haven't had her on my mind every waking moment since we broke up? What do you want to hear, Ben?"


Ben suddenly had a smile on his face.


"That's what I wanted to hear. I wanted to be sure that you were feeling something."
"Of course I'm feeling something, Ben. I loved her--correction: I love her."
"And you broke up with her because--"
"Because it was the right thing to do. It was gonna happen eventually."
"But you're still sad about it."
"No, Ben, I'm actually really happy about it!"
"Okay, calm down. While I appreciate the sarcasm, it won't make you feel better."


Just then, Ben's girlfriend Sam walked onto the court, dressed back in her street clothes.


"Hey, Coaches. Great practice."


She had the smile on her face that she always did. Ben was a lucky guy.


"Thanks, baby."

They began to make out. They had been together for a little over a month, so they were a relatively new relationship. Genereally, I'd be happy for my best friend...but in my current state, seeing couples together just annoyed the crap out of me.


"Ahem."


The two abruptly stopped.


"Sorry."
"That's quite alright."
"Yeah, I forgot that we're not supposed to show PDA in front of you. It just turns me on so much when Ben is in coaching mode."


Ben began to tickle her playfully. Once again, I was getting annoyed.


"Listen, I'm sure you two lovebirds would like to be left alone right now."
"You sure you don't wanna join us over at By the Slice?"
"Nah, I'm good."
"Alright. I'll just see ya tomorrow."

I walked away and left the love-birds alone to discuss whatever it was that they were gonna talk about.


"Is he still doing pretty bad?"
"Yeah. And the worst part is that he won't talk. He's handling this by throwing himself into his coaching."
"I noticed. We've been having three practices a week. People have lives!"
"That's what I told him! Wow, you and me are perfect for each other!"
"I know. Let's make out!"
"Okay!"


The next day at school was long. All the days had been long lately. Definitely the perfect mixture of senioritis and a broken heart. However, things were about to get even more awkward.


"We need to talk, Michael."
"You sure? Things didn't go over so well the last time you said that to me."
"Whatever. Forget it."


She started to walk away but I followed her.


"Okay, that was rude of me. I was just trying to be funny."
"Well, it wasn't."
"What's on your mind?"
"This is really hard for me to say. It's hard just talking to you."
"It's not easy for me either, Melinda. Just tell me what you need to tell me."


She took a deep breath before speaking.

"It's been three weeks. I still have a lot of stuff that you left at my house."


I nodded, not really knowing what to say.


"I spent last weekend organizing it and getting the stuff put in boxes. Clothes, a toothbrush, a razor, stuff like that."


I nodded again and then spoke.


"I have some stuff of your's as well. I haven't looked through any of it, but I'm sure it's all in my room."


Aside from the sounds of our classmates running through the halls, it was dead silent.


"If you could organize the stuff for me and bring it by my house this weekend, that would be great."


I nodded for the millionth time.


"I can come by on Saturday night."


As if on cue, the bell rang.


"Saturday night sounds good. I guess I'll see you then."
"I guess so."


We proceeded to walk away from each other awkwardly. Every few steps I would look back and watch her walk. Our entire relationship flashed before my eyes as I watched her walk in the opposite direction of me; all 17 years of our relationship.


Sincerely,
Mac-Attack

Saturday, January 16, 2010

The Day After a Break-Up in the Life of the Mac-Attack

In case you aren't caught up on my life right now, here's some things you may have missed:

1. I recently accepted my admission to the University of Florida.
2. A few days later, Melinda suggested that we give ourselves a deadline on our relationship.
3. After she presented her idea, I broke up with her.

This episode will focus heavily on NUMBER 3.

Let's start at the events immediately following the break-up. First, I'll recap exactly what was said:

"I don't think that there's much fun involved in being on edge and worrying about whether or not we're gonna stay together. If we make the decision to break up by a certain time, than we'll be able to just enjoy the rest of our time together without any stress."
"Without any stress? You don't think it's gonna be stressful when it gets closer to our 'deadline'?"
"By that time, we'll be ready."
"Ready for what? To break up and move on with our lives? I don't know if I'll be ready to let you go in 3 months, four months, or even five. I love you, Melinda."
"I love you too, but you need to understand."
"Understand what?"
"Understand that, realistically, we're not gonna last. I don't wanna get hurt, Michael."
"Yeah, neither do I...which is why I'm thinking we should break up now."
"Now?"
"Yeah. You don't wanna get hurt and neither do I. You say we're not gonna last; why put off the inevitable?"
"Michael--"
"Goodbye, Melinda. I'll see you around."

This brings us to what happened next. You see, the previous exchange happened while we were having dinner at By the Slice. Following the break-up, I got up from the table and walked right out (not before leaving money for the waitress, of course. It would've been really shitty to make Melinda pay for dinner).

As soon as I was outside the restaurant, it started to rain. Actually it started to pour. By the time I got to the parking lot, my clothes were soaking wet. Of course, things just had to get worse. I guess I didn't realize that I had parked in a 30 Minute Parking Zone, so when I got to my car, I was greeted by a nice little parking ticket.

"Well this is just perfect."

No sooner did I get to the parking ticket when I felt someone's breath down my neck. I turned around.

"Um, can I help you?"

He was a dirty looking man with ripped clothes and torn shoes. It looked as if he hadn't shaved in several weeks.

"Would you happen to have any spare change?"

Not that I'm not a generous person, but I wasn't exactly in the mood to give money to this strange homeless man.

"Sorry, I don't."

I attempted to turn back around when the man grabbed me.

"I bet you do have some spare change."

And then, as if the situation couldn't have gotten any more uncomfortable, the man pulled out a switch-blade. Yup, a Thunder Out-the-Front knife with a 3.4 inch blade, made of black powder-coated anodized aluminum and stainless steel. Yes, I was being held at knife-point for spare change in the pouring rain after seeing a parking ticket on the same night that I broke up with my girlfriend.

"Okay, okay. Uh, I think I have a few singles in here."

He put the knife away as I took my wallet out and found three one-dollar bills.

"I see a 20 in there...you wanna give it to me?"
"Not especially."

He took the switch-blade out again.

"Okay okay!"

I gave him a 20.

"You have a kind soul."

The mugger walked away happily, with more money than he'd probably had in a long time. I, on the other hand, had just been scarred for life. I finally opened my car door and sat down in the dirvers' seat. I proceeded to scream.

"WHY ME? WHY DOES IT ALWAYS HAVE TO BE ME? I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING...well, there are plenty of girls that will disagree with that statement...BUT I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING RECENTLY!!!"

I sat in my car for the next ten minutes, yelling at nobody in particular about nothing specific. It continued to rain, and I suddenly felt tears in my eyes. I had heard a lot of stories about guys crying after a big break-up...I now knew what it felt like. I'll be honest, I didn't enjoy how it felt.

I stayed home from school the next day. I didn't really feel like dealing with more drama, so I laid in bed and watched "You've Got Mail". I felt like such a woman.

"This is worse than I thought."

I looked up to see that my best friend Ben was standing at the door to my room.

"Shouldn't you be at school right now?"
"It's 4:00."
"Oh. Well, then school is over."

Ben walked over to me; I still wasn't out of bed.

"Melinda told me."
"What'd she say?"
"That you broke up with her."
"It was mutual."
"Really, cus she said that--"
"It was mutual. She said that we were gonna break up anyway. I said that if we were gonna break up anyway, it might as well have been last night. So we broke up."
"Well, I'm sorry."
"Yeah, I'm sorry too."

There was a pause.

"How is she?"
"As good as can be expected. You guys were only together for four months, but you guys loved each other for a long time. She loved you for 17 years, man. That's since infancy!"
"I'm well aware of how long we were together. That's why I can't believe she'd want to put an expiration date on our relationship."
"Doesn't it make sense, though? Mac, you're going to Florida next year and she's staying here."
"I know that we probably would've broken up eventually, Ben, but I didn't necessarily want to have that in the back of my mind. I know that if we had decided on a deadline, it would've been on my mind 24/7."
"So you broke up with her."
"Yeah."

It was quiet.

"Okay, you need to get out of bed."
"I don't wanna get out of bed, Ben. I'm at the part of the movie where Tom Hanks e-mails Meg Ryan to tell her he'll meet her at the park with his dog Brinkly. Meg Ryan doesn't know who he really is, but Tom Hanks knows who she is and--"

Suddenly, I felt the open plam of Ben's hand go right across my face.

"Are you listening to yourself? You're the Mac-Attack! Pull yourself together!!!"
"That really hurt."
"Sorry. I was doing it for dramatic effect."
"Well, it worked."
"So you're gonna turn the lame romantic comedy off and get dressed?"
"No."

Ben slapped me again.

"Ouch! Damn it, Ben, what the hell was that for?!"
"You need to come outside, maybe play some basketball. I have an idea; let's call the team and get an impromptu practice going. God knows we need the work; we're playing Team L.A. next month."
"I don't wanna coach today, Ben."
"I don't see that you have much of a choice. I'm the head coach; I decide when the practices are."
"Congratulations."

Ben proceeded to use the most powerful tool he had...his whistle. He blew it three times, directly in my face.

"Alright, alright! I'll get out of bed and we'll call a practice. You happy now?"
"No, I'm not happy. My best friend is upset and I can't seem to cheer him up."
"Well, what the hell do you expect? It's been literally nine hours since I broke up with the only girl I've ever truly loved. I appreciate your concern, but I'm not gonna be fine right now."

Ben didn't say anything.

"Give me like 10 minutes to get dressed. I'll meet you downstairs."
"You got it. We'll take my car."

We headed over to Temple Beth Zion's basketball court where all 15 of our devoted teammates were waiting for us.

"Alright, take three laps around the court...except for you, Sam."

Sam was easily the best player on the team. Her and Ben had been dating for about a month.

"Yes, Coach?"
"Give me a kiss, will ya? I didn't see you all weekend."

The player began making out with her coach. This was clearly the wrong day to be showing public displays of affection in front of me. I blew my whistle.

"Okay, that's enough PDA. Go run your laps, Bernstein."
"Sure thing, Coach."

She kissed Ben one more time and began running.

"Was that really necessary?"
"I wasn't able to go out with her this weekend. I had to make up for lost time."
"And I'm gonna have to make up for a lost lunch."
"Sorry."
"So unprofessional too. You don't see Phil Jackson kissing Kobe Bryant during practice, do you?"
"Well, that'd be a little gross."

Soon, the team was done running laps.

"Alright, here's the deal for today. You guys may have beaten Team Vegas, but you need to be more solid during a game in its entirety, and not just toward the end. We're gonna split you into two groups. Mac will take one group and I'll take the other. Then we'll switch it up."

I took my group into one corner and Ben took his group into the other.

"Okay, so I wanna teach you guys a new concept that may be a little hard for you guys to follow."

They all looked at me intently.

"I like to use an acronym: K.I.S.S."

Bobby Goldstein, one of our shooting guards, looked at me.

"Are you calling us gay?"
"No! K.I.S.S. stands for this: Keep it simple, stupid!"

The players began to laugh.

"Basketball is not a hard game to follow. You dribble, you pass, you shoot. You choose one person from the other team to cover and you stay on their ass the entire game."
"It still sounds like you're calling us gay."
"Bobby, 40 push-ups. Now."
"But--"
"Say another word and you'll do 50."

He got on the ground and began doing his push-ups. The team was staring at him.

"Stop staring and listen to what I have to say. Do the rest of you want to be on the ground as well?"

They each said "No, Coach" and became intent again.

"I don't need disrespect when I'm trying to talk. You guys want to win more games, don't you?"

They all nodded.

"The only way that's gonna happen is if you listen to me."

They all nodded again.

"Now, like I was saying--GOD DAMNIT, LARRY! GET YOUR HEAD OUT OF YOUR ASS AND LISTEN TO ME!!! HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO SAY THIS? I DON'T NEED THIS!!!"

I didn't have a mirror in front of me, but I could tell my face was red. It was like in the old cartoons, when steam comes out of peoples' ears. I could imagine myself looking like that.

"Do I have your attention?"

They nodded.

"Do you guys know how to say 'Yes, Coach'?"
"Yes, Coach," they all said in unison.
"Thank you."

I could see the terror in their eyes. I had never been so stern with them. Really and truly, I was starting to take my anger out on the team.

"Alright, I'm done chewing your heads off."

I waved my hands to Ben as a signal to rotate.

"Go to Ben. I'm sure he'll have some stuff to say."

They continued to stand there.

"That's an order!" I shouted as I blew my whistle. They began to hustle.

Practice was over a little while later. I sat down on the bench with my head buried in my hands, clearly realizing that I was wrong in the way I treated my players. All because I was too angry to be a professional with them.

"Hey, Coach, are you alright?"
"I made Bobby Goldstein do 40 push-ups for making a joke. I love when people make jokes. I am the one who makes jokes."
"So why'd you make him do the push-ups?"
"Because I have so many emotions running through me right now, Ben. I'm sad, I'm angry, I feel like I'm just going through the motions of life. I don't know what to do with myself."

My best friend looked at me.

"It's only been one day, Mac. Give it time. You'll be fine."
"What makes you so sure?"

He looked at me again and smiled.

"Because you're the Mac-Attack. You always bounce back up when you're being brought down. Remember last year at Convention? We all thought your head was gonna explode because so much was going through your mind. But what did you do? You picked yourself up, got in your car, and made a great excuse to go on a vacation! And I was with you for a good part of that vacation. It was great!"

I smiled.

"It was a pretty great trip, wasn't it?"
"You could've sat and sulked alone in your room the entire summer. Instead, you and I had an incredible adventure. And that's what I'm here for. You're my best friend, and I'll always be there to pick you up when you're down. That's what we do for each other."

I got up from the bench and we hugged for a long time.

"I love you, man."
"I love you too. No homo."
"No homo."

When I got home that night, I still felt like shit. But I thought a lot about what Ben said about how I've always been able to bounce back up when I've been down. This is true, and while at the moment I felt that the worst had happened and that I may never be able to recover, I knew that somehow, if I had been able to pick myself up before, this would be no different.

Sincerely,
Mac-Attack