Friday, May 29, 2009

An Identity in the Life of the Mac-Attack

"Rabbi Maccabbi's office, Michael speaking."

I literally have the easiest job of all time, answering the phone in my father's office. I make 8 dollars an hour just to answer a phone, I have it made!

However, sometimes my personal life gets in the way of my work. Like yesterday for example.

I answered the phone with the usual greeting, when I got a greeting back from the best girl in the world.

"Hello, Michael from Rabbi Maccabbi's Office."

It was none other than Dara. I wondered why she was calling me at work, until she said--

"I'm calling about my torah. It would seem that it needs to be undressed."
"Well, ma'am, it sounds like you have a real problem."
"Oh, I really do. I can't seem to find someone to undress it for me."

Oh, she was good.

"I think I know someone who might be able to do that for you."
"Does he work in the Rabbi's Office?"

Just then, my dad the rabbi walked in. I then had to break character.

"I get off work in an hour, I'll stop by on my way home."
"Mmkay. Love you."
"Love you too. Bye."
"Bye."

I hung up, and was greeted with a not so warm look from my father.

"Michael, was that your mother?"
"No."
"Was that your grandmother?"
"No."
"Was it your aunt?"

I wondered how long he was gonna keep guessing.

"No, Dad. It was Dara."
"I know."
"Then why did you ask?"

I must have sounded like a real smart-ass.

"I heard what you were saying to her?"
"Love you too bye?"
"No. The whole undressing a torah thing!"

I was shocked, not because he heard it but because I never once said those words, it was Dara that was really setting up the scenario for phone sex.

"Dad, I never said that."
"But Dara did."
"How did you hear that?"
"Miriam at the front desk listens to the phone conversations in case there is any sort of interesting new gossip. The latest gossip: THE RABBI'S SON HAS PHONE SEX IN HIS OWN FATHER'S OFFICE!!!"
"Does Miriam not have a life?"
"Michael!"

I know I sounded like a jerk again, but it was very hard to take my dad seriously.

"In my defense, Dara called me. I just went along with it."
"Michael, I need to explain something to you. I am the Rabbi of this Congregation, and there's an entire board filled with these congregants who are just dying to create drama. If they got word that I was using the shul's budget to pay my 17 year old son to have PHONE SEX, I'd be gone just like that."

He snapped his fingers to emphasize this.

"Okay, Dad, I didn't realize that it was such a big issue."
"The way people view you is a reflection of me as a parent."
"But I'm not you, Dad."
"But you are my son, and I raised you."
"Don't these people understand that I'm a teenage guy?"
"They expect more from you because you're my son."

The conversation went on longer, but as it turns out, there's only one thing that my father said to me that has really stood out in my mind.

"Latest Gossip: THE RABBI'S SON HAS PHONE SEX IN HIS FATHER'S OWN OFFICE!!!"

No, not that. The last thing that he just said.

"But you are my son, and I raised you."

Forward a little bit more.

"They expect more from you because you're my son."

Thank you! Finally!

Anyway, this line that my father said to me really stuck out in my mind. You see, he had been the rabbi at Temple Beth Zion for a little under a year now, but I never thought about the fact that I'm "the rabbi's son", as if that's some sort of title.

At that point, I realized that at TBZ, I am not the Mac-Attack. I'm not even Michael Isaac Maccabbi. No, when I'm at TBZ, I am nothing else but "The Rabbi's Son". Do I even have a name anymore?

I thought about this all the way until I was done working and it was time for me to head over to Dara's house.

She opened the door.

"Hey, Mac."
"Mac, or the Rabbi's son?"
"Aren't you both?"

I walked in and she sat me down in the living room.

"Are you okay, Mac?"
"If that is indeed my real name."
"Well, your real name is Michael."

There was a pause.

"Talk to me, what's bothering you?"
"After we got off the phone, my father...you know, it's probably nothing."
"It doesn't seem like nothing."

Dara was obviously unconvinced that this was nothing. Probably because it wasn't nothing.

"Okay, so you know how my dad is the rabbi?"

That was a stupid question. How could she NOT know that my dad was the rabbi. After all, I am the rabbi's son!

"Yeah, what about it?"
"Okay, well, after we got off the phone, my dad came into his office and wasn't very pleased."
"Does he not approve of me?"
"No, my whole family is crazy about you, but he isn't too crazy about the office...uh, phone calls."
"Oh, god, I didn't realize I was crossing a line...wait, you didn't say anything remotely sexual in our conversation."
"Miriam at the front desk likes to listen in on the phone calls."
"You mean..."
"Yes, she heard you talking about your torah being dressed."
"Oh, I'm so embarrassed."

There was a pause.

"Obviously not as embarrassed as you are."
"Dara, my father told me today that people expect more from me because I'm his son. How people see me is a reflection of him, because he raised me. I know I'm not him, but somehow I feel like people only see me as being his son, and not being me. People don't see Michael Maccabbi when they see me. They see..."
"The rabbi's son."
"Exactly."

Dara moved a little closer and looked at me.

"Mac, how do you think I see you?"

I decided it would be in my best interest to assume it was a rhetorical question.

"If you don't know by now, it's pretty sad. I don't see you as the Rabbi's Son or as a reflection of your father."
"You don't?"
"No, silly. I see you as my boyfriend, Mac. My very cute, smart, funny, and amazing boyfriend whom I absolutely adore."

I looked at her and smiled. I suddenly felt way better.

"I love you, Dara. You're the best."

We kissed for a while.

"You know I love you too."
"I know."
"Good."

We kissed again, and kissed for an even longer time.

Having your own identity is something that we all struggle with in the world. Some kids' parents leave behind legacies for their kids to follow, some parents become associated by their kids' mistakes, and some kids' parents are in a position of great power and reputation.

The truth is that I discovered on that day that I really did have my own identity. I was Michael Isaac Maccabbi, the one and only Mac-Attack.

So maybe I happen to be the rabbi's son.

There are much worse things that I could be.

Sincerely,
Mac-Attack

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

A Seder in the Life of the Mac-Attack

"You invited her over for the First Seder???"


Ben was of course referring to my new girlfriend, Dara Karpen. It was true; I did invite Dara over to my house for the first seder of Passover. My general opinion is that Passover is the worst holiday; you can't eat bread. But, I was glad to finally have a Jewish girlfriend who would be willing to suffer through the matzah with me.


"Ben, she's my girlfriend now. It's time for her to get to know my family," I explained to my best friend.


"But it's so soon, Mac," Ben responded. "I mean, having her get to know your family is like making it official. Are you ready for that?"


I could honestly tell my best friend that I hadn't ever been more ready for anything in my life, not even my bar-mitzvah!


"Ben, I've never been more ready for anything in my life, not even my bar-mitzvah!"


The whole relationship-thing was very new to me. For years, I was very accustomed to finding romance in many different places and with many different girls. I was one of those guys that would hook up with a girl once and never hook up with them again. It's not that I was a jerk about it, I was actually quite romantic. Back then, I was just a really strong believer in playing the field. For instance, Rivka Pasternak is a girl I know from San Diego. She's really great, and I liked her a lot, but we hooked up once and I was satisfied. We had a great moment.


But now I have changed my ways. I'm a one-woman-at-a-time type of guy now, and that one woman is Dara Karpen. There was something about her, from the first time I ever saw her, that just caught my attention. Perhaps it was her flowing brown hair or her perfect smile, but I like to believe it was her addicting personality and her appreciation of people. I had never felt this way about anyone, and I was excited to be celebrating our exile from Egypt with my new girlfriend.


I got a call from her the night before the seder. I was happy to see her name on the Caller ID.




"Hey," I answered my phone.
"Hey, stud."


I was already liking this conversation.


"You excited to meet the family tomorrow night?"
"Yeah, I can't wait. What are all their names again? I don't want to forget."



She was so efficient!


"Well, my twin brother is Darrin. You met him at the gift exchange."
"Right, of course."
"My younger brother is JT. He's in 8th Grade."
"Have I seen him before?"
"He's at services all the time, but I don't think I've ever introduced you."
"Okay. Who else?"
"My sister will be joining us, her name is Tara."
"I didn't know you had a sister."
"She just moved back in with us. Bad break-up."
"Is she much older than you?"
"Yeah, Tara is 30."
"Gotcha."
"Obvously, my mom is Mrs. Maccabbi and my dad is the Rabbi."
"Oh, I forgot that I was dating the rabbi's son."
"You certainly are. Now, are there any more questions about tomorrow night?"
"No, I think you've told me everything I need to know."
"Alright, then I'll see you tomorrow night."
"Mmkay, bye."




So we were all set to have a nice, relaxing First Seder in which my girl would be able to get to know my extremely normal and not at all dysfunctional family.





If only it was that simple...





So I've talked a lot about my dad, the Rabbi Big Al Maccabbi. I've also talked a little bit about my twin brother Darrin. But I've barely ever spoken about my mom Shayna, my sister Tara or my younger brother JT. There are reasons for this.





So my mom is actually pretty chill. I love her, and she's an amazing cook...but she is just a tad bit on the vicious side.



My sister is great...however, you know how I mentioned that she just moved back in with us after a bad break-up? Well, it's not the first time that she's moved back in with us after a bad break-up. In fact, we never do anything with her room because something always tells us that she'll be back.



My younger brother isn't a bad kid...but he loves to shop...a little too much.



Now, that's not really the worst of all of it. Obviously, everybody's family has some quirks...but mine had one that no one else's family has. They are related to ME. Because they are related to me, they seem to judge every single thing that I do...and I never hear the end of it.



So maybe it would be an understatement to say that having Dara sit with them through an entire Passover seder was a little unnerving. Passover seders in the Maccabbi household last a long, long, long time.





Before I knew it, the next day came. I got home from school in time to witness JT having one of his episodes in which he would talk about how horrible his life is.





"Hollister is having a sale and YOU'RE NOT LETTING ME BUY ANYTHING!!!!!!" He was crying as he said this to my mother, naturally.





"JT, we've been over this. You can't go shopping every time there is a sale."
"But I need clothes! I can't wear these rags anymore!!!"




By the way, JT was wearing a polo shirt and jeans from Target. Those were the rags he was referring to.




"Go to your room until you can stop being such a spoiled brat!"
"I AM SPOILED. WHY CAN'T YOU UNDERSTAND????"





And just like that, JT stormed upstairs and slammed his door.




It was then that my mom noticed me standing there.




"Hi, Michael. How was school?"
"It was okay. What's the deal with JT?"
"Oh, you know how it is when he doesn't have his way."
"Yeah."
"I think he's gay."
"Now, Mom, I don't think he's gay."




Suddenly we heard the unbearable sound of "Glamourous" by Fergie coming from his room.




"Okay, maybe he is gay."

"Then maybe he should just come out and tell us. We won't judge him."




I looked at my mom. If she judged ME for hooking up with GIRLS, how would she not judge JT for hooking up with GUYS?




"Anyhow, is your friend still coming tonight?"
"Her name is Dara, and yes she is still coming tonight."
"I'm so glad you've finally met a nice Jewish girl."
"Yeah, she's great."
"Have you slept with her yet?"



I nearly choked on the water that I was drinking.




"No, Mom. I haven't slept with her yet."
"Just make sure you don't get any..."
"STDs. Yeah, I know. I've heard that from you and Dad more times than I can count."




My parents are very anti-sex. Probably because they don't do it.



"Mom, I need a favor from you."
"Michael, I'm not going to buy you any condoms."
"I already have those."
"What?"
"I mean, that's not the favor I need from you."
"What do you need?
"I really like this girl and I need everything tonight to be perfect."
"I'll do my best to keep everyone in line, just don't have sex in my house!"
"MOM!"



Just then, my sister walked in.



"Hi, Tara."
"I just went shopping and I look AMAZING!"



The worst part about Tara is when she gets out of a break-up, she goes all Independent-Woman on us and becomes full of herself very fast.



"So I walked into Hollister to get some new jeans and..."
"YOU WENT TO HOLLISTER AND YOU DIDN'T TELL ME??? I HATE YOU ALL!!!!"



I contemplated whether or not I should feel bad for JT.



"Well, anyway, I've decided that I don't need a man to tell me that I look good, because the people at Hollister told me that I look GREAT."
"That's how they get you to buy stuff from them, Tara."
"YOU'RE JUST JEALOUS BECAUSE I'M BEAUTIFUL!"



Sometimes Tara made it easy to forget that she was 30, not 13.



Finally, my dad walked in with my brother Darrin. Darrin is probably the most normal out of all of us, but he is very judgmental of me. Needless to say, we're not very close.



"Hi, Darrin."
"Yeah, whatever."



See what I mean?



"Oh, Michael," my dad said. "There's a girl outside waiting for you."
"Yeah, Dara Karpen from USY. What could she be doing here?"
"You guys didn't invite her in?"
"Wait, is Dara your lady-friend who will be joining us tonight?"
"YES."


I walked out to find her standing on my driveway. I ran up to her and gave her a kiss.



"I cannot believe they didn't invite you in."
"That's okay, I wanted you to come out here anyway."
"Oh?"
"I hid a little afikomen for you in your car when you drove me home last weekend."
"Really."



I was really loving this conversation.



"Shall we...take a look?"
"That would be a good idea."



We got into my car and I immediately went in to kiss her, but then:



"Not so fast, Mister. Not until you find the afikomen."



I began frantically searching until I found a blue thong that said: "Eat me; I'm kosher" on it.



"Well, I don't really think they're my size, Dara."



She laughed and we began kissing. I loved kissing her, it was an amazing feeling. Suddenly, there was a knock on the window. We suddenly saw the image of Darrin's face.



"Party time is over. Come in for the seder."



Yay, now the fun could start!

The seder started off as most seders do. My father went into this big long thing about how we were slaves in Egypt and what not. He talked about all the items on the seder plate, we drank the first cup of wine. Just like that, the seder had already been going on for an hour.

It was approximately 8:30 when we finally got our matzaball soup. Our seder had started at 6, so I guess this seder was going by really fast!

"The soup is delicious, Mrs. Maccabbi."
"Thank you, dear, but it was actually my daughter Tara who made the soup."
"And YES, it IS amazing."
"It's all so good."
"Especially the soup, right?"

Dara looked at me for a minute and I just gave her a signal to just nod along.

"Yes, especially the soup."
"Thank you. It's so nice to get recognition for everything I do."

Dara was already fitting in with my family, which was great.

"So, Dara, how do you and Michael know each other?" my father asked. Finally, a topic of conversation that I could tolerate.

"We actually met at USY in November, but I was dating someone else back then. We didn't get together until the USY Dance a couple weeks ago."

She took my hand, and I suddenly felt very confident about her interaction with my dysfunctional family...until--

"Well, he sure does have a thing for girls who are already taken."

I could've murdered my brother right there and then.

"Oh, you mean Carrie Wilcox, right?"

Now I could've murdered my OTHER brother as well.

"More like Carrie Will-Suck-All-Cox."

Dara looked confused.

"Who's Carrie Wilcox, Mac?"
"Carrie is Michael's ex-whore."
"Shayna, that's L'Shon H'Orah!"
"Well, she was. Michael isn't seeing her anymore."
"I remember the way she dressed. SO out of style."
"And she just couldn't keep her lips to herself...and neither could Michael."
"Michael, why DID you hang out with that little skank for so long?"

I couldn't take it. This was NOT my idea of the seder with my girlfriend. I was so mad, I could just...I could just...I could just...I could just SCREAM!

"THAT'S ENOUGH OUT OF ALL OF YOU!!!"

I kid you not, my face was as red as the font that I use to represent my voice in the blog.

Everybody stared for a moment, until:

"I think I should go. Thank you so much for having me, I had a blast."

Then, as she held back tears: "I'll call you later, Mac."

She walked out. I didn't know what else to do, so I chased after her. She was about to get in her car when I got to my driveway.

"Dara!"
"I can't stay here any longer."
"I'm not asking you to. Let's go somewhere, let me buy you a bunless burger."
"Mac, it's not about the food."
"I know what it's about. My family is a little intense, I know."
"It's not your family that's intense, Mac. It's you."

I was speechless, luckily she had more to say.

"I know your reputation, Mac. I guess I thought I could get past that and that maybe it wasn't true. But now hearing the whole Carrie Wilcox thing confirmed, it's just..."
"Dara, can I please explain?"
"You don't have to. You're the Mac-Attack, I understand."
"Just let me explain, please."

It was silent. Then she finally spoke.

"You have one minute."
"Dara, I did hook up with Carrie Wilcox. She did have a boyfriend when it happened, but it happened a million years ago. I was a stupid freshman."
"Is that all?"
"No. The truth is that I fell in love with her, and I was willing to have her any way that I could. That doesn't justify it, but would you believe me if I said that her and I never slept together?"

Dara looked at me in disbelief. We heard the sound of thunder when she finally said: "You didn't?"

"I had the opportunity over the summer to sleep with her, but I turned her down. I was tired of coming in second place, and I'm still tired of coming in second place."

More thunder followed, along with a few drops of rain.

"When I'm with you, Dara, I feel like I'm not in second place. I feel like I'm in first place, and it's the sweetest feeling I could possibly have."

I got real close as it began to rain more and more.

"Mac, I..."
"My family is really bizarre. They can even be scary at times."
"Yeah, especially your mother."
"But I wouldn't have introduced you to them if you were anything like the other girls."
"They've never met any other girlfriends?"
"Are you crazy? I only introduced them to you because of the way I feel about you."
"And how do you feel about me?"

It was pouring rain and we were against Dara's car.

"I love you, Dara Karpen."
"I love you too, Michael Maccabbi."

We were then kissing in the rain, and although it may sound cheesy, that's exactly how it happened. The cast of One Tree Hill would be proud of the way we utilized our full names.

"Should we go back into the seder?"
"Actually, I kinda want to find the afikomen again."

She looked at me, and we continued to kiss. I guess the fact that it was pouring rain didn't seem to matter. We finally came back inside in time for the fourth cup of wine at 10:15. Dara and I were soaking wet, and my mom most definitely pitched a fit at me later for getting water all over her carpet. Dara and I looked ridiculous, but in my opinion, she had never looked more beautiful than she did at that moment.

It's a funny thing about love. Sometimes it takes the most uncomfortable situations to get people to say what they need to say. I guess I should be thankful to my family, because they made it possible for Dara and I to have that incredible moment. Sure, they are incredibly annoying and I would prefer not to have to endure them most of the time...

but if you can't tolerate your family, who CAN you tolerate???

Sincerely,
Mac-Attack

Friday, May 22, 2009

Dealing with The New Girlfriend's Old Boyfriend in the Life of the Mac-Attack

Last Saturday night, a really incredible thing happened.

I finally confessed my feelings for Dara Karpen. Here's a little flashback for those of you who didn't read about it:

"Do you remember our conversation during Hannukah, after the gift-exchange?"
"Of course. You had that really funny bracelet."
"And you liked the bracelet."
"It was cute."
"It was for you."

But wait--there's more:

"I was the girl?"
"You ARE the girl."
"I don't know what to say."
"You don't have to say anything. Just let me do all the talking."

It was at that moment that Dara Karpen and I had our first kiss. It was amazing.

You see, my only other real shot at romance was with Rivka Pasternak, but she lived in San Diego. The whole distance thing was working against us, so we have decided to remain good friends.

Now I was finally in the clear to pursue true romance with Dara. I'd been wanting to get together with her since I first met her in November, but she had this boyfriend, Ray, who was a real tool. Dara deserved someone better, someone who would always appreciate her. Someone like me!

Dara and I finally were able to pursue what would be a great love story.

I went to school on Monday, hoping Dara would be the first person I would see. I was so excited to see her. I was all set to hold her hand, walk her to class, kiss her hello and goodbye a thousand times throughout the day, all that good stuff...

but something wasn't right.

The first person I saw on Monday was Melinda.

"Hey, Michael," she greeted me.
"Hey, Melinda. Have you seen Dara?"
"I haven't seen her."
"Well, I'm not sure if you heard, but Dara and I had a moment at the dance. We even kissed a little bit. I guess changing my ways wasn't so hard afterall."

Melinda was silent.

"Everything okay, Melinda?"
"Everything's fine. Why wouldn't everything be fine? I'm perfectly normal right now. Oh, there's Dara. I've gotta go. Bye, Michael!"

Melinda was seeming awfully defensive this morning. Maybe she was on her period, but I wasn't thinking too much about my friend's menstral cycle when I saw Dara approach me. I nearly ran up to her because I was so happy to see her. However, I decided to be cool about it and wait for her to approach me.

"Hey, Mac," she said as she got within an arm's distance from me.
"Hey there, beautiful." It surprises me sometimes how smooth I am.

I got closer and leaned in to kiss her, and she kissed back. Only for a second though.

"Well that's always worth waking up early for," she said as she eased out of the kiss.
"It feels good."
"Yeah, it really does."

Then, suddenly, I heard the voice of a familiar foe.

"Dara???"

It was Ray, Dara's recent ex-boyfriend.

"What the hell is this??"

I then proceeded to confidently say: "She left you and she's with me now, Ray. Go get lost."

Ray looked at me for a second, and then pinned me against a locker. I forgot to mention that Ray is a 6'5 football player and he could kill me with one punch.

"I'll settle this later, Mr. Mac-With-No-Sack." Creative name, I'm not gonna lie.

After he left, I looked at Dara.

"Mac, you should've let me do the talking. Ray is the jealous type."
"Don't worry, babe. I can handle him."

I lied. I would get my ass kicked if he so much as flicked me.

"Mac, you're very brave. I just don't want to see you get hurt. You mean a lot to me."
"I feel the same way, Dara."

The bell rang.

"I'm really excited about this. You and me, I mean."
"Me too."
"Good. Now, kiss me before I'm late to class."

I kissed her and we went our seperate ways, for her class was on the top floor of the F Building. My class was on the bottom floor of the C Building.

My first class was English with Mr. Crank, a crazy philosopher who seemed like the type of guy who would smoke lots of weed in his spare time. Great teacher though. Anyway, we were discussing our latest piece of literature: The Catcher in the Rye. It's a fantastic book, but I can't stand the way Holden Caulfield talks. For instance, if I was Holden, I'd describe my current situation like so:



So me and Old Dara finally got together, only her ex-boyfriend Ray has decided to be a real phony and try to give me a beating. I hate it when girls' ex-boyfriends try to give me a beating. It really kills me. So, anyways, me and Old Dara are official now, and it's really teriffic. I sure hope that Ray doesn't come after me though. It's not like I'm giving Dara the time or anything; we just started going out if you wanna know the truth. I hate it when people like Old Ray make assumptions that I'm giving girls the time. It really kills me.
It's safe to say that if I talked like THAT all the time, I wouldn't blame people for kicking my ass.
I saw Ben between 1st and 2nd hour. I explained the situation to him, and the first thing he said was: "Mac, slow down. You're sounding like Holden Caulfield!"
"Sorry, Ben. I was just reading in Crank's class."
"Yeah, I understand. I just HATE the way that character talks."
"I know. It really kills me."
Ben stared at me strangely before speaking again.
"So Ray's going to kick your ass because you and Dara are going out now."
"I don't know what I should do, Ben."
"Okay, Mac. Just calm down. I'll be your backup."
I didn't really have the heart to tell Ben that he's even less intimidating than I am to a guy like Ray.
"Ben, I..."
"Mac, trust me. I'm very familiar with the situation."
There was a pause.
"You've never done anything remotely like this before."
"Nope, not a one."
Okay, let's go over my "Getting My Ass Kicked Cheklist":
1. Weaker than Opponent - Check
2. Highly intimidated by Opponent - Check
3. Best friend who will back me up, but is even WEAKER than I am - Check
And on to 2nd Hour, followed by 3rd Hour, and then 4th Hour. When I was done simplifying Radicals in my Geometry class, it was time for lunch, where the showdown would likely occur.
I saw Dara sitting on a bench during lunch. I approached her.
"Hey."
"Hey, handsome."
I proceeded to kiss her for a long time.
"Wow, you must've missed me," she said cheerfully.
"I did...and I will."
"What do you mean?"
"I have a confession to make, Dara," I started off. She looked worried when I continued.
"It is very possible that you may never see me again after today, for I may possibly be a mangled body when Ray is finished with me."
I don't think I was being overdramatic. I was making a lot of sense!
"Mac, you're not making any sense!"
I wasn't?
"I'm not?"
Dara looked at me.
"Mac, you're not going to die today. I know for a fact that Ray is going to approach you wanting a fight. If you use your words, then you'll still have your pride...and that would be way sexier than if you were to beat the living crap out of him."
Have I ever stressed how amazing I think Dara is?
"You're amazing, Dara."
I kissed her. Suddenly, Ray came into sight.
I got the first word in:
"Ray, let me get the first word in. I know you want to kick my ass because Dara is with me now and all that, but I want you to know that I never made a move on her until she had already broken up with you. So you can beat me sll day long, but I will still have my pride no matter what. I care a lot about Dara, and I think she cares a lot about me."
I looked at Dara and she was smiling...until:
POW!!!
Ray left me knocked down to the ground. It was a punch directed at my face, and he had nailed his target.
I was in the nurse's office for a while with ice and tissues on my nose. Suddenly, I looked up and there was the girl of my dreams.
"Oh, Mac, are you okay???"
Well, I was punched in the face and knocked down onto pure concrete. My back was hurting, my nose and mouth were bleeding, and I may have cracked a tooth...but all the pain seemed to go away when I saw Dara's face.
"I've never felt better in my life."
I smiled at her. It really was good to see her.

"Well, Mr. Mac-Attack, how about we allow your wounds to heal and then you can take me out on Saturday night."
"Do you like By the Slice?"
"I love pizza!"
"Then it's a date."
She hugged me and kissed my cheek, but then she had to go back to delivering slips to people who needed to go to the office. That's what she was doing the first time I ever saw her back in November, the minute she immediately caught my attention. Now her and I were dating, and my attention would be devoted to the most beautiful girl on the planet.
Sincerely,
Mac-Attack

Sunday, May 17, 2009

A Complicated Situation in the Life of the Mac-Attack

So last Saturday night, the strangest thing happened!

Ben and I had bumped into Elisa Rosewood, this old crush of mine.

Long story short, Elisa told me something that I would stick in my mind forever:

"I've been working at the American Eagle Store which is really close by."

No! The other thing:

"You were always a good guy."

Before we ran into Elisa, Ben and I had been discussing my past with women, particularly the four that I had already hooked up with since the first of the year. As I talked more and more with Elisa, and then later with Ben, I realized how much of a mess I had become. I had lost focus on the one girl that I truly wanted: Dara Karpen.

Melinda told me it was called a revelation. I'd say that was a pretty powerful word, but I wasn't going to argue with the one girl that had always been consistent in my life. Melinda and I had been best friends our whole lives. Our families have been friends for years.

"I think it's a good thing, Michael." Melinda told me encouragingly as we ate lunch on Monday.
"I think so too. I'm confident about it, but it's gonna be so hard to change my ways."

I was right. I mean, I hadn't been a one-woman-only guy in forever. I mean, for months I'd been wondering when I would find someone who would stick around, but it was easier said than done.

"Well, Mac, we're behind you 100% on this," Ben told me. Ben had been the one to reveal that Dara had left her boyfriend. Her boyfriend's name was Ray, and he was a real jerk. I remember when they came to my New Years' Party that year, and his only comment to me was a complaint that there was no valet parking on my street.

"Mac-Attack," I heard a voice say. I looked up and it was Lily Hayes, this girl I hooked up with the week before. She was way hot, and we had a ton of fun over at Cashman Park. Wow, it was...I really gotta stop this! Okay, Mac, focus.

"Lily, the flower in my garden."

I know I need to change my ways, but I'm so damn smooth! It's ridiculous.

"Don't think I've forgotten our night at Cashman. I've been thinking about you, and thinking that we should hook up again."

Then she got in real close and said real quietly:
"I'll even bring a condom this time."

"Oh, really? Why's that?"
"I was hoping you'd swipe your V-Card in my slot."
"Oh," was really all I could say.

Just then, Melinda walked up behind me, and did something that I didn't expect. To tell you the truth, Melinda grabbed my ass and said to Lily: "Sorry, honey, this card has already been swiped."

Well, that was unusual, but at least it got Lily away from me. She was only making it harder for me to change my ways. After Lily walked away, disheartened of course, Ben stood up and said:

"When did you guys fuck?"

Melinda and I started cracking up. Obviously, we hadn't fucked, but the fact is that Ben was so gullable that it was astonishing.

The bell rang and I went to History class with Ben. We continued talking about my new approach.

"So Dara's gonna be at the USY dance this week?"
"It's the Pre-Passover Midbar Dance. Everyone in West Coast USY is gonna be there!"
"Everyone?"
"Well, it's a big dance. The California and Vegas people always come to Phoenix for the dance."
"California people?"
"Of course. Haven't you talked to Gahl lately? I thought the three of us would stay at my house on Friday and Saturday night."

I actually hadn't spoken with Gahl Sinai since MLK weekend, when our last USY event was. Gahl was one of my best friends who lived in Los Angeles.

"You haven't talked to Max or Tara? What about Jake Josephson? Have you been in touch with ANYONE?"
"Actually, Ben, there is one person I have been in touch with."

Ben knew exactly who I was talking about. Rivka Pasternak lived in San Diego, and she was very involved in all things USY. I had last spoken with her around Valentines' Day, when we discussed hooking up again at the next event.

The Pre-Passover Midbar Dance was no exception. Rivka was expecting me to hook up with her...but she wasn't the one I wanted to hook up with.

Just then, History class started, but I wasn't thinking about the history of America. I was thinking about the history of me, Michael Isaac Maccabbi. I was 17 years old, and had kissed about that many girls. I had a reputation for it, viewed positively by most people, but viewed negatively by some. It's not that I'm a jerk, I just really love girls...multiple girls, all at the same time. Every girl is special to me, some more than others. However, most people think I'm just this extremely good-looking player who chases tail and never wants more. A lot of it was the people believing the hype, like my friend Brian Berg for example. And now I had to figure out what the right thing to do would be. I had only started liking Dara recently, but Rivka and I had a history. I guess it is appropriate that all these thoughts were going on during my History class.

The rest of the day went by fast. In fact, the rest of the week went by fast. Before I knew it, it was Thursday and I felt I needed to make a phone call.

858-555-4256

"I was wondering when you'd call. It's been a couple months since we last spoke, baby."

The voice of Rivka Pasternak was comforting. To tell you the truth, I really did like Rivka, and if she hadn't lived a gagillian miles away, I would probably be going out with her. But the whole distance thing was working against us, and we decided not to be an official couple.

"Hi, Rivka," I spoke. "How's the weather in San Diego?"
"Getting much warmer. Would be way hotter if you were here."
"Really, now."
"Do ya wanna know what I'm wearing right now, Mac-Attack?"

If I didn't love her tone of voice so much, I wouldn't have answered "Yes" to her.

"You don't get to find out tonight, Mac. You'll find out on Saturday night, though. I'm looking forward to seeing you."
"Rivka, about that, I have to talk to you."
"I wouldn't have even thought about flying to Phoenix this weekend if you weren't going to be there."
"Rivka--"
"Baby, I have to go. I arrive at Sky Harbor around 10:30 Friday night. B is going to pick me up from the airport, I'm staying in one of the extra rooms at his place. I'll see you on Saturday night. The dance is at TBZ right?"
"Yes, Rivka. I really have to--"
"Then I'll see you then. Love ya, bye."

She hung up. I called her to tell her that I couldn't be with her that night, but she hung up before I could tell you. That's pretty ironic.

Around 5:30 Friday evening, Ben picked me up from my house and we droved to the airport to pick up Gahl, as well as Max Altman. Max was another good friend of our's.

"So don't think I didn't hear about you and Rivka in Beverly Hills, you crazy playa!" Max always had a certain charisma.
"She's coming out here for the dance, Mac-Attack. Excited?"
"Hardly, Gahl. You guys need to help me tomorrow night."
"What's up, Mac?"
"He's trying to change his ways. He had a revelation."
"Is that a medical procedure?"
"What it means, gents, is that I've been thinking about some things and I've realized that I need to change. I like one girl right now, and she's the only one I want."

My two chums from L.A. pondered this for a second, before Gahl finally spoke:

"This is very new."
"I know. And the strange thing is, taking this new approach isn't as easy as I thought it would be."
"You know what, Mac, we're gonna back you up on this one. We will figure out a way for Rivka to not be able to find you."
"Why can't he just tell her that he's got another girl?"
"Because if she doesn't get the opportunity to hook up with him, nobody gets hurt."

Max actually made sense.

"That actually makes sense, Max."
"Thank you, Mac-Attack."

So it was settled. Max, Ben, and Gahl would keep Rivka away from me, and I would get my chance to show Dara how great a guy I am. It was perfect.

Or so it seemed perfect. You see, things at the dance got really complicated.

The problem with all of us staying at Ben's was that we would all be arriving at the dance at the exact same time. We didn't realize the possibility that Rivka would get there before I would.

We walked through the doors of the social hall at Temple Beth Zion, and before I even took two steps, Rivka Pasternak came out of nowhere and jumped into my arms. We were hugging for about three or four minutes before she finally leaned in to kiss me. Luckily, before our lips touched, B broke it up and gave me a big bear hug.

"How are you, Mac-Attack? It's been a while." B spoke. He was a large guy, about my height with twice the weight on him.

"B, you really don't have any idea how good it is to see you. How's Jenny doing?"

Jenny was the really fine girl B was going out with the last time I saw him.

"I actually don't know, Mac. Jenny broke up with me around Saint Patrick's Day. It's been weeks."

We talked for a little bit, and then I saw the person I had really been looking forward to seeing all week.

"Hi, Mac," spoke the beautiful Dara.
"Dara, hi! How are you?"
"Never better, actually."

There was a sort of awkward silence. There we were standing: Ben, Gahl, Max, Rivka, B, Dara and I. I had a choice to make: Dara or Rivka. I had to do it right at that minute.

"Dara, you know Ben and B. These are my friends from California: Gahl and Max."
"Hi." Rivka said politely.

I was leaving one person out. Before I could say Rivka's name, Rivka did the talking for me.

"I'm Rivka Pasternak," she introduced herself as she put her arm around me.

A second went by, though it seemed like a million years.

"It's nice to meet you, Rivka."
"You too, Dara."

Just then, the music started playing. It was a USY dance, so we all naturally started dancing. Once we heard the beats of Rihanna's "Disturbia", Rivka kinda grabbed my hand and led me to the center of the dance floor. We started grinding a little. We continued on into "Dontcha" by the Pussycat Dolls. All the while, I was looking around for Dara.

As I heard the words of "Pokerface" by Lady Gaga, Rivka turned around and put her arms on my shoulders. I thought for sure that she was gonna kiss me when she said:

"Mac, I need to say something to you."
"What's up?"
"I know that you like Dara."
"What are you talking about, Rivka?" I said, suddenly denying it. I don't know why I denied it, maybe I was happy to be with Rivka. Or maybe I had lost focus on my plan.

"Mac, you don't have to lie to me. It's you and me right now. I think you and I have been through enough that you can tell me the truth."

I suddenly stopped denying it.

"This is so complicated, Rivka. I met her in November, she was dating this guy until recently. I honestly hadn't even thought of her after our weekend in Beverly Hills."
"You don't need to explain, Mac. You live here, she lives here. I live in San Diego, therefore she's got the upper hand."
"I'm sorry, Rivka. I wish that there was a way to be with you tonight. My heart just isn't in it right now."
"Don't apologize. Just do me one favor."
"Sure thing."
"Go get her, Mac-Attack."

I looked at my San Diego girl, and couldn't help but smile. I gave her a big kiss, but not a romantic one. It was a kiss of friendship.

"You're the best, kid."

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw that Dara was leaving. I couldn't help but run after her. I ran all the way into the parking lot, and I finally caught up with her.

"Dara!" I called after her.

She turned around. "Mac?"

I was a little out of breath. I was sweating, and my face was red.

"Why are you leaving?" was the only thing I could think of saying.
"It's getting late. I didn't feel much like dancing."
"What if you had someone to dance with?"
"What do you mean?"

I caught my breath and looked at her.

"Dara, since the first time I saw you, I've been intoxicated by you. Your beauty, your sense of humor, your smile, everything."
"What are you saying, Mac? What about that Rivka girl? What is she to you?"
"Rivka and I met several months ago. She means a lot to me, but you mean MORE."
"What is she to you?"
"I wouldn't put a label on it, Dara. She's a friend."

There was a pause, and I took her hand.

"Do you remember our conversation during Hannukah, after the gift-exchange?"
"Of course. You had that really funny bracelet."
"And you liked the bracelet."
"It was cute."
"It was for you."

There was another pause. This time, we got real close.

"I was the girl?"
"You ARE the girl."
"I don't know what to say."
"You don't have to say anything. Just let me do all the talking."

I honestly don't know who kissed who that night.

After our first kiss, we kissed again and again. Eventually, she told me: "I really do have to go now, Mac."

"Okay," I told her. I stroked her hair a little bit, and we kissed one more time.

"Goodnight, Mac."
"Goodnight, Dara."

She got in her car and drove off. I watched her car go into the night, until I couldn't see it anymore. I proceeded to go back into the dance.

I didn't actually dance for the rest of the night. However, I did get a chance to sit and talk with a very special friend.

"She's really pretty, Mac."
"She's really great."
"So you like her a lot?"
"You have no idea, Rivka. I've never felt this way before."

She kinda looked at me for a second.

"You know, I'm kinda gonna miss what we had in Beverly Hills."

I looked at her and smiled.

"I think this is sorta better, Rivka."
"How do you mean?"
"Kid, I believe this is the start of a beautiful friendship."

We raised our glasses to that and just sat for a while.

I was able to accomplish two things that night:

1. I could now pursue true romance with the beautiful Dara Karpen.
2. I was able to get some closure on my romance with Rivka Pasternak.

It's funny sometimes how things happen. Things in our lives change, and they change when you least expect it; sometimes for the better, and sometimes for the worst. Well, on that incredible night, my life changed for the better. The life of Michael Isaac Maccabbi had changed for the better.

Sincerely,
Mac-Attack

Friday, May 15, 2009

Dinner with an Old Crush in the Life of the Mac-Attack

It was a normal Saturday night in April. Ben and I went over to By the Slice to watch the Diamondbacks game. It was a clear night, temperature at a steady 75 degrees. Perfect April weather.

Melinda usually comes with Ben and I to By the Slice, but she was babysitting. When Melinda babysits, Ben and I use the time to have deep, intellectual conversations.

"So give me the details on Lily Hayes. How far did you get???"

Okay, maybe not so deep and intellectual, but we could never talk about this stuff around Melinda. She'd freak out, call us perverts, and tell us to go jack off. The sad thing is, Ben would most definitely take it literally and find the nearest restroom.

"I can't tell you everything, Ben," I started off. "But I can tell you that everything you've ever heard about her...it's all true."

Lily Hayes was this girl I hooked up with the week before. She was easily one of the finest girls at Deer Valley High...and one of the easiest!

"Everything?"
"Everything."
"Wow. Mac, let me ask ya somethin'."
"Sure, Ben."
"How did you get so damn lucky?"

I chuckled a little bit and said: "Natural born talent, I guess."

The truth is, I really have no idea how I've been blessed with so many beautiful girls coming my way. I mean, I've been looking at my track record lately: Between January and April, I'd managed to hook up with this girl Valerie at my New Years' Party, San Diego beauty Rivka Pasternak, Julie Leiner (a date that seemed like an epic fail until she started making out with me at the very end), and most recently Lily Hayes. I had been on a roll, and it was barely even April.

"I remember when we were in 6th grade. You've always gotten the finest girls to talk to you."
"Well, Ben, it's easy to talk to girls when you're 11."
"It's apparently still as easy for you even at age 17. I mean, as long as I've known you, you've been hooking up with all the best girls."
"Well, Ben, that's not entirely true. I wasn't hooking up with girls in 6th grade."
"They all liked you, though."
"I won't argue with that."

Just then, the waitress brought us our 18 inch pizza with extra cheese.

"Thank you," I said to the waitress, who was really fine.
"Oh, it's my pleasure," she responded as she smiled and winked at me. She had a damn good smile.

Then, when she walked away: "There it is again."
"What are you talking about, Ben?"
"The hot waitress winked at you."
"She so did not."

Well, actually, she so DID.

Ben continued rambling on and on about things for the next few minutes or so, until suddenly we saw someone enter through the door.

"Holy, shit. Could it be?"
"I haven't seen her since Hebrew School graduation."
"There's just no way."
"Not a chance in the world."

"Mike Maccabbi? Ben Sheiner?"

It was her alright. Oh, of course you must be wondering who it was.

"Elisa Rosewood?"

"OMG! It is you guys!"

Elisa walked up to our table and hugged us both. Wow, did she look good.

Oh yeah, I didn't tell you who she is. Okay, so Elisa Rosewood is the first girl to ever reject me...actually, come to think of it, she's the ONLY girl to ever reject me.

It was in 7th grade. Ben, Melinda and I were in Mr. Rappaport's class. Rappaport was this old fat guy who had absolutely no patience.

Elisa was in our class too. I always thought she was cute, but then she suddenly became hot in 7th grade (so goes the trend for most girls).

"Elisa," I said, still shocked to see her. "It's been, like, four years. What brings you to By the Slice?"
"I've been working at the American Eagle Store which is really close by. I figured I'd pick something up and eat it at home...but now that I see you guys are here, I think I'll have to stay for a while!"

Her brown hair and her matching eyes had never looked so good.

"Oh, yes, please join us."

She pulled up a chair and we all began talking.

"Do you guys still hang out with Melinda?"
"Yeah, she usually comes with us every week, but she's babysitting tonight."
"I remember you three were always attached at the hip. Your brother Darrin too, Mac. How's he doing?"
"Darrin is doing well. He's in California on a choir trip right now."
"That's great. He was always a good singer."

We reminisced for a while until Ben finally opened up the floor to the inevitable category of conversation that I immediately began dreading.

"What's new with you, these days?"

This category of conversation has three parts: School, family, and of course, relationships.

"Well, I still live in Scottsdale. I'm actually attending North Scottsdale High. I run track over there and it's always so much fun."
"I've been running over at Deer Valley High for the last couple years. It's a great sport."

That was Part 1. Ben would continue the questioning.

"Tell us more. How's the family?"

Part 2 was now among us.

"Everyone is great. My brother is graduating from college this year."
"That's great. What did he major in?"
"He majored in...um, I actually don't know. He played football, though."
"Is he getting drafted to the NFL?"
"I don't think so. The NFL usually doesn't look at Community College athletes."
"Oh, I guess that would make sense."

There was a pause while we each had a slice of pizza. When Ben was done consuming, he finally asked the Part 3 question:

"What else is new with you, Elisa? Do you have a boyfriend right now?"

(Now, I know there actually wasn't any sort of long pause whatsoever, but I was thinking about making it seem more dramatic by adding a long pause. Is that okay with you?)

So there was a long pause and then Elisa finally said: "Nope, no boyfriend right now. How about you guys?"

"I'm single at the moment."
"Me too, though I'm way more single than the Mac-Attack over here."
"Is that so? How does one go about being more single than others?"

I spoke before Ben could say anything else to my 7th grade crush.

"I've been going on dates, playing the field. Unfortunately, nothing has come around for me yet."
"Oh, well, you were always a good guy. I'm sure you'll find someone."

Did she just say what I think she said?

"The NFL doesn't look at Community College athletes."

No, not that!

"You were always a good guy."

Now that's a persona I haven't carried in a long time. Being the good guy, instead of the womanizer that I had been acting like for as long as I can remember. But then I did remember 7th grade. I remembered how all I cared about was hanging with my best friends and enjoying myself. I talked to girls, but I was 12, so there's really not much you can do by means of hooking up.

Suddenly, it felt like old times. For the rest of the night, the three of us were joking, exchanging stories, remembering our times in Mr. Rappaport's class, etc. For the first time in a long time, I felt like the good guy.

It was 10:00 when By the Slice was closing. We had to leave, so we all walked out. Elisa hugged both of us and I felt a little sad. I hadn't seen Elisa since 8th grade, yet she was exactly as I remembered her.

We got into Ben's car and drove around for a little bit before he had to drop me off at my house.

"That was pretty crazy seeing Elisa, eh."
"Yeah. You know, I had the biggest crush on her in 7th grade."
"Yeah, it seems like forever ago."

He paused for a minute, and then:

"How's your latest crush?"
"Latest crush?"
"Dara Karpen."

Now there's someone that had escaped my mind since January.

"Wow, I guess I haven't thought much of her lately."
"Now that is crazy."
"Well, I've been having my fun with some different girls lately. I mean, my weekend with Rivka may as well have wiped Dara clean from my memory completely."
"Well, I'm wondering if this is a good time to tell you that she dumped that jerk she was dating."

Suddenly, we pulled up to my house. Wow, what a perfect moment to be stopped in front of a house.

"She left Ray?"
"Yeah. Last week."
"Why didn't you tell me before?"
"I was gonna tell you tonight? Why else do you think I was interrogating you about your latest affairs. I needed to know if you were still into this whole getting a girl to stick around thing."
"Wow, I guess I've been so preoccupied lately."
"Clearly. Now, there's a USY dance next week. Dara will be there."

I was listening to what my best friend was saying. Ben could be a little different sometimes, but he did have his true intellectual moments. I guess that's why he was my best friend.

"You know how Elisa told me I've always been a good guy?"
"Yeah, I was sitting right there."
"I think it's time for me to be that guy again."

I got out of the car with one thought on my mind:

Dara broke up with her asshole boyfriend. Now it's time for me to make my move, and I'll do it by being the good guy that I once was.

Sincerely,
Mac-Attack